


Who We Are

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Drama, First Time, M/M, Post-Canon, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-06-21
Updated: 2009-07-15
Packaged: 2018-09-03 10:37:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 49,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8709103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: Jared has an Oscar but he’s a broken man. On the night he should be celebrating he’s hiding in his room, reliving the events that brought him to this point. But what Jared doesn’t realise the end was only the beginning and its going to get a lot worse yet.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).
> 
>  **Author's notes:** With enormous thanks to Garvaldmains for basically having the kindest and most generous heart in fandom.

Jared leans his head against the golden statue, breathing deeply as he attempts to calm his rapidly beating heart. This should be one of the happiest days of his life, the formal recognition by his peers of his acting talent, but instead it’s a hollow victory. It tastes of ashes. He looks up at his Oscar with tear filled eyes and wishes that bargains with devils or angels were possible, so that he could trade his prize. In fact he would trade everything, his career - hell even his soul. 

 

But rewinding time is impossible; life just doesn’t work that way. Unlike a clock you can’t just turn the hands back.

 

His hand shakes as he carefully places the golden idol on the coffee table next to his untouched drink. He has only vague memories of the glamorous ceremony, as his concentration had been focused on revealing no emotions. But it’s not hard for him to build a picture in his mind of how the event had unfolded, and no doubt either that his acceptance speech will be slammed as too brief, flat and monosyllabic. He had been warned, prior to the event, if there was one time he needed his game face firmly in place it was when he went up on that stage, but the red carpet walk had all but shattered his tight control. 

 

The blinding flash of bulbs had gone off the moment he set foot on that damned carpet, as the circling vultures honed in hoping to see if he would crack, or slip up and reveal some juicy indiscretion. He knew what they were after – the headline of the night. ‘Jared Padalecki breaks down on red carpet,’ - ‘Best actor winner crumbles at Oscar ceremony.’ Those were the words that would pay big bucks, earn some lucky hack the biggest pay day of his life, and in some strange way, Jared can understand why none of them wanted to miss out on that pay day. 

 

So, he had well rehearsed answers ready to get him through the media circus; that and a fixed plastic smile. This was Hollywood and Hollywood expects - he could fake it with the best of them. It should have been a flawless performance. 

 

It would have been too, but for one tiny thing that hadn’t been expected – a particular small blonde journalist in a hot pink dress. 

 

Jared had frozen the moment he saw her. Hundreds of people and cameras all around him - not a problem - one blonde journalist and Jared’s mind hurtled so far off script he was screwed.

 

To everyone else she was just another pair of legs with a microphone but for Jared she was hell. A well planted haunting from his days on Supernatural. He remembered her interviewing him on set many times and undoubtedly she had put herself forward for today’s event because of her previous history with him.

 

Oh, yeah she knew the real Jared. She knew what he was like when he had his guard down, how he moved, how he smiled and how he talked. There was no way Jared would be able to hide behind his simple lines. 

 

 

She would read him like a book and she would break him. And Jared - Jared would let her. Then it would be in black and white for everyone to read. It would be played on every news station, over and over again and the world would know what he had done. At last, at long last, he would receive the condemnation he rightly deserved. 

 

No doubt aware that she had scored the biggest hit of the night the blonde journalist smiled and raised her microphone in readiness. 

 

But a sharp pinch to Jared’s arm had brought things back into focus. Sandy. Sandy had his back, like she always had. And then there was Chad who had seen what was happening and had strolled over to take up his other arm. Chad, who managed to glare hard at the blonde despite his dark shades. Two of his closest friends who had stood beside him these last 3 months; keeping him safe, fending away the most intrusive questions and protecting Jared from the ghosts that stalked him. 

 

Jared was at once grateful and guilty; he didn’t deserve to be saved. After all if he hadn’t been so blinkered, so stubborn….

 

‘You coming back to your party,’ Chad’s voice broke Jared’s thoughts. 

 

Jared flinched, Chad wasn’t the quietest of people but he still hadn’t heard him enter the room.

 

Shaking his head, Jared rubbed his eyes, “No you go ahead, I..I can’t celebrate. It just wouldn’t be…’ he sighed, ‘Just go, Chad.”

 

Chad, being well - Chad, stayed put. Jared had been spending far too much time alone, “Come on man, this means a lot to you, to all of us. We’re all proud of you, even ….”

 

‘Don’t,” Jared cut his friend off sharply, “don’t even think of going there.”

 

Chad opened and closed his mouth a few more times unsure if losing a few teeth was worth getting Jared to come with him.

 

“Man you’ve got to pick yourself up. Everyone’s worried about you, try and start thinking about moving on with your life. Maybe give some thought to what you’re going to do next.”

 

“No I..,” Jared pulled himself to his feet and moved towards his hotel rooms panoramic window. 

 

Staring out at the twinkling city lights below, he shivered, “I…. I’m just tired it’s been a really long day. You guys don’t need me moping around you’ve done enough,” he squared his shoulders attempting to put some conviction behind his words. “Seriously you go have some fun, I’ll be ok.” 

 

Jared glanced at Chad, fixing a smile on his face, “Honest, I’m fine.”

 

Chad chewed his lip uncertainly, “I dunno.”

 

“Go,” Jared insisted, “I’ll call if I need you.” 

 

“Well….” 

 

“Go,” Jared said louder and increasingly frustrated, “Go and have a fuckin’ drink.” 

 

Chad held up his arms in defeat, “Ok, ok I’m gone. Just don’t go all sad and broody and don’t you give me that look either, you know what I mean. You did what you thought was best,” he stressed.

 

“Chad,” Jared, glowered warningly.

 

“Ok, I get it, I’ll leave well alone.” Chad backed away, “You know where I’ll be,” and closed the bedroom door behind him.

 

Jared exhaled slowly, turning his attention back towards the window watching people scurry through the night - cars and taxis racing down the street. It was a frantic rush of buzzing life, which only served to make him sadder. 

 

How was everyone able to continue forwards while he felt like he was standing still? 

 

Emotions he had buried threatened to break to the surface leaving his mouth dry and the lump in his throat choking him. If he acknowledged his pain and if he dwelled on what he had let slip through his fingers….well who knew where he would end up. But, he reasoned, didn’t he deserve a little self indulgence? After all if he couldn’t drown in his own misery on the night he won an Oscar then when could he?

 

There were no journalists now to see how deep the fractures were. No well meaning and worried friends to pull him safely away from his melancholy thoughts. He didn’t deserve a trophy after what he had done but it would serve a purpose. It would be a gleaming gilded mockery of his pride and everything he had thrown away. Jared closed his eyes and let his memories wash over him. Memories that made him ache inside - burning his soul and forever scaring his heart. 

 

There was anguish, sorrow and guilt. So much damning guilt. Jared shoved away his public façade and surrendered to his pain. Longing hopelessly to start again, wishing desperately that he had made a different choice.


	2. Chapter 2

  
Author's notes: Going back to the beginning  


* * *

6 Years ago 

 

A brand new series, new challenges, cool props to play with and wonderful new friends, that’s what Jared had gained from his first few months on Supernatural. Sure the days were long and his work schedule bordered somewhere between crazy and exhausting, but he had gained far more than he had sacrificed. He had an awesome job, on what had to be the coolest series on TV. He was working with brilliant writers, inspirational directors and of course Jensen. 

 

Jensen Ackles, fantasy heartthrob of many a teen girls dreams. 

 

Jared had been aware of Jensen’s work before they had met, so he knew that he was a fine actor, which was a little intimidating. But any nerves Jared had harboured about working with his more experienced co-star had been very short lived. 

 

Warm green eyes had smiled at Jared the first time they had met and that had been it for him, he was hooked. Because Jensen was just… well, Jensen. A good old Texas boy who liked a beer and a game of footie. And if Jensen had been a little overwhelmed at the beginning, by an over excitable giant, it never showed and Jared’s special brand of friendliness proved too addictive for even him to resist. From the start it was perfectly natural that they were friends off screen in addition to playing brothers on it. Eric Kripe may have struck lucky pairing them up together but as far as Jared was concerned he had struck gold.

 

Jared easily remembers the exact day that had firmly cemented their friendship. It was over a coffee one rainy Friday morning, as they were running through a script during a break. A nervous and shiny new PA had timidly knocked on their trailer calling them back to set. Jared had welcomed her in a typical Jared kind of way, with a total disrespect for her personal space, enthusiastically throwing arms, legs and smiles to the wide eyed and obviously star-stuck young woman. Jensen watching bemused had joked she had best surrender now, as no one would ever be able to not like Jared, because he would simply hug them to death. Jared, to the PA’s astonishment, had batted his eyelids right back at his co-star, as he declared Jensen had no room to talk as he was just to pretty to resist.

 

From that point Jared and Jensen’s friendship had flourished and the pair were as thick as the proverbial thieves. When one of them had a bad day the other was there to offer support. If Jensen had girlfriend issues - Jared would take him for a beer. When Jared missed Sandy too much - Jensen was waiting after filming with a large meat pizza and a six pack. 

 

It was perhaps unsurprising that when their friendship began to subtly alter it went relatively un-noticed by either one of them. For Jared his relationship with Jensen was as natural as breathing and it was nudged ever forward by his own enthusiasm and love for those deep green eyes.

 

As for Jensen - well he hadn’t stood a chance. But then again, Jared suspected Jensen had always wanted far more than he had ever owned up to. And looking back he knew he was just as guilty.

 

 

“There’s a good game on tonight, you wanna come over and watch it with me?” Jared asked, lounging on a chair in Jensen’s trailer.

 

Jensen, honing his knife throwing techniques with only marginal success, shrugged, “I dunno man I’m a bit tired.”

 

“Whoa! There goes the sound of breaking hearts, old age strikes Hollywood heartthrob.” Jared mocked, throwing his arms up in dramatic horror.

 

Jensen rolled his eyes. “Hey, less of the old, we don’t all race around hyped up on sugar all day, Candy Man!” 

 

Jared stuck his tongue out at Jensen’s back. “But it’s early, it’s only seven o’clock.”

 

“Yeah right, and what part of getting up at four in the morning did you forget?”

 

Jared frowned considering and Jensen knowing his co-star, so very well, paused mid throw and held his breath. He could hear Jared thinking and that was never good a good sign.

 

There was a rustle of movement and Jensen had a couple of seconds to brace himself before the air rushed out of his lungs, as Jared’s arm snaked around his waist pulling him back against his body. “You know you’ll say yes anyway,” Jared tormented, biting Jensen’s right earlobe. “Eventually!” 

 

Jensen swore as he struggled to break free. “Oh, no you don’t. I don’t cave that easily.”

 

“I’ve got beer and Tequila,” Jared whispered persuasively. Continuing to hold Jensen tightly. “We can order Pizza and I’ll even let you beat me at Madden this time.”

 

“As if.”

 

“What? Think you can take me tough guy?”

 

Quick as lightening, and to prove Jensen hadn’t a hope in hell, Jared hooked his leg behind Jensen’s and pulled. 

 

Like all good action manoeuvres it worked when it was co-ordinated by professional stunt guys. Co-ordinated by Jared Padalecki it would only lead to one thing.

 

Jensen, with nothing to grab hold of except Jared, wobbled and fell backwards. As Jensen toppled towards him, Jared belatedly realised he hadn’t actually got the angle of his body quite right and with no time to move out of the way, or free his arm from Jensen’s grasp, they both ended up crashing to the floor. Knives, arms and legs flying in all directions.

 

Jared may not be a stunt genius but he was an actor, if improvisation was called for he was your man. No sooner had they landed in an undignified heap, with Jensen cursing on top of him, than Jared was moving. Rolling his surprised co-star onto his back Jared crowed in triumph, eyes glittering with mirth. It may not have been perfect but the end result was the same, he had Jensen pinned down like he had in the pilot episode. 

 

Breathing a little heavier with exertion, Jared put on his best wounded face, intent on making Jensen cave.

 

“Come on Jensen, just say yes.”

 

Jensen flinched at Jared’s weaselling voice, he knew he shouldn’t look up but he couldn’t help himself. 

 

Damn those bloody puppy eyes.

 

“Ok, Ok, I’ll come over, now get off me you frickin’ big oaf, you’re heavy.” 

 

“You are too easy,” Jared laughed pinching Jensen’s cheek before releasing him and helping him to his feet.

 

Jensen threw him a dark look, muttering under his breath, “One of these days Padalecki you’re gonna go too far!” 

 

Jared blew him a kiss. “You’re so mine Princess.”

 

Jensen glared as he pushed past Jared’s grinning face, retrieving his scattered knives.

 

“You know Jay,” Jensen said thoughtfully. “If you were to stand in front of that damn board, I really think my aim would improve.”

 

Jared’s smirk made it half way across his face and stopped; the serious look in Jensen’s eyes making it hesitate. Jensen he knew wouldn’t intentionally hurt him but… accidents did happen. As Jensen raised an eyebrow and a knife, Jared beat a hasty retreat. Dancing out of reach, Jared made for the door, “I’m just gonna get my jacket and then we can get off.”

 

Jared was out the door before Jensen replied; a very sound idea judging from the clatter that swiftly followed. 

 

A few hours later the evening was unfolding pretty much as it always did. They had grabbed a lift to Jared’s hotel bickering over the radio station, ordered two enormous pizzas for dinner, because Jared didn’t know the meaning of regular sized meals, and Jensen had been soundly hammered at ‘Madden.’ Now they were starting to make headway into the Tequila having finished off the beer with dinner.

 

“So,” said Jared, knocking back his shot, whilst balancing precariously on the edge of his big, brown leather sofa. “Did you really look me up on the internet?”

 

“Say what?” Jensen asked, putting the control pad down and peering at Jared as if he had gone slightly crazy.

 

“Did, you, really, look, me, up, on the internet?” Jared repeated slowly.

 

Jensen shrugged, pouring another drink. “Oh that, yeah I did.” He leaned back on the couch putting his feet on the coffee table.

 

“Why?” 

 

Jensen paused, resting his drink on his knee. “Just wanted to see who I’d be working with. Why you askin’ now anyway? Does it matter?”

 

“No.” Jared ran his fingers across the top of his glass.

 

Jensen’s alcohol fogged brain was running a bit slow, but he registered that something was bothering the big guy.

 

“Ok, spill,” Jensen sighed, knowing Jared could fix that look on his face well into lunch time the next day. “Man, you really know how to spoil a good bottle of Tequila quit doing the broody Sam face.”

 

Jared stuck his tongue out, “Ass.”

 

“You,” Jensen said, taking a large swallow of his drink, “are not going near my ass with that.”

 

Jared worryingly didn’t have a witty comeback. “I was just thinking, and it got me sort of spooked, what if you had looked at my picture and decided you couldn’t work with me? What if….”

 

All things considered it seemed a little late to Jensen for Jared to even be bringing this up.

 

“Jay there is not any if, so don’t go there. I was curious about who you were. I wanted to be prepared that’s all.”

 

Jared relaxed a little turning to face Jensen. “Could have been a whole lot different if we hadn’t liked each other.”

 

Jensen shrugged, “Well we did and it isn’t. One look at your big dorky face and I knew we would be ok.”

 

“We got lucky,” Jared said softly. “I got lucky. I got a great friend out of this deal. Hell, I’m closer to you than some of my own family.”

 

“Jared,” Jensen replied holding his gaze. “I get where you’re coming from and I used think sometimes it was almost too good to be true, but I think sometimes you just get dealt a sweet hand and this was one of them.”

 

Jared nodded, as they starred silently at each other. It felt like he was at one of those revolutionary moments in life when you know something is happening but you don’t know what that is, but you do know that it feels truly amazing. Try as he might whatever was clicking into place eluded him, until feeling confused rather than embarrassed, Jared broke eye contact and reached for the Tequila again.

 

“You crashing here tonight?” Jared asked, eventually.

 

“Maybe, depends if I have to listen to another bout of phone sex between you and your girl.”

 

Jared laughed but had the decency to blush. “Guess I need to remember to adjust my volume control when I have guests over.”

 

“No shit!" Jensen snickered grabbing the bottle off Jared. “I know she’s hot and you want to keep things ticking over nicely, while your up here and she’s in LA, but I would hate to be one of your neighbours if you shout and moan like that when you’re actually together.”

 

“I get a bit enthusiastic sometimes.”

 

Jensen, spilling more Tequila on the table than he poured in his glass, laughed at Jared’s feeble defence. “That’s one word for it! Jay, if you’re as good as you sound we should all be queuing for a slice of Padalecki!”

 

Jared, his earlier discomfort forgotten, wrestled for the Tequila and Jensen’s glass in retaliation. “I’m better than good and you’re only jealous.”

 

“Son of a… gimme back my glass Jay!”

 

“Make me.”

 

“Jerk, you’ve got your own glass,” Jensen lunged at Jared’s arm, but his glass was out of reach.

 

“But mine’s empty.” Jared pouted squinting at the bottle, which was a little under half full. “Fuck, we are so gonna look wasted in the morning; make-up’s gonna kill us!”

 

“Now you know why I wanted to go home earlier,” Jensen replied, giving up on the idea of getting his glass back. “We need to get some sleep.”

 

“You gonna be alright on the couch?”

 

Jensen sighed, “As the alternative would be cuddling up next to you, I think I’ll cope.”

 

“Hey!” Jared elbowed Jensen, “I do not cuddle.”

 

Staggering to his feet, Jared weaved his way across the lounge setting the bottle and glass on a corner table so he could go grab a couple of pillows and a blanket for Jensen.

 

“Want me to tuck you in?” Jared asked trying to keep a straight face as he handed the bed linen over.

 

“I may be pretty Jared, but I’m not that much of a girl!” Jensen snatched the pillow, batting Jared aside the head with it.

 

“Hmmm really, I seem to remember it was you who jumped into my arms when we were shooting by the lake.”

 

Jensen wisely didn’t reply. Because honestly - he didn’t really have an answer. That incident had caused much hilarity on set had actually been a spontaneous action on Jensen’s part. Jared had just gone right along with it. That’s just how they were an effortless team. Friends. Except Jensen needed to work on that definition; sure ‘friend’ was a word he could use; ‘best friend’ was probably closer. Except Chad Michael Murray held the best friend category already and maybe, whatever it was they were, couldn’t easily be tagged and slipped into a numbered box.

 

“You still with me?” Jared’s voice interrupted Jensen’s train of thought.

 

“Yeah, sorry just asleep on my feet,” Jensen replied taking the rest of the bedding. 

 

Jared looked at Jensen thoughtfully for several minutes before he nodded slowly and smiled goodnight and took himself off to bed.

 

As Jared wondered off into his bedroom Jensen’s voice chased after him.

 

“And I don’t want to wake up to any phone sex in the morning either.” 

 

********

 

Jared made a conscious effort not to analyse his relationship with Jensen over the next few months. Working very long hours helped, as he was often so tired he had trouble remembering his own name. Plus there was also his relationship with his steady girlfriend, Sandy to keep him occupied. Jared adored Sandy and he never wasted any time in making her feel anything less than special. If he did find himself with a few days off, Jared was often sampling the delights of aircraft food, as he flew backwards and forwards between Vancouver and LA. 

 

While Jared was working on his established relationship, Jensen’s affairs continued as they always did with girlfriends who were more off than on. 

 

So, life rolled along quite nicely. ‘Gummy bear’ war’s were a regular feature on set, and an accepted part of the growing synchronicity that continued to develop between them. On promotional work it was no surprise, and certainly not out of the ordinary, for Jensen to have Jared draped over his body at press junkets. While in their downtime Jensen would doze off on Jared’s couch, to wake up hours later with a slumbering Jared asleep on his shoulder. 

 

The changes in their relationship were just so subtle and so normal for them it wasn’t surprising that no one on the Supernatural set noticed, or commented on how close they were. 

 

It would take an outsider to do that. 

 

An outsider who possibly knew Jensen better than anyone.

 

Christian Kane arrived with spring. 

 

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

  
Author's notes: A warning  


* * *

Like the warming weather, Christian Kane walked onto the Supernatural set full of sunny smiles and easy laughter. With a cowboy hat tipped back on his head and faded blue jeans, he looked, as Jared put it, ‘very rock-n-roll.’

 

“My man,” Chris called out to Jensen, as he spotted him and Jared coming out of kraft services, “it’s good to see you. You been hiding up here too long kiddo.” 

 

“Chris,” Jensen’s face broke out with a genuine smile, “I didn’t know you were gonna be in Vancouver.”

 

Chris shrugged, stealing a scallop from Jared’s food mountain, “I go where the music leads me man. Bands got a gig just out of town and I’m looking for some support.” 

 

“Which means us,” Jensen beamed, it had been ages since he had listen to Kane play.

 

Chris arched an eyebrow at Jared, “You up for coming along as well big guy? I know Jenny here likes to speak for all his friends but I figure you could be flying back to visit your girl.”

 

“And miss Kane? When I know you’re gonna get Jensen up on stage at some point? No way am I not coming along.” 

 

Chris’s eyebrow curved higher, “Well, don’t be dragging me into any domestics when she throws a fit, but it’s gonna be cool to have you both along.”

 

Chris slung his arm over Jensen’s shoulders, and looked over at Jared, “Man, you need to cut down on the munchies cos you really are one big streak of sunshine.” 

 

“And you little guys just can’t hold the calories!” Jared retorted, snatching his plate out Chris’s reach. “Best leave the good stuff to the guys who know how to handle their food.”

 

Chris rolled his eyes, “Is he always this annoying?”

 

“Sometimes he’s worse,” Jensen conceded, “Say, why don’t we go over to my trailer and grab a beer.”

 

A couple of sodas later for Jensen, as he still had scenes to shoot that day, and beers for Chris and Jared, they were chilling out nicely. All three men so laid back they were slipping effortlessly into their roots, dropping Hollywood polish in favour of good ole Texas homeboys. There was an easy humour to Christian Kane and Jared, who had only met him a handful of times before, found himself warming to the man. But there was something that made Jared stay this side of uncomfortable; every now and again he would catch Chris looking at him with a hard edge to his eye. 

 

Looking at the way things were back then if Jared were asked to say what caused the drama to begin, he would immediately think of Christian Kane. The man had a sharp eye and an even sharper tongue when it came to Jensen. It was Chris’s protective nature that first planted the seeds of curiosity in Jared’s mind. 

 

Jensen was eventually called back to set and Jared was just thinking about going into town to get a few errands sorted, when the floodgates burst open.

 

“You and me need to have a little talk,” Chris scowled.

 

“Okay,” Jared replied. “I guess you’re gonna explain why you’ve been sending me those dark look for the last hour.” 

 

Chris tipped his hat further back, “Look, I care about Jensen, he’s a good buddy, but this thing you got going on, I ain’t sure it’s such a good thing.”

 

Jared stared at him, doing his best goldfish impression, “What? What the hell you drinking Chris, cos that there, ain’t makin’ any sense?”

 

“You really don’t get it do you?” Chris sounded incredulous.

 

“No, I really don’t.”

 

“It’s you Jared. I’ve seen you plastered all over my TV screen, you and Jensen sharing those little looks, all cosy and intimate.”

 

“So?” Jared was puzzled. “We’re playing brothers here Chris. You know acting it up for the cameras. It’s no big deal.”

 

“No big deal?” Chris shook his head in disbelief. “Sure, I get you need to have all this close shit for the show and I know you guys are friends, but man….this is something else, something more.”

 

“I’m not sure I follow,” Jared said quietly, the sinking feeling in his stomach warning him he wasn’t going to like what he heard next.

 

Chris paused, studying Jared’s face carefully. “Don’t you see that it’s more than odd two guys like you carrying on this way. Some people might read more into it than there really is, or maybe there… you…” Chris sighed. “Be careful Jared and don’t go getting into stuff that you ain’t ready for, and for sure Jen ain’t. Even if you don’t see it you’re heading for something big and when it goes down the shit’s gonna hit the fan.”

 

Jared’s laughter echoed in his ears. “Chris, you got no worries. Look I’ve read those stories on the internet; some of the crew have even printed some of it off, but honestly, don’t be telling me that you buy into all that horseshit?”

 

“No, of course not, but…”

 

“But nothing,” Jared smiled. “If Jensen was here he would bust your ass for being so stupid. Now come on you can help me pick up a few things as punishment,” he pulled Chris along with him. “Besides if I get bored I can always fool around with you.”

 

Chris froze, wavering unsteadily. “You’re so not funny.”

 

“And you are so easy, just like Jensen. Now come on we’ve got a lot to get done,” Jared said dragging a protesting Christian Kane after him.

 

For the rest of the day Jared escorted Chris from menswear shops, to the bank, and around a half dozen shoe stores. Jared smirking at Chris’s long suffering face. 

 

“I think I need…”

 

“Do not,” Chris warned, “think of finishing that sentence!”

 

Jared beamed at him, “I was going to say I need a beer.”

 

“And you couldn’t have said that earlier?” Chris smiled at the mention of much needed liquor. He knew Jared was getting his own back for their little talk but it had to be done. Pink shirts aside, Jared was actually an ok sort of guy. He was young and enthusiastic but hell they’d all been there; doing stuff without thinking. Jared would learn, and if Chris had his way he’d learn damn sharpish and not drag Jensen into some heavy stuff with his ridiculous antics. 

 

If he was being tough, Chris would say it was the acting business. They were a part of the Hollywood machine and you played by the rules. If nobody had pulled Jared up before then it was long overdue. Chris knew that Jared was one part shocked and three parts confused by their conversation today. But this was Jensen and Chris would protect him in the only way he knew how. It had been that way since - forever. Jensen, painfully naïve and very shy when he had first blown into town had been taken under Chris’s wing. Jensen had learned early on how to play the Hollywood game and as time went by he had also turned into a pretty fine actor.

 

But Jensen had never shook off his distrust and suspicion for outsiders and whenever he felt threatened he would withdraw back into his shell. Although they were tight, Chris had never been able to get Jensen to trust him completely, but somehow Jared Padalecki had. Now Jared and his overly familiar behaviour were going too far. It had to be stopped. One day Jared would realise his actions were inappropriate and would thank Chris for this enlightening moment. Jensen would be safe and to Chris that was all that mattered. 

 

Chris was playing with explosives. He was taking Jared and Jensen’s relationship and shoving it under a glaring spotlight. Splintered cracks would inevitably form. This incident was flagged with a big red sign and rapidly became the turning point in the history of Jared and Jensen. 

 

It was unfortunate none of them knew just how badly things would work out.

 

****

 

Jared’s excursion into retail wonderland came to an end with Chris laden down with bags, wishing he hadn’t decided to visit Vancouver. From now on Jensen could damn well fork out for a plane ticket once in a while and come visit him where shopping was outlawed except in dire emergencies. So tired, Chris almost forgot he was in town with his band.

 

Jared dropped Chris off at his hotel, made a swift trip home to shower, change clothes and feed his dogs. He had just pulled a snappy pale pink shirt from his wardrobe and was buttoning it up when Jensen swung by to collect him.

 

Jensen arched an eyebrow. “You got released from set three hours before I did and you’re still not ready.”

 

Fastening the last few buttons, Jared gave him a twirl, “Perfection takes time; you can’t rush these things.”

 

“Perfection my ass,” Jensen retorted. “So how did you two get on?”

 

“Okay,” Jared replied carefully.

 

“Do you want to expand on that Padalecki?” 

 

Jared shrugged.

 

“Man,” Jensen shook his head. “I knew it. Chris had that look. What has he been up to this time?” 

 

Jared straightened his shoulders defensively. “Nothing. Okay, nothing much,” he admitted, as Jensen arched an eyebrow. “Just some stuff about me being too touchy feely.”

 

“Who with?” Jensen leaned against a large ugly table, arms folded.

 

Jared groaned, “Don’t make me say it. It was bad enough that he brought it up.”

 

Jensen looked at him blankly. “Okay, big guy you lost me, unless you mean…” He pondered. “You mean me right? You do don’t you? What the hell. Jared please, please tell me I’m dreaming? This is some obscure fairy story?” Jensen paled. 

 

“I would but it seems that Christian Kane has other views, so come on Cinders we’re going to the bar.”

 

“Jared!”

 

“What? Just forget about it. It’s so not important,” Jared shrugged, grabbing his keys.

 

“Look he can be a bit…overprotective sometimes,” Jensen followed Jared out. “I’m sure he doesn’t mean it the way it sounded. Chris has been a good friend for years and he just likes to watch out for me,” he added. “He may even feel a bit pushed out. I’m not known for taking to people as quick as I took to you. What we have,” Jensen searched for the right words, “we needed to gel for the show and we have a lot in common outside of that. What I’m trying to say is Chris and I don’t get the opportunity to spend the time together the way you and I do. Hell, Jared I’m not likely to be this close to anyone again. We have something special.”

 

Jared felt a warm flush creep up body. He got what Jensen was saying. There was an intimacy between them that defied words. 

 

“So, are we good?” Jensen asked, slapping Jared on the shoulder.

 

Jared nodded hesitantly. “Yeah, we’re good. Come on let’s go grab a few beers, shoot some pool and see if we can get you a nice, hot waitress to go home with.”

 

“Hot, yes but nice - hell no!” Jensen smirked, “Dirty. I want a dirty, hot waitress.”

 

“Dirty it is,” Jared agreed, locking the door behind them.

 

Ironically it was Chris that ended up with the dirty, hot waitress when Jensen decided to pass. Why Jensen backed down on the offer of a night with Brandi, in her little black skirt and low cut white top, Jared wasn’t sure. He’d come back from the men’s room to catch Jensen glaring at Chris. They’d obviously had words and it left Jensen sitting stony faced next to Jared while Chris went off to make a play for Brandi and her very loose morals. 

 

Jared, uncomfortable at the thought of being the cause of an argument made an effort to break the silent ice. “You sure you didn’t want her?” he asked, as the bar started to thin out.

 

“No, Chris is welcome to her.” Jensen sounded fed up.

 

“Not like you to be out gunned,” Jared took a long drink of his beer. “Chris is an amateur beside you.”

 

Jensen clinked his beer with Jared’s. “Can’t argue with that,” he agreed. “It takes years of practice to get this good.”

 

“So speaks the master,” Jared mocked.

 

“Hey, I’ll have you know I could give lessons in dating.”

 

“Jensen, you could give lessons in how to strip naked in 60 seconds or less, but give dating advice?” Jared shuddered.

 

“I date,” Jensen protested.

 

“But not the same girl more than a handful of times. You have great empathy with Dean on that score,” Jared added. “Which kinda blows your whole ‘dating’ concept out of the water.”

 

“You sayin’ I’m a lousy date?” Jensen asked, somewhat put out.

 

Jared smiled, feeling relaxed from the alcohol. “At least I only said you were a lousy date and not a lousy lay!”

 

“Jared! I don’t believe you just said that!”

 

Jared lounging in his seat curled his lips around his beer, “Come on everybody’s got to be crap at something. You find it difficult to commit to one person.”

 

“Hey, that’s not fair! You know how my relationships have turned out in the past. We can’t all be loved up like you and Sandy.”

 

“Yeah, I am lucky,” Jared mused. “I could always fix you up with one of Sandy’s friends.”

 

Jensen rolled his eyes, “If I ever need to come to you to get me a woman, I’ll give it all up and turn gay.”

 

“Who’s gay?” Chris’s voice interrupted their conversation, and they both looked up to see him leaning over, with the now off duty waitress on his arm.

 

“Chad,” said Jared quickly, not wanting to get into yet another deep and meaningful conversation with Chris tonight.

 

Jensen covered his grin at Chris’s surprise. “Huh, never would have guessed, weird though, why did he get married?”

 

“Long story,” Jared replied solemnly attempting to keep a straight face, which wasn’t easy when Jensen cracked up laughing.

 

 

Chris did a double take. “You shittin’ me right? Very funny guys, well I’m off to have a little light entertainment with…” he glanced at his companion, “um…what was your name again?”

 

“Brandi,” the waitress drawled.

 

“Of course you are,” Jensen nodded wisely, before completely losing it; laughter bringing tears to his eyes 

 

Chris gave up as they disintegrated into laughter and lurid descriptions of Chad and his numerous conquests and escorted the willing waitress out of the bar.

 

“Man, I don’t think he’s going to forgive me in a hurry,” Jensen gasped, his sides aching. “I hope Brandi is as good as she looks!”

 

“I’m sure he’ll let us know tomorrow,” said Jared wryly. “You know we should call it a night, we’ve got an early call.”

 

“Don’t remind me, but at least we get a long break off in a couple of weeks. What are you gonna do over the summer?” Jensen asked.

 

“Apart from the promo work, not much,” Jared sighed, it would be good to finally have a break. “Spend time with Sandy and then go home to visit my folks. What you up to blazing a trail across the country with Chris?”

 

“Some of the time,” Jensen grinned. “Come on lets head back.”

 

Whatever else Jensen may or not have planned remained a mystery, and Jared felt somewhat uneasy that it bothered him he didn’t know. 

 

****

 

The following morning started in the worst way possible for Jared, with Jensen hammering loudly on his hotel room door and his radio alarm singing merrily away to its self. Jared somewhere between still asleep and not awake stumbled across the room to let Jensen in.

 

“Man, I was looking forward to breakfast this morning and then you go and thrust that at me,” Jensen protested, shielding his eyes.

 

“Huh?” was the most coherent word Jared could muster.

 

Jensen bundled him back inside and kicked the door shut. “Ok, let’s move it along before we wake up the whole floor and everyone gets an eyeful of you.”

 

Jared squinted, thinking as he rubbed his stomach and….his eyes shot open, his sudden wakefulness allowing his mind to quickly process … 

 

He was naked. 

 

He had answered the door to Jensen naked. 

 

He had answered the door to Jensen naked, whilst sporting full morning wood.

 

“Bathroom,” Jared turned quickly. “I’ll be over there, in the bathroom. I’ll be two minutes.”

 

“Hey, Jay you take your time in there; wouldn’t want you to snap anything off ‘cause you’re being too heavy handed,” Jensen winked.

 

Jared, flushing scarlet fled with Jensen’s laughter chasing after him. As if he would jerk off to…Oh, no he was so not going there. Sadly, for Jared his mind wasn’t in the mood to co-operate and he found himself standing under the blast of freezing water for a full five minutes. 

 

Predictably, Jensen smirked and looked at his watch when he exited the bathroom. “Better shake that ass of yours a bit quicker Jared we need to get going.”

 

Jared threw his wet towel at him as he disappeared to get dressed.

 

A few moments later, water dripping down his face from his wet hair, Jared was good to go.

 

Jensen patted his shoulder affectionately, “Jared, I can honestly say today was a first for me.”

 

Jared arched an eyebrow. “Dare I ask? On second thoughts I’ll pass, something’s are just too much for my delicate ears.”

 

“Dude, from where I was standing there ain’t nothing delicate about you.”

 

“You’re just jealous.”

 

Jensen shook his head, “Credit where it’s due, no wonder Sandy is happy with this long distance thing you got going.”

 

Pushing the elevator button Jared propped himself up against the wall. “Why do I think this is going to be insulting?”

 

Jensen, a devilish grin spreading across his face shrugged, “Not at all, you got to admit, Jay you could poke her damn eye out all the way back in LA with that.”

 

The elevator pinged and the doors slid open. Jared stepped quickly inside, blocking Jensen’s access, and pushed the down button. “Like I said,” Jared watched as the doors slid shut. “You’re just jealous.” He tapped his watch. “Better hustle that cute butt of yours if you’re gonna get down the stairs in time.”

 

Jared saw Jensen blush as the doors closed. Fifteen floors later Jared, finally, began to understand Chris’s warning. 

 

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

  
Author's notes: Recognition  


* * *

Present Day

 

“Jared! Jared!” it took sometime to register that the woman’s voice calling to him didn’t belong with the memories. Somewhat dazed Jared slowly scanned his room.

 

It was Sandy. A tired and at the end of her patience, Sandy who sighed heavily, “Are you drunk?”

 

“No,” Jared tipped his head in the direction of his untouched drink, while his inner voice shouted loudly. “No, because there’s not enough alcohol on the planet that can make me forget everything.”

 

“No? Right!” frown flickering over her face, Sandy reached out to him, as if knowing what he was thinking. “Jared you have to stop doing this to your self. What can you change by being this miserable?” 

 

Jared shrugged her off. “I’m not doing anything.” 

 

“Yes, you are and it won’t do you a bit of good. It wasn’t your fault.”

 

“Not my…” Jared stared down at her, eyes cold. “How could you, of all people, say that?”

 

“I can say it because I know you. Just like that journo on the red carpet I know everything about you,” Sandy had held her tongue for long enough. If someone couldn’t reach Jared soon she didn’t think there would be any saving him. He barely ate, hardly slept and he refused point blank to socialise with his friends.

 

“Go back to the party, Sandy.”

 

“What so you can wallow some more?” it came out far more harshly then she had intended. 

 

Moodily, Jared stormed away from her, wrenching off his tie, tossing it carelessly aside as he grabbed his drink. Taking a large gulp of the fiery liquid he raised his glass to her, “Happy now. I’m celebrating too. Yes, let’s have one big happy fuckin’ party,” he snarled, throwing his glass against the wall. It was an ugly sound; breaking glass, glittering splintered shards flying in all directions, liquor dripping slowly down the wall.

 

“Jared!” Sandy cried shocked by his sudden violence.

 

But Jared was focused on the running liquid, as if it held all the questions to his pain. “You don’t you get it,” his voice little more than a whisper, sinking to his knees. “You don’t get it!”

 

Sandy had never seen this side of Jared. Sure, she’d seen him angry, had seen him overly protective towards her getting into the face of other men when they had tried to be too familiar, but never this. Never this much anger, especially not directed at himself. Unsure as to how he would react and terrified by his turbulent emotions, Sandy steeled herself. “I do Jared, I do,” she answered, kneeling next to him. 

 

He shook his head, anger subsiding into tiredness. He always felt tired these days. “No.” Gently touching her cheek. “You don’t, because you never knew it all. You never knew when I…when things started to change, not really.”

 

This was painful. Jared wasn’t referring to their relationship. He was thinking of him. It all revolved around Jensen. Always had. She may have been a large part of Jared’s life but ultimately she hadn’t been able to compete. And now, added to all that had happened, Jared was hinting he hadn’t been honest when they were together. Sandy would have liked to have walked away, refused to hear what Jared done but how could she? She had never seen such desperation before, so much self loathing. Jared needed to talk, to get things into the open. Maybe then the wounds he carried would begin to heal.

 

Pulling him into her arms she drew a deep breath. “Why don’t you tell me?” she asked, calmly.

 

Jared looked at her for a long time, knowing this had to be hard, dragging up ghosts they had thought were laid to rest. She was so beautiful and deserved so much more. Far more than he had been able to give her. “I’m sorry, I really am. I…we… we tried so hard.” He let out a short, bitter laugh, “You can’t begin to realise how much we tried not to.” 

 

Sandy squeezed his arm. “We’re past history, Jared I’m not going to hold it against you, and maybe it you will feel better finally talking about it.”

 

Tears barely held in check, Jared nodded, “Okay.” Maybe it would help. At least he could explain why he had been so slow to make a complete break with her. But it was a daunting prospect, revealing all. Because how did he tell a woman he had loved that a large part of his heart had always been taken by a man with sultry green eyes and a wicked smile?

 

 

5 Years ago

 

Jared had a whole summer to over analyse his relationship with Jensen. A whole summer of Christian bloody Kane’s words echoing on endless loop in his head. Jared was bursting with it all. Seriously, there was no one he could talk to, how could he? It wasn’t the sort of thing you could bring up in casual conversation. How do you even begin to ask someone, ‘Do you think I’m a bit um..gay for my co-star?’ or ‘Kane reckons me and Jen have some big secret romance going on, what do you think?’

It was a non starter and of course there was also no way he could discuss this with Jensen. It would only drag Chris back into it and no way was Jared going to kick off another rift between the two friends. 

 

Christian Kane’s visit had fallen flat after that night in the bar. Jared and Jensen had gone along to the gig at the weekend but they had left before the end. Jensen adamantly refusing to join them on stage. Chris had shot a few disappointed looks at Jared the next day but he didn’t bring up any more of his concerns. There was no mistaking the edge of frostiness Jensen had with Chris, but whatever words were exchanged, Jensen kept to them himself, and it had taken a few weeks for the ice to thaw. 

 

Besides, Jared hadn’t seen Jensen during the summer break, although they continued to swap texts and speak on the phone. So, Jared was left driving himself insane and lavishing an extra amount of affection on Sandy as compensation. 

 

But the second season was starting shortly and Jared was due back in Vancouver. It was a season that ended up pushing them both professionally and emotionally. Specifically it was hard for Jensen, who never did things by halves. With the scripts Kripke and his team were coming up with it was draining and the continually long shoots wore him down more than usual. 

 

It perhaps shouldn’t have surprised Jared, that their first tentative steps outside of their normal friendship came after one of those tough scenes, but it did. With Jensen too deep inside Dean’s character and drawing on very real life pain, it was up to Jared to steer them into safer waters. But Jared was already drowning by this point and no one had thought to tell him where his life jacket was. 

 

He and Jensen had just wrapped a scene about Dean’s guilt over their father’s death. Leaning on the Impala tears falling down his cheeks, Jensen had knocked it out of the park. An incredibly emotional moment, Jared had been staggered by Jensen’s acting ability. But hours of playing Dean’s anguish had Jensen in a bad headspace and genuinely suffering. He had walked rapidly off set into the trees the minute the cameras stopped rolling, head down, needing some time alone to pull himself back together. Jared watching him hesitated for a few seconds before following slowly behind. Knowing that Jensen wasn’t in the mood for words when he caught up, Jared kept silent, placing a comforting arm across Jensen’s shoulders as they continued to walk away from prying eyes. 

 

After a good 10 minutes, Jensen stopped and looked towards Jared, and Jared’s stomach lurched. He had always acknowledged that Jensen was one good looking guy but standing in the middle of nowhere, tired with makeup and tears streaking down his face, he stole every rational thought Jared possessed.

 

“Jensen,” Jared’s voice cracked. 

 

Jensen shook his head, rubbing a hand over his face, unable to come up with any words. He looked so lost and Jared couldn’t think of anything else. “Come here,” he urged, pulling Jensen into a hug. He was a tight bundle of muscle in Jared’s arms. Strung out and wrecked. “You so aced that scene man. I mean you rocked, you really rocked.” Jared stroked his arms up and down his slighter co-stars back, murmuring into his short spiked hair.

 

“I’m done in,” Jensen’s tired voice mumbled into Jared’s jacket.

 

“We’ve finished, you wanna go straight home?” Jared asked managing to answer after a long moment.

 

“I dunno what I want,” Jensen breathed, raising his head, and Jared, having no control over his hands, began gently wiping tear tracks from Jensen’s cheek.

 

“Whatever you want man,” Jared said softly.

 

Then there was nothing else but the two of them. 

 

No Sam and Dean. 

 

No scripts or film sets. 

 

Just Jensen and Jared. 

 

Two guys from Texas and a whole lot of something between them.

 

But it was early days. Jared had been silently tormenting himself for months, and Jensen? Well, Jensen, as always, kept his cards close to his chest. There were no words at this point, only a silent acknowledgement that sooner or later they would have to talk about what was happening.

 

Nodding, Jensen tipped his head down, relaxing into Jared’s arms, who feeling easy for the first time since Christian Kane’s visit, pressed his lips tenderly to Jensen’s forehead.

 

Freak outs would be saved for later. 

 

Accusations and denial; a whole shed load of denial could wait. 

 

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

  
Author's notes: where the lying starts  


* * *

5 Years ago

 

In the land of denial Jared Padalecki was King, although Jensen was giving him a good run for his money. Since their brief brush with honesty both of them had their heads firmly buried in the sand. 

 

For Jared, he felt he had done enough to acknowledge that there was something about his relationship with Jensen that didn’t firmly sit within the usual scope of ‘friend’. And Jensen? He was a master at hiding what he was feeling, or so it seemed to Jared.

 

It was a shame that Jared wasn’t paying closer attention, because Jensen was speaking in a language as old as time. His usual reserve melting away, as he unconsciously demonstrated exactly how he felt about Jared through soft wistful smiles and casual touches. 

 

But Jared was too busy painting the walls of his palace in denial and didn’t notice. He was too consumed with picking colour schemes and creating the 2.5 kids in his head. And the weirdest thing about it all - living in denial was working. 

 

With season two rolling like a well oiled machine towards its end they carried on as they had always done. There were guy’s nights out with Tom and Mike plus a few others from the Smallville cast, where they were all loud and manly. They had guy’s nights in watching the footie and kicking back a few beers, where more often than not, Jensen ended up sleeping on Jared’s couch. High stake pranks continued on set, achieving almost legendry status and most of all they continued to deliver stellar performance as Sam and Dean.

 

However, there was one exception to the status quo - Jensen discovered the joys of dating one woman. Jared had choked on his coffee when he heard. Jensen dating? Like seriously dating? Now where did that one come from? And for a moment denial looked like it was a little shaky, but pushing his thoughts aside it wasn’t long before Jared was inviting Jensen and Daneel to join him and Sandy for the odd meal or two. 

 

Yes, all things considered it was all going really well. They had wonderful lives, gorgeous girls and this thing between them all wrapped up in a big pink bow of shiny innocence. 

 

Then Eric Kripke had to go and spoil it all.

 

If Christian Kane had been the culprit who had started the ball rolling, then Eric Kripke became the match that lit the fire.

 

In receipt of the scripts for the two episodes that would make up the season finale Jared was sitting in Jensen’s trailer, musing over his scenes with a large bag of gummy bears, “Dude, this is great stuff, it’s gonna blow the fans minds.”

 

Jensen unusually, remained stonily silent.

 

“Jensen?” 

 

But his co-star was shaking his head, knuckles white around his coffee cup, “No, No, absolutely no way!”

 

“What?” Jared asked, alarmed, “What’s wrong?”

 

Jensen raised wild eyes, “I can’t do this. I gotta talk to Kripke.”

 

Talk to Kripke? What the hell? “Jen, you’re not making any sense,” Jared, pushed his gummy bears towards Jensen, candy always made everyone feel better. 

 

“Fuck sake Jared! You think a few bloody sweets are going to make this alright?” Jensen took a swipe at the packet sending the coloured bears flying.

 

“Hey!” Jared scowled, “what is you’re damn problem? It’s a good script. What are you jealous, cos I don’t have to do as much work, only lay their and listen to you sob all over my bod…y,” and then the penny dropped. It would be a dramatically charged end - Sam would be dead and Dean would be crazed with grief. For Jensen getting into the character, absorbing the mood; he would see only one thing – Jared.

 

Jared swallowed hard and looked away. Suddenly, denial wasn’t looking quite as rosy. 

Ignoring each other the silence only grew louder and longer. But neither of them was willing to be the one who dragged the elephant out into the open.

 

“S….o,” Jensen sighed, reluctance evident in each syllable.

 

“It’s just a scene,” Jared shrugged, “you know that right?” he glanced at Jensen, “you don’t have to play it like its real. I mean, surely….there’s gotta be something else you can think of?”

 

“Dude, has your head not been with me in virtually every scene we’ve shot?”

 

Jared frowned, bending over to scoop his candy off the floor, “Can’t you try,” he muttered thickly, “just for once?”

 

“Right, so I should, what - think of a faceless mannequin? Or perhaps pretend you’re somebody else?”

 

“Well, isn’t that better than the alternative? Jared demanded, tossing the sweets on the table, “Do you think you can handle it if you do think of me? Can you separate Jensen from Dean or me from Sam? Can you look at me lying there and not feel that it’s real?” 

 

There were only so many ways they could try to dodge the speeding bullet and Jared’s frustration was rapidly closing down the options.

 

“You know what Jared, let’s forget we ever had this conversation,” Jensen backed away.

 

But Jared couldn’t. He didn’t know how to. So, he was on his feet in a flash and moving towards Jensen, shortening the distance between them. He was determined. But to achieve what? He didn’t know.

 

Jensen kept shaking his head, desperate to escape, “Fuck off, Jared! We are not having this out. We are not. We can’t. This is why we need to get the script changed. How do I hide how I feel about you?” he screamed.

 

Oh yeah, there was the elephant. Denial was shot to pieces.

 

Jared froze, face burning as Christian Kane’s warning buzzed in his head like a swarm of angry bees, “I….” he coughed, uncomfortably, “I don’t know what to say.”

 

“Nothing, Jared. You say nothing, that’s the whole point,” Jensen sank wearily back into his chair.

 

“Seems a bit unfair,” Jared replied, pacing up and down, the sheer motion of moving his wired limbs providing some semblance of comfort, “as you just outed what we’ve been dodging all year.”

 

“Guess that makes me the girl,” Jensen sighed ruefully, “Dude, when did we go so far off track?”

 

Jared laughed, “Beats me. You’ve always been…. I dunno…. just Jensen to me. Didn’t really think too closely about where you fitted in with the rest of my life. Didn’t see the need to hit you with a label.”

 

Jensen nodded, “Same here,” he rubbed his eyes, “Does it have to mean something? What I mean is, do we have to only feel a particular way about each other? Is there some rule that says we can’t look at each other and want something more?” and right there was the elephant again. Because they were more than just close friends and much deeper feelings were now involved. Feelings that were not platonic. 

 

“Okay, awkward,” Jared flushed, “Let’s just call it all those things we feel but don’t wanna say.”

 

“Yeah, those,” Jensen agreed, relieved he was off the hook.

 

Jared idly played with a gummy bear, “We’re not gonna get the script changed, you do get that?” 

 

Jensen watched him turning the red jelly over and over in his hand, “I know,” he replied quietly, “So, you have to do something for me and I mean it Jay, no arguing with this.”

 

“You got it. What do you want me to do?” Jared asked, willing to agree to anything at this point.

 

Jensen, steeling himself, slowly slid his hand across the table, removed the gummy bear and entwined his fingers with Jared’s, “You gotta promise me, when we shoot this thing, you leave me alone. No chasing after me at the end of a scene. I don’t want you near me.”

 

Jared’s hand clenched tight, “What? No! This is gonna be hard enough, you can’t get expect me not to help!”

 

Jensen squeezed back, “That’s the only way I shoot this, Jared. I mean it. You keep away from me. I can’t do it any other way. You come near me and this, this thing we don’t want to look too close at? It’s gonna explode.”

 

“We’ll have to have this out sooner or later? It’s not something we’re hiding any more,” Jared countered, pulling his hand away.

 

“I know and we will, but not now. Not yet. Please Jared, just go along with this?”

 

And Jared could do nothing more than agree. Realistically, there wasn’t any other option. Things were changing for them but they couldn’t on camera. 

 

But the barriers that had held them stationary for so long were down and it would help draw them together and pull them apart just as quickly.

 

Present Day

 

Sandy sighed, “Season two! That long ago? I don’t get it Jared, why did you keep things going with me for so long?”

 

Collapsing back onto the deep pile carpet, Jared rubbed his eyes, shit he was tired, “Because although we had admitted there was something going on, we didn’t know what it was. Or rather we didn’t want to talk about what it meant. Sandy, we were two straight Texas boys in fuckin’ Hollywood! That’s not a conversation, which happens easily.”

 

“I guess not,” she conceded, “So, what happened you shot the finale and you kept to your word?”

 

“Yep, sat back and watched as Jensen went through the wringer. I was glad I had my eyes closed; don’t think I could have done it otherwise.”

 

“And after you wrapped?”

 

Jared squinted at her, dazzled by the overhead light, “What? You thinking we fell into each other arms? If only it had been that easy. Nope, the only way it was gonna go down was when one of us cracked. Funny thing was it wasn’t one of us; it was both.

 

“Sounds ominous.”

 

“Yeah,” Jared smiled fondly at the memory. If nothing else he would always recall that night with affection. And what a night it was, “you remember when we went back to Vancouver for the start of season three?” 

 

Sandy thought back, “Yes, it was a little while after we went to watch Jensen in his play. You were still bugged because your conversation that night was overheard by some fans.” 

 

How could Jared forget? Within 24 hours he had received a text from Chris, ‘Didn’t you know they were fuckin’ listening? It’s all over the bloody internet, you fuckwit!”

 

Jared had wisely not replied. Instead he had sulked and snapped a lot, especially at Sandy. 

 

He was still in a bad mood when Jensen joined them in Vancouver. Cranky and pig headed, Jared had insisted on driving to check out the location of an upcoming episode. It had been a cold day and with Sandy, who was staying over for a few weeks, choosing to stay behind, it left Jensen as co-pilot and on the receiving end of Jared’s ill temper.

 

“Well, it was that day before shooting started. When me and Jensen got stuck with a flat tyre in the middle of nowhere and that storm hit,” Jared, rolled onto his side to watch Sandy, all poise and calm even when he knew this was hurting.

 

“I remember,” Sandy shivered, “I was scared out of my mind that night when you didn’t arrive back on time. I couldn’t get you on your cell. I didn’t know exactly where you had gone, and now you’re telling me it’s because you and Jensen….that was the night?”

 

Jared nodded slowly this was when the lying had started. The lying to Sandy, to his family and friends.

 

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

  
Author's notes: Struggling To Breathe  


* * *

5 Years ago

 

They were lost. Jared glaring, angrily through the windscreen of his truck, knew Jensen was just itching to call him on it. “I know you bursting to say something, so come on let’s get it over with!”

 

Jensen scowled, “Dude, you are one bad tempered bitch! Whatever is bugging your ass, I wish you would get over it real quick!”

 

Jared ignored him. “So, you’re not gonna blame me for getting us lost?” he taunted, knowing he was pushing his luck and Jensen’s buttons, but he couldn’t seem to help himself. Chris’s text was still flashing in his mind, despite the fact he had deleted it days ago.

 

“What do you want me to say, huh? That we should have pulled into that farm yard 5 miles back and asked for directions? Or maybe it was before we even started out on this fiasco, when I asked you if you were sure you could read a bloody map?” Jensen snapped. If Jared was spoiling for a fight he was getting mighty close to having his wish granted.

 

“Well I guess you got to say it, happy now?” Jared just didn’t know when to shut up.

 

“Happy? Jared, in case you haven’t noticed we’ve been on the road for the best part of 7 hours. We didn’t find the location. We stopped for a very late lunch at some crappy diner, and the burger I ate is probably gonna make a return visit real soon. You’ve been the best friend from hell all day. It’s pouring with rain, blowing a gale and I’m fuckin’ tired! So yeah, I’m just full of the happiness!”

 

“Say it like you mean it Jenny.”

 

“And do not fuckin’ call me Jenny!”

 

Jared, pursed his lips, he knew he was being foul. Hell, he’d almost made Sandy cry the other day. “Okay, I’m sorry. Can you just have a look at the map again and see if it’s a left we take up here or if we go straight on?”

 

Snatching the map from the back seat, where Jared had thrown it earlier, Jensen made a big deal of smoothing out the creases. It was hopeless. And peering into the dimming daylight all he could make out were the shaking silhouettes of trees. There were no other cars on the road, and no houses or road markings, not even one damn sign that would point them back to civilisation.

 

Thoroughly dejected Jensen sighed, “I got nothing.”

 

“Fuck,” Jared slammed his hands on the steering wheel. Agitated he checked his mirror and pulled to side of the road. “Let me call Cliff and see if he can help.”

 

It was something they really should have done a lot earlier but there had been no reasoning with Jared. Cliff, their regular driver, had offered to take them today but Jared and his black mood had insisted he was more than capable. Hence they were lost and Jensen was pissed off. Pulling out his cell, Jared swore, “I don’t believe this, no bloody signal. Do you have yours with you?”

 

Jensen rolled his eyes and reached into his jacket pocket. “Yeah, I got a signal, hang on.” He punched in Cliff’s number and waited, but it didn’t connect. Taking it away from his ear, Jensen checked the signal again and redialled. Nothing. He shook it and dialled a third time. Zip. Peering at the rain, which had obscured the window when Jared had killed the engine, he frowned, “Guess this weather’s messing with the network.”

 

“Great.” Jared slumped back in his seat and reached to turn on the radio. At least they could check what the weather was up to. But all he got was the hissing snarl of static. 

 

Jensen arched an eyebrow. “That can’t be good.”

 

“You think!”

 

They sat in silence and Jared would happily have remained there all night if it were up to him. But Jensen had that hard look Dean favoured when he was doing his big brother act, so Jared reluctantly gunned the engine, setting off into who knew where with the windscreen wipers working overtime, to clear the large volume of water sheeting down. But the further they drove the worse the weather got. Jared looked anxiously in his mirrors, he couldn’t see a thing.

 

“Maybe we should look for somewhere to stop,” Jensen said. “Wait for this to ease off a bit.”

 

Jared nodded. It was getting too dangerous to keep driving, as the wind kept catching the side of the truck, making it difficult to hold a straight line, “Yeah, sounds like a plan.” 

 

Inching very slowly up the road he kept a watchful eye out for a place to pull up. And for once lady luck was smiling on them, as a narrow forest track appeared off to the left. Grinning at Jensen, Jared hauled the wheel and pulled the truck onto it. It was a bit tight but at least if anyone else was out this way they wouldn’t run into the back of them parked down here. Yet for each glimmer of good luck the bad stuff wasn’t far behind. They didn’t get far. With hard rain and a darkening sky, Jared failed to see a bunch of large stones. As they went over them the truck lurched violently to the right and the tyre gave out with a loud bang.

 

“What the fuck?” Jensen shouted, hanging on to his seat.

 

Although they were only crawling along, Jared stamped on the brake too hard and the truck slid manically along the muddy track. Fighting to gain control against a flat and thick mud, Jared ended up with his truck sideways and the back door wedged up against a tree. Groaning, he collapsed against the steering wheel. And now he had a nice dint in his truck. Perfect!

 

“You okay?” Jensen asked, looking around them to check where they had ended up.

 

“Just peachy,” Jared replied sarcastically. “Don’t suppose we could call a groundhog day?”

 

“What?” Jensen’s eyes bugged, “and do this shit all over again? No way man, I just wanna get home. Preferably in one piece.”

 

Jared glared at him. “Well, thanks for the vote of confidence!”

 

“Oh, don’t start again,” Jensen threw up his hands. “I swear if you give me any more attitude you are gonna be needing so much more than a new tyre.”

 

Irritated, Jensen unclipped his seat belt and opened the door. Rain hitting him the moment he did so.

 

“What?” Jared shouted, “Dude, where the hell are you going?” he leaned across the seat, leather squeaking.

 

“I’m going,” Jensen stuck his head back in, “to get the spare and the jack and then I’m gonna change your damned wheel so I can go home!”

 

“Jensen!” Jared called, as Jensen disappeared back into the rain. “Get your sorry ass back in here before you soddin’ drown.” 

 

Jensen’s reply was to pop the trunk and peel back the carpet, but it was quickly followed by, “Jared, get yourself out her now!” 

 

Rolling his eyes, Jared silently complied; slipping over in the mud on the way round. “What?” he brushed wet hair from his eyes.

 

“Where’s the spare?” Jensen asked, tapping fingers furiously on the side of truck.

 

Jared, peering into the trunk where the spare should be groaned, “I don’t…”

 

“Stop! Don’t say it,” Jensen interrupted. “Only you could end up miles from anywhere with no spare. Honestly, Jared this is so not cool.”

 

“Not cool,” Jared repeated, “not…” 

 

He’d had enough. Enough of his truck. Enough of this trip, the weather, of Christian fucking Kane and Jensen. Yeah, especially Jensen. I mean, it was too much. Here he was covered to his knees in mud, soaked to the skin and feeling like crap and then there was Jensen, who although equally as wet, managed to pull off the dishevelled look with magnificent and effortless ease. That right there, that was it for Jared and his long held controls snapped.

 

“Where do you get off?” he shoved Jensen. “Please tell me? Cos the rest of us - we’re not so perfect!”

 

Jensen caught by surprise stumbled. “What is your deal? And what makes you think you can push me around?”

 

Jared shrugged and slipped after him. “I’ve had to listen to you whine all day about how useless I am. How I should have done this and should have done that,” he gave Jensen another hard jab. “You know it must be so wonderful being as clever as you. Always right all of the time.”

 

Jensen was trapped against the side of the truck by this point and seriously looking as if he were going to land Jared a good punch. But instead he clenched his fists to his sides. “Are you gonna tell me what is all about or do I have to guess?” he seethed through gritted teeth.

 

Jared only a few inches away, stared at Jensen in contemplation for a long moment before he went with his heart and just let it all go. Leaning quickly in he smashed his mouth over Jensen’s - hard and angry. A brutal kiss full of the frustration and pent up tension, which had been building for months. It lasted mere seconds as Jared pulled sharply away looking shocked. “Shit, I didn’t mean to….Jensen I’m so sorry,” he stammered all fight draining out of him.

 

Head bowed, rain belting down on the back of his neck, Jared missed Jensen touch his lips and look curiously at him.

 

“Jared,” Jensen’s voice was quiet and barely audible over the storm. “Jared, look at me.”

 

Jared reluctantly obeyed, waiting for Jensen to lay into him. But nothing happened. Jensen just stood there regarding him with something unidentifiable in his eyes, something so intense it made Jared shiver. 

 

“Say something,” Jared smiled awkwardly. “Hit me, do something!”

 

Jensen shook his head, water spraying from flattened spikes. “No.”

 

“What?” Okay, not the answer Jared was expecting, and he frowned in surprise as Jensen reached up and touched his cheek. “Jensen?” Jared’s voice wavered.

 

Jensen didn’t reply, choosing instead to run his thumb slowly along Jared’s jaw line, making Jared tingle all over. They stood that way for ages, watching each other, poised on the brink of a moment that would change their lives forever. 

 

Time slowed and zeroed in on just the two of them, as Jensen reached his free hand around to tangle in Jared’s hair. He pulled gently, a teasing smile on his face, before carefully brushing a tentative kiss across Jared’s lips. Soft and sweet he repeated the action, once, twice, three times and Jared groaned low in his throat. It was perfect. 

 

It was Jensen. 

 

It was everything Jared had been wanting for a very long time. Too long. Wrapping his arms around Jensen’s waist Jared kissed him back, mouth searching, tasting, wanting. Jensen melted, drawing Jared into him, sweet and soft burning away to be replaced by sultry and dirty.

 

In the space of a few heartbeats it was over as suddenly as it had started. Jensen tensed and held Jared back. “Stop.”

 

“Huh?” Jared’s eloquent reply clouded by the feel of toned muscle flexing beneath wet fabric.

 

“I…we can’t do this,” Jensen gasped, still breathless. “You need to let go of me Jared.”

 

“What?” Jared staggered backwards.

 

Slouching against the truck, Jensen rubbed a hand across the back of his neck. The gesture was all Dean’s, but it had been his first.

 

“We, can’t, do, this,” Jensen repeated slowly. “I’m sorry, I know it’s been coming for a while but…Jared, this isn’t me. I’m not…I have a girlfriend and I really do like her.” Jensen looked anywhere than at Jared. ‘Think about it, man. I mean really think. We have the show. We play brothers. Shit, this is Hollywood, if this ever got out that would be it. You could kiss goodbye to any big screen dream.” 

 

Jensen risked looking at him. A solemn shadow in the gathering gloom. “We can’t Jared.”

 

It was crushing. Jared was back on planet earth with a resounding crash and worst of all he knew Jensen was right. This wasn’t them. It wasn’t who they were. And everything about the show and about getting other jobs after Supernatural finished was all true.

 

Taking Jared’s silence for agreement, Jensen cleared his throat and continued, “So, let’s put this down as a one off thing. Something we had to do to get it out of our systems. Okay? Jared?”

 

Nodding, “Okay,” he whispered.

 

“Good. Well, we won’t say anything else about it then,” without waiting for Jared to reply, Jensen got back in the truck and started messing around with his phone until he got help on the way to them.

 

Jared didn't move. He remained where he was standing out in the rain while Jensen waited in the truck. If he thought his heart was bleeding now he didn’t know the half of it. There was a whole lot more to follow as Jensen struggled to keep his distance and Jared refused to let him go.


	7. Chapter 7

  
Author's notes: If we only knew  


* * *

Present Day

 

Throat hoarse, Jared had finished recounting one of the happiest and most painful days of his life, and he couldn’t bring himself to look at Sandy. She was quiet and he knew she was disappointed. He had cheated on her, failed her and had continued to fail her for some time afterwards.

 

“Do…um…do you…are you okay?” he asked tentatively, despite knowing that she couldn’t be. “Sandy?”

 

“Look at me Jared.” Her voice held together by considerable determination. He had no choice but to do as she asked. He owed her that much. Moving slowly to delay the inevitable Jared sat up dishevelled in his rumpled suit, and faced her.

 

But people in Jared’s life continued to endlessly surprise him and Sandy was no exception. Instead of being met with condemnation and hurt betrayal, Jared saw only sympathy. A sympathy he didn’t feel he deserved. 

 

“Oh, Jared,” she sighed, fingers toying with the hem of her black velvet dress. “Jensen didn’t make it easy for you did he?” 

 

Jared shrugged, “It was never an affair. We never got into secret rendezvous’ and sleezy motels. Mostly it was stolen moments full of sadness and regret. That’s what makes this so hard.” He gestured around his room. “Everything we didn’t have. And now I get to carry on my life as if nothing happened, making movies and winning awards,” his eyes drifted to his Oscar, “and Jensen doesn’t,” he added quietly. 

 

Sandy leaned across and gently touched his arm, “But there were times when it worked. No matter how short they lasted,” she pointed out. “Jared, you can only feel this much pain because you had something. Wishful thinking doesn’t cause this much agony.”

 

Leaning his head on her shoulder, Jared nodded, “Yeah, I know.”

 

 

4 years ago

 

Jared didn’t see anything more of Jensen until they were back on set, as he remained elusive and un-contactable by phone or email. And when they finally did meet it was not as Jensen and Jared but as Dean and Sam. 

 

Jensen was in make-up being styled and groomed, brown leather jacket slung over his chair when he greeted Jared, who was running late. It was all Dean bravado and cocky smiles with no glimmer of what had transpired between them. Almost like the last week had simply been erased. Jared taken by surprise and feeling raw around the edges, fixed a steely smile on his face and played along.

 

With, seemingly, no other options available in the face of Jensen’s impenetrable walls, Jared got down to filming. And with the familiarity of being back together, the on and off screen magic with Jensen gradually continued like it always had. 

 

But there were a few differences brought about by season three, differences that would play a part in a significant development. 

 

For the first time they had additional characters to share part of the spotlight. Ruby and Bela were brought in to help ease the burden on Jared and Jensen’s intense filming schedule. For the writer’s it gave them considerably more freedom to develop Sam and Dean in the directions they needed to go. With Sam Winchester off doing his thing it meant Jared wasn’t on set with Jensen as he much as he used to be. With the underlying tension in their friendship bubbling beneath the surface this distance didn’t feel right. Then the worst thing happened - the writer’s strike, which threatened jobs and shortened the series to just 16 episodes. With so much doom hanging over the set what they did shoot lacked the same dynamic as previous years. It all felt flat, leading Jared to seriously wonder if they would be picked up for a fourth run. 

 

And Jared needed Supernatural to continue, because he’d invested heavily on it lasting the distance, forking out for a large house and garden. If he couldn’t live in his shiny palace of denial then he’d swap it for the real thing. During the long breaks Jared traded scripts for colour charts and fabric swatches. And with no Jensen in the picture either to lavish any affection on, Jared concentrated on Sandy.

 

It was hearts and flowers in full bloom. Romance and expensive presents. But with all this attention, Sandy devoted much more time with Jared in Vancouver, and this subsequently left even less time to spend in Jensen’s company. But nothing ever continues you like you expect it to, and it didn’t when Sandy went and landed a small part on the show. 

 

And that was probably the best thing that could have happened for Jared.

 

Because it made Jensen jealous.

 

When it came to shoot Jared and Sandy’s scenes, Jensen shouldn’t have been on set. How he actually came to be there, Jared never did find out. And really, it wasn’t as if Jensen had anything to be unduly concerned by. Jared was shooting Sandy in the head, not making out with her. But it was like her presence on Supernatural had crossed one of Jensen’s lines. Sandy had entered into his private little world and it didn’t rest easy with him.

 

Jared and Sandy had wrapped up their last shots, laughing because she’d decided to tough out the biting Vancouver weather between takes in a flimsy dress. Jared was in the process of bundling his shivering girlfriend into a big padded jacket, when they walked right into Jensen. By the stony look on his face, he wasn’t pleased to see them.

 

“Hey,” Jared ducked his head, hand tightening over Sandy’s shoulder.

 

Jensen nodded, “Hey yourself,” pointedly ignoring Jared’s girl.

 

“You okay?” Jared asked. “I didn’t think you were filming until this afternoon.”

 

Hands in jeans, Jensen frowned, “I’m not, but I wanted to run through a couple of script changes.”

 

“Right.” – bullshit, Jared thought. 

 

“I’d better…” Jensen jerked a thumb in the opposite direction.

 

“Yeah, sure catch you later,” Jared puzzled, watched him disappear from sight. Now that was odd and Jensen didn’t do odd; funny sure but never odd. Jensen was too controlled for that. Turning apologetically to Sandy, “Is it okay if I leave you to get changed and meet you by the car in a while? I’d better go see that he’s okay. Something’s got him uptight he’s not normally this rude.”

 

Sandy nodded concerned, she had always had a good relationship with Jensen and it was out of character for him too be so rude, “Sure,” she replied. “Maybe he’s had a fight with Daneel.”

 

Jared kissed he head softly and smiled, “Yeah, probably.” But he didn’t buy a word of it. He knew Jensen and this wasn’t about his girl. This was about Jared. 

 

Heading across the now darkened set he went hunting for his co-star. There were few places Jensen could have gone. The location for this scene was fairly remote and basically consisted of a couple of trucks for the camera gear, lighting and electrical equipment plus a wardrobe and make-up trailer. What crew were left were busy dismantling things and packing them away. But Jensen wasn’t with any of them. Walking as inconspicuously as possible by staying in the shadows, Jared found him at the front of one of the trucks parked on the edge of the shoot.

 

“Well, this is becoming a bit of a habit isn’t it,” Jared, gestured about him. “Hiding out in the middle of nowhere.” 

 

Jensen staring into open space shrugged, “I guess.”

 

“Wanna tell me what the attitude was all about?” Jared asked, moving to stand next to him. 

 

“Not really.”

 

It was like pulling teeth sometimes and Jared resisted the urge to sigh, as he watched and waited. In the dim light Jensen’s profile was stiff, face furrowed in thought. 

 

“I don’t know why I’m here,” Jensen began, voice softer than normal, “I…” he glanced at Jared. “Nothing’s changed. There is no way I’m getting into this. Professionally and personally it’s got disaster written all over it.”

 

Jared bowed his head. He knew this. As much as it hurt he knew all the reasons why not to.

 

“But knowing all that,” Jensen continued, “still doesn’t explain why I’m out in the middle of the night at a shoot where I’m not even needed.”

 

“Jensen…”

 

“No,” Jensen stepped away. “Don’t try and come up with reasonable explanations. We both know I’m not interested in the truth.”

 

Jared didn’t know how to answer that. Jensen’s appearance tonight had thrown him. Put him right back to the night they had kissed. Shit, he wasn’t going to keep reliving this, he couldn’t. This thing they had, combined with filming and keeping Sandy happy was exhausting him. “Then leave it alone Jensen.” 

 

Frustrated Jared ruffled his hair. “Let’s go back to wardrobe, pick up a lift and go home. We can meet up tomorrow, grab a few beers and bitch about the football.”

 

“Sounds easy,” Jensen sighed wistfully, turning back to face Jared; eyes belying it was anything but.

 

Oh, and he shouldn’t have done that. Jensen shouldn’t have looked at Jared with such intensity. Jared could loose himself in Jensen’s eyes. Their colour would shift so much with Jensen’s emotions and reveal everything about him. Disclose every secret this annoyingly complex and frighteningly beautiful man had to hide. And it was random times like this one where Jared thought Jensen shone. When his features were softened with affection and he wasn’t trying to be an actor, or a celebrity, an all too brief moment where he didn’t have the responsibility of being a boyfriend, son, or anything else. When he was simply being Jensen.

 

Jared’s pulse sped up and he knew they were on dangerous ground. This wasn’t only lust, want or need anymore. And it wasn’t just attraction, although that was part of it. This had depth. It was more than genuine feelings of brotherly affection. And it was all mirrored in Jensen’s eyes.

 

“And now you get it,” Jensen smiled with regret. “It took you long enough.”

 

“Yeah,” Jared’s throat ached. “How long…how long did you know?”

 

Jensen moved into Jared’s personal space, hands reaching up to touch his face, his arm and brush back a stray lock of hair. “A while. I suppose it was one of those nights I slept on your couch during season one. ”

 

Jared tilted his head, taking one of Jensen’s hands and holding it over his heart. “Back then?” he asked, incredulous, running his thumb lightly across the fleshy palm.

 

“Oh, I didn’t examine things too closely until you kissed me but…yeah, I knew I felt something more than what I was supposed to even then.”

 

“Would you ever have said anything?”

 

Jensen breathed deeply, “No. I would never have faced up to it, if you hadn’t you know…”

 

Jared’s face fell blinking hard, “So, it’s my fault. All this, I’m to blame.”

 

“There’s no blame Jared.” Jensen rubbed his hand over the rough fabric of Sam’s shirt, “but it can’t go anywhere. I…” he paused collecting his words. “I guess tonight I needed you to know. Know how I felt. You’re a first for me Jared in so many ways and I’ll always carry that with me no matter where I am or who I’m with.”

 

Jared’s stomach flipped as any remaining doubts and elephants were blasted into pieces. Eyes slipping closed he bent his head and kissed Jensen softly on the lips. Chaste and fleeting but loaded with meaning. 

 

“Remember though, this doesn’t change a thing,” Jensen murmured, as they broke apart.

 

Jared nodded, aching as Jensen stepped away and headed back into the night. 

 

 

Present Day

 

Jared held his breath as he watched Sandy process the information. Going to Jensen back then, while she had been only feet away, would undoubtedly break even her saintly patience and understanding.

 

“Sandy?”

 

Posture rigid, Sandy struggled to maintain her composure. She had moved on since their relationship, had a new man in her life, but this was Jared a man she thought had loved only her at the time. It was difficult, hearing that it wasn’t true. “How many other times, Jared,” she bristled. “How many of these supposedly ‘innocent moments’ did the pair of you indulge in?”

 

Jared winced, why had he believed she would understand? –‘Ha!’ his treacherous sub conscious mocked. ‘You knew she couldn’t. Don’t you see we got exactly what we wanted? You wanted her to hate you.”

 

“I don’t hate you Jared,” Sandy sighed, heading off yet another guilt trip, “When you told me nothing really happened, I didn’t realise you had gotten in so deep, at least not when we were together. So please, tell me, how many times?” 

 

“A few,” Jared muttered eyes fixed firmly on his feet. There was no way he could look her in the face. "It never developed into more. Not when I was with you at any rate.”

 

Sandy released the breath she’d been holding and pondered Jared’s admission. “The three of us were together so many times after that night. We went out to dinner, parties, and numerous conventions. Hell, I watched that bloody hug on Youtube! I thought it was so funny! And all that time you wanted him! ” 

 

“I know, I’m so sorry,” Jared muttered.

 

Yeah, the infamous hug. So innocently done, captured by dozens of cameras and broadcast to millions. 

 

Jared could offer no defence. What defence could there be? That hug was the beginning of a process that would see him develop a very bad habit - dropping huge shiny hints to the fans, that he and Jensen harboured a little more than mutual ‘admiration’ for each other. He knew it was like a release mechanism from all that frustration, letting out tiny bits of half truths, and surprisingly Jensen had let him get away with it. Jared supposed it was because in a world where hiding was expected, plausible deniability ruled.

 

But Christian Kane had much different views. Jared had received his text within 30 minutes of the ‘the hug’ going live. “JARED!! You need to stop. Take a long fuckin’ cold shower. Do anything but leave Jensen alone!!”

 

If Jared had been braver he might have risked calling Chris. He should have done. Because Chris hadn’t been entirely honest when he’d confronted Jared and the repercussions of his deception wouldn’t be revealed for another 3 years. By that time it would be much too late.


	8. Chapter 8

  
Author's notes: Making things harder  


* * *

Present Day

 

Jared knows he should be grateful that Sandy was willing to listen to him; to lighten the burden of guilt off his chest. But he feels cheated that she won’t stay to hear it all. He can’t blame her, the next peg on the map of Jared’s life is their very public split and Sandy doesn’t need to have that dredged up again. She also doesn’t want to hear how Jensen supported Jared. 

 

So he lets her leave with a regretful kiss to her pale cheek and the promise to call tomorrow. And he’s alone again. Alone with many more memories of Jensen and the snowball of events he kicked into motion. If he only he…Yeah, he’s been over ‘if he’ so many times and the outcome’s still the same. 

 

Pouring himself another drink. Water this time, as he can’t face the bitter taste of whiskey. He settles back on the plush sofa, head tilted back, eye’s closed, fitfully dozing because he’s remembering. Remembering those few brief moments when they lost track of the line in the sand.

 

3½ Years Ago

 

Jared had thrown himself body and heart into his relationship with Sandy after that night on set, sparing no effort to make her happy. On the outside they were the perfect Hollywood couple but on the inside Jared was bleeding, doing everything possible to hide his true feelings from the world and from himself.

 

He had plenty of time with the writers strike. It gave Jared an idea, which grew into a plan and developed into a proposal in Paris. The city of love was the only possible location for the woman he intended on sharing his life with. Violins and candlelight – it was perfect. A sugar laced fantasy of how romance should be. A fantasy, which creaked and wavered the second Jared called Jensen and told him his good news.

 

“Dude, have a guess where I am?” Jared babbled, feeling suddenly tongue tied.

 

Jensen, drowsy and in ill humour because Jared had forgotten the time difference yet again, grumbled, “Somewhere they don’t have fuckin’ clocks?”

 

Admiring the gorgeous view of the Eiffel Tower, from his hotel room’s balcony, Jared felt a twinge of guilt as his mind ran a quick calculation. “Oh, shit man it’s like the bloody middle of the night. Dude, you want me to call you later?”

 

“No, its okay, you’re obviously busting to tell me where you are… and…why didn’t you tell me where you were going before you went?” seriously sleep deprived, Jensen struggled to string a coherent sentence together.

 

Jared laughed, deliberately attempting to change the subject. “Man, you sound wasted! Heavy night?”

 

“Jared,” Jensen replied. “You didn’t ring to discuss if I had a good night. Now tell me, what’s bugging your ass so I can get back to sleep!”

 

“Oh, right,” and then Jared was struck dumb. He was going to tell Jensen. And how did he tell Jensen he was engaged? He felt ill, “Um…um…I’m in…um Pa…Paris. With Sandy.”

 

There was a long pause. Before Jensen croaked, “Paris, eh with Sandy. Guess that means you proposed then?”

 

Jared was suddenly burning up in the morning sunshine. “Yeah, yeah… I did. Jensen…”

 

“Don’t, please!” For the first time since this thing had started between them, it sounded like Jensen was begging; voice oddly low and thick. “ Congratulations, I hope you’ll be happy. I know you will be, Sandy’s a good woman.”

 

Silence. The air filled with everything that had always been unspoken. Hinted at sometimes and alluded to occasionally but never outright declared.

 

“Tell me I haven’t made a mistake?” Jared wavered, pinching the bridge of his nose as he slumped on the wrought iron rail.

 

All other times in the past Jensen had been the one who had seen the bigger picture. The one in charge of the brakes. The voice of reason. Today he couldn’t do it. “I can’t Jared,” he whispered. “I can’t,” and then he disconnected the phone.

 

Staring speechless at his cell, Jared couldn’t believe Jensen had rung off. And he’d rung off obviously upset. He couldn’t do that to him! Jared was trying to get on with his life and Sandy was his future just as Daneel looked like she might be Jensen’s. Why did Jensen have to keep bringing them back to the same point time and time again? But Jared’s frustration would have to wait, Sandy’s voice calling to let him know she was ready to go shopping for the ring, halting any further thoughts. 

 

 

**

 

With his wallet several thousand pounds lighter, Jared headed back home anxious about facing Jensen but content in the knowledge he had made Sandy happy. 

But love is a minefield of misunderstandings and arguments. And love also came with a lot of advice from a so called expert – Chad Michael Murray. 

 

“Wedded bliss? Jared, ‘bout time dude!” he crowed, delighted for his friend and at the same time concerned by Jared’s lack of enthusiasm. “But something’s a telling me the shiny polish of impeding nuptials is wearing a bit thin? Am I right?” Chad could be obnoxiously observant when he wanted to be.

 

Huddled over his beer, Jared sank further into his seat, “What? No. Me and Sandy we’re good.”

 

Chad scoffed and rolled his eyes, flicking a peanut in Jared’s face. “You are such a bad liar! Dude! Do not lie to a master in such things. I know you Padalecki and this here,” he gestured at Jared’s face. “This is not the picture of all things happy. Come on man, it’s me. Tell me what’s cooking in that head of yours.”

 

Jared threw him a dirty look as he took a swig of his drink, glancing furtively around the dimly lit bar. Chad had come up to visit Jared as soon as he got back, full of wisdom and the benefits of marital life. Snagging, Jared away from Sandy for the night the two of them headed to a bar on the outskirts of Vancouver. As it was a full week before filming recommenced, Jensen wasn’t with them as he hadn’t returned yet from the extended break, but it still didn’t stop Jared automatically checking for his co-star.

 

“J..a..r..e..d! Heeeelloooo, earth calling Jared!” Chad, flicked another peanut in his face. “Man, you are so not with me. Who the fuck are you expecting tonight? Some secret shag you been hiding away?”

 

Jared paled and he took a long swallow of his beer. “Don’t be stupid,” he laughed.

 

Chad stared, a broad grin forming. “Oh… my…fuckin’ hell Jared, that’s it isn’t it? You’ve got some bit on the side you’ve been banging!”

 

“No!” Jared shook his head in vehement denial. “No, way. I haven’t been banging anyone else.”

 

Chad studied him curiously, “Hmmm….maybe not but your sure are thinking about it.”

 

Jared’s mouth opened and closed a few times, before he gave up. 

 

Whistling low, Chad smiled. “Well, I don’t believe it. Padalecki you bloody dark horse. So, is she hot?”

 

Jared thought of sun kissed freckles and deep green eyes.

 

“Does she make you wanna give it all up for her?” Chad was on a roll now.

 

Jared couldn’t help but remember the aching heartbreak of whispered partings.

 

“Do you wanna be with her instead?”

 

And the elephants were back. Apparently, they had wandered in completely unnoticed and were now being herded under Jared’s nose by his dear friend Chad.

 

Because Chad’s question was a loaded one. As ‘want’ implied a whole range of things that started and ended with Jensen. And led directly to - what did Jared want? Did he want a full on relationship with Jensen? Was he gay? Jared hadn’t thought so but then having the ‘hots’ for his very obviously male co-star, kind of hinted that he was. Or was he just gay for Jensen? And, seriously, could he do the whole gay sex thing? With Jensen? It made Jared’s head hurt. He hadn’t thought that far ahead. But that only made him wonder why he hadn’t thought that far in front! Was it because Jensen had said they couldn’t get involved? Was it because he couldn’t face the gay angle? Oh, shit he was screwed. The flaming elephants were working overtime.

 

“Jared?” Chad kept calling his name. “Hey, man you okay? You came over all weird there for a moment, dude.”

 

“Fine. I’m fine,” Jared said thickly. He so wasn’t.

 

“Jared, you got it bad. You sure this chick’s worth it?”

 

“I dunno,” Jared buried his head in his hands. This wasn’t happening. Why did this …? It couldn’t ….not after he had got engaged to Sandy. He mustn’t break her heart.

 

Chad signalled for the waitress to bring them a couple more beers, “Shit. I didn’t bring you here for this. Jared what are you doin’?”

 

Jared shrugged.

 

“Does Jensen know?” 

 

“Um…”

 

Sighing, Chad slid Jared another beer across the table. “I’ll take that as a no.” He studied Jared for a few minutes before testing the water. “So you’ve not told Jensen?”

 

“No.”

 

There was another silence as Chad continued to watch Jared and the pile of elephants.

 

“You’ve really not told Jensen?” Chad repeated yet again.

 

“Fuck off Chad! No, I’ve not told bloody Jensen!”

 

“Why?”

 

“Why, what?”

 

“Why haven’t you told Jensen?” Chad asked, stacking the elephants in a corner.

 

“Because I haven’t. I don’t tell Jensen everything!”

 

And right there was the lie, Chad was waiting for, and in his world it all began to make sense. Jared told Jensen everything. So, that meant Jared’s little problem was all about Jensen. And if it were all about Jensen… “Dude, please tell me you do not have a thing for Jensen Ackles?”

 

“Huh?” Jared asked weakly.

 

“Oh, this is priceless. You are so gay!”

 

“Thanks, Chad.” Jared raised his beer in salute.

 

“No problem. But really, Ackles? I know he’s pretty but…” Chad wrinkled his nose. “Have you tapped his ass already?” 

 

“CHAD!”

 

Chad grinned unapologetically, “I gotta ask! Come on we’ve all seen Youtube! The fake fan stuff and the two of you all cute and cuddly.”

 

Jared stared at Chad wild eyed, spraying beer everywhere as he choked. “Cute and cuddly!”

 

“Padalecki, I’m taking this gay revelation stuff real well, so quit with the shocked and offended act. And cough up the good stuff!”

 

Wiping ineffectively, at his stained shirt, Jared groaned, “The good stuff?”

 

“Yeah, don’t be shy. Does he fuck like a rabbit?”

 

Jared downed his beer in one go and shouted for another. In a world where Chad Michael Murray knew he was harbouring a gay sex crisis, Jared was in trouble with a capital T.


	9. Chapter 9

  
Author's notes: Changing places  


* * *

3 years ago

 

When drinks with Chad ended it left Jared reeling, he had so many questions and too many doubts. Chad, helpful as ever, couldn’t stop ribbing Jared at how disappointed he was with him. “Jared, dude stop being such a girl! If you’ve gotta angst over Ackles at least let it be because you’ve been banging his ass every night!”

 

Jared burned pink with embarrassment. Whether he was feeling bashful over the thought of Chad thinking he’d had sex with Jensen, or if it was the thought of actually doing ‘the sex thing,’ with Jensen he wasn’t quite sure.

 

It added to the growing list of things that were bothering him. And one more of those, was letting Chad fly out of Vancouver armed with the deadly knowledge that Jared was hung up on his co-star. It wasn’t a great feeling. Rationally, Jared knew Chad was his friend and wouldn’t go out of his way to stir up trouble. But on the other hand, he knew Chad could loose sight of what he should or shouldn’t say. Then Jared’s big gay secret would be out; loud and proud. 

 

It was a disastrous cocktail of tension and questions that left Jared constantly fretting and worrying. Chad knew his secret. He was emotionally, if not physically cheating on Sandy. And Jensen… Well, if 'worser' was a real word, then Jared identified that’s exactly what his life got, when Jensen came back to set. 

 

Jared wasn’t interacting with Jensen at all, because Dean Winchester had taken up permanent residence inside his body. Jensen’s return to Vancouver, much to the director’s exclamations of inspired brilliance, had found him irritatingly always in character. Apparently, Jensen was getting an accurate feel for Dean’s impending trip to hell. But Jared knew differently. 

 

So, kept at arms length and unable to communicate with the one person he needed to, Jared was tetchy, quarrelsome and rude. Poor Sandy who took the brunt of it, bravely attempted to cheer him up by taking him out for dinner and buying him tickets to watch the basket ball. But it didn’t work and it all fell terribly flat. 

 

Luckily, Jensen’s resolve thawed after a couple of weeks; Jared’s miserable face speaking louder than anything he might actually have said. But the underlying current of strain still remained, as Jensen couldn’t help flinching if they accidentally touched. Jared hated it. This wasn’t who they were, they were loosing the magic. Their magic.

 

By the time it came to film the final scenes for season three, Jared was shattered. As he cradled Dean’s lifeless body in his arms, he didn’t need to fake his tears. Because he was loosing Jensen slowly but surely, and the distance between them tore him apart. 

 

With summer hiatus looming, the only solution Jared saw to his problem was a complete break with Sandy. It was a sad moment and it hurt because he still loved her. But it had to be done. He couldn’t get his head around his feelings for his co-star. 

 

Sadly, it wasn’t even a private break-up. Jared had a solo convention commitment and the eyes of hundreds of fans were all focused on him. It was an isolating time for a man who always had people around him.

 

Jared, directly before the first panel, was on the phone to Chad who still locked in LA. “Might not make a difference you know?” Chad’s words of wisdom whistled in his ear. “He still probably won’t want you anywhere near him.”

 

Jared sighing pondered his situation. “I know, but I can’t be with Sandy when I feel like this.”

 

“Yeah, but are you sure you wanna even consider this whole gay thing?” Jared could hear Chad making obscene gestures with his hands.

 

Cringing, “Can we not have this conversation again? I don’t have any answers at the moment, just loads of bloody questions.”

 

“Hmm,” Jared could hear the wheels in Chad’s head turning.

 

“Don’t go there,” Jared warned.

 

“But…”

 

“No, Chad.”

 

“A sex therapist, that’s all I was gonna say, honest,” Chad said quickly.

 

“Good one. I think that’s jumping the gun a bit,”

 

“Shit. Oh, well. I say just get stuck in and blow the guy already.”

 

“Chad!”

 

Okay, Okay. I’m only trying to lighten the mood. I’m only sorry I can’t be there with you, man but…”

 

“Don’t worry, I’m a big guy, I can tough out a convention on my own,” Jared replied, more hopeful than he felt, as he wriggled into a clean t-shirt.

 

“Has Christian been in touch recently?” Chad asked cautiously. 

 

Jared snorted, “What do you think? The man can’t leave anything alone. I swear he must be glued to the internet 24/7 to find things out about me so fast. ”

 

Chris’ text arriving literally within seconds of the first reports, “Padalecki don’t do this. I’m serious. This isn’t the way to go. Think of Jensen and not yourself for once.’

 

Jared couldn’t think of anything else. It was all he ever thought about these day’s, after all he lived and breathed Jensen 15 hours a day, nine months of the year! 

 

Chad, if he had been a braver man, might have warned Jared that this wasn’t exactly what Chris was driving it. Chad, however, wasn’t that brave. “Dude, are you even listening to a word I’m saying?” 

 

“Yeah, sorry.”

 

“Lame. Very lame Jared. So, I gotta ask and don’t be mad,” Jared groaned at Chad’s sing song tone, “you gonna make a play for him now you’re a single guy?”

 

Jared didn’t need to think about this one. “No.”

 

“Why not? Why… why…?” 

 

“Because.”

 

“Because? What kind of girlie fuckin’ answer is that Jared?”

 

“It’s the only one I’m gonna give,” and Jared cut Chad off mid expletive.

 

**

 

Jared actually had it easy with the fans. No one was disrespectful and there was a lot of genuine support. He was still getting over the standing ovation he’d received this morning when a further surprise hit. 

 

Jensen phoned.

 

Pulling his thoughts together, which had scrambled the minute Jared heard his voice, he smiled, “It’s good to hear from you.”

 

He could feel Jensen’s blush through the hum of static. “Well, gotta show my support for a buddy,” Jensen replied. “I’m sorry. Sorry you and Sandy didn’t work out.”

 

“Thanks,” Jared sighed, sitting on the edge of his bed. He’d been thinking of snatching a quick nap before going down to face the next panel but suddenly he didn’t feel so tired.

 

“How is it? You okay? Is anyone giving you a hard time?” Jensen rattled questions off in rapid succession.

 

“It’s alright. Everyone’s being really nice,” Jared needed a sticker on his head labelled fraud. He was upset but he wasn’t heartbroken.

 

“Shit! I wish I could be there,” Jensen sounded frustrated. He had film commitments, and besides Jared knew if rushed to stand by him…well, there would bound to be talk.

 

“Don’t sweat it. I’m fine!” 

 

“No, you’re not,” Jensen sounded worried. “Look I can’t be there but I’ll send something to cheer you up. I…” There was a pause while a faint voice murmured to Jensen, “Shit, I’m needed back on set. I’ll call you again soon. You take it easy okay?”

 

“Okay,” Jared smiled. “You can forget about sending flowers, ‘cause honestly they give me hayfever!”

 

Jensen chuckled. “Think a gift basket of gummy bears might alleviate your pain better. Listen, I gotta go. Later, okay.” 

 

As Jensen rang off, Jared collapsed back on his bed. Head pounding he felt like shit. It was the best he’d felt in weeks.

 

Sure enough, Jensen’s gift turned up by the next day. There was, as promised, a jumbo packet of gummy bears but they were carried to Jared in the hands of Jensen’s parents. It was such a touching gesture; a heart warming and wonderful surprise that left him speechless. Jared was thoroughly spoilt, as he was taken out to dinner and fed comforting words and sympathetic hugs. He understood the message that Jensen sent - Jared mattered. He was cared for. He was family.

 

The convention passed and the weeks rolled by while Jared fulfilled his numerous obligations, but eventually, in Vancouver airport, a month before Supernatural’s fourth season was due to begin, Jared and Jensen finally caught up with each other. Jared, waiting for Jensen’s plane to land was mulling over being back. The familiarity of the city was nice but he was finding his home without Sandy lonely. Even with his dogs for company it felt empty. His house was so used to being filled with laughter it felt like he was a stranger in his own home.

 

“Penny for them?” Jensen’s warm voice broke Jared’s thoughts.

 

“Jensen!” With no consideration for their public location, Jared threw his arms around Jensen’s shoulders and drew him into a hug. The relief of burying his head into soft spikes and breathing in Jensen’s aftershave making his stomach knot. “Man, you look good,” Jared grinned.

 

Jensen blushed and for once didn’t furtively check out who might be watching them. “You too, man.”

 

Making small talk as they picked up Jensen’s bags and headed for Jared’s truck. “You wanna go drop your stuff off first and then get a bite to eat?” Jared asked.

 

Jensen shades firmly in place, chucked his bag in the back and sighed, “First stop a hotel, I didn’t make a reservation before I got on the plane.”

 

Jared’s head snapped around as he slid in to the driver seat, “What? But you stay…” 

 

“Not anymore. The apartments up for sale, and I’ve got to get all my stuff out by the end of the week.” Jensen shrugged, “Could have done without the hassle this close to starting back, but what can I do.”

 

Jared, gunning the engine and pulling into traffic frowned, as gave careful consideration to his next words for all of a second. “Move in with me.”

 

Eyes firmly on the road, Jared could feel Jensen’s stare burning the side of his face.

 

“I mean it,” Jared cleared his throat, which was suddenly and inexplicably really dry. “I’ve got stacks of room. Sandy’s not there…I mean there’s the dogs, but you love them. So how about it? It’s not like we don’t get on.”

 

“Jared, I appreciate the gesture but…living with you?” Jensen’s voice was anything but steady.

 

Jared tensed. Traffic was particularly heavy for so late on a Monday evening, and it gave him an excellent excuse to concentrate on his driving. 

 

“Pull over,” Jensen muttered.

 

“What? Now?”

 

“Jared, just pull the fuck up!”

 

Wanting to argue but not daring to, Jared indicated at the next left, drove down a side street and parked up. “We doing this here?” he asked, glancing at the twitching curtains.

 

Jensen nodded, "Apparently we are." He sounded pissed. “How can I move in with you with after everything that’s gone between us? Do you think I’m suddenly going to change my mind?”

 

“Nope,” Jared shook his head. “Didn’t even think about it when I asked you.”

 

He glanced at Jensen who was shaking his head incredulous. “You never do and that’s part of the problem,” he raised his eyes to meet Jared’s. “You act on impulse. It doesn’t matter to you if something’s right or wrong. I know the world isn’t black and white Jared, but you seem to think its okay living only in the grey area in between. As actors we don’t have that luxury. Our lives are in the media spotlight what we do gets noticed!”

 

“Notice what? Jared banged his hands on the wheel frustrated. “What would change between us, other than sharing the same roof? We’ve never had to worry that much or censor ourselves before. Nothing, nothing has to change!”

 

“So, you don’t think…”

 

“Come on, Jensen for once be brave enough to finish the damned sentence. Say it dude!”

 

Jensen pulled off his shades and squinted as the sun filtered through the windscreen. “Are you saying you can act completely normal around me Jared? That we can share a house? No, seriously,” he motioned with his hand. “No, funny shit going on. Just us being ordinary buds. Boring old Jared and Jensen?”

 

Jared crossed his fingers, hoping he would get away with his small white lie. Now that it was a genuine possibility he wanted this. He needed Jensen, at the very least, in his home.

 

“Yeah, I think I can promise to keep my hands to myself. I know you’re hot Jensen but you’re not that fuckin’ irresistible!”

 

Rubbing the back of his neck and still unsure as to Jared’s motives, Jensen was weighing up the pros and cons. “How about a compromise?” he suggested.

 

“Go on.”

 

“How about I store a few things at your place and stop over for a week or two until I get something more permanent.”

 

“Whatever,” Jared smiled reasonably. “Seriously, the balls in your court. Besides,” face wistful, “I’d be glad of the company now Sandy’s moved out.”

 

Jensen flushed, “Dude, I’m sorry. I kinda forgot. Some friend I am, huh?”

 

Jared started the truck again. “Don’t sweat it. Come on lets get over to my place.”

 

Unsurprisingly the arrangement worked well. Jensen fitted into Jared’s house like he had fitted into his life, easily and with no fuss. What was only supposed to be a few weeks came rapidly to an end when Jared, moaning about the number of boxes Jensen kept rummaging through to find anything, told him bluntly. “Unpack will you. We both know you love it here. Quit being so fuckin’ stubborn!”

 

Jensen had unpacked the next day, a broad sheepish smile fixed on his face.

 

If there was a yard stick for domestic bliss then Jared and Jensen were it. They chilled out, played games, watched the footie, drank too much beer and made each other laugh. Life was better than good, it was very nearly perfect.

 

So perfect that it was perhaps unfortunate that two seemingly innocent comments, spoken at roughly the same time, rocked the boat and sent elephants stampeding through Jared’s home.

 

Jared had to plead guilty for the first incident and honestly - he had no excuses. Feeling the bliss, as Chad termed it, with great delight he revealed to Buddy TV, who were interviewing the cast that week that he and Jensen were living together. Worse, he went so far as to jokingly reveal Jensen’s gay crush on him.

 

The fans exploded. 

 

Polls were hastily posted calling for votes if Jared and Jensen were secretly dating and how long were they going to wait before publicly announcing they were a couple. There was even talk of marriage! Jensen’s eyes nearly fell out of his head. “Fuck, Jared you’ve created a monster! What in the world were you thinking?”

 

While Jensen was busy having a melt down, Chad Michael Murray was at an LA party merrily forgetting his lips were sealed. In his defence, how was he to know one tiny, weenie comment would be picked up? Sadly, blaming it on ignorance didn’t do him any good. Jared was adamant he was going to kill him. “You said what? To him!” Jared hissed into his cell, quickly closing his bedroom door so Jensen wouldn’t hear.

 

“Umm…Honestly, I only said Jared’s got a real life big gay secret. How was I to know Kane would believe me?”

 

“Maybe,” Jared seethed, “because I told you he’s been on my case about Jensen for the last 2 fuckin’ years!

 

“Well, if you weren’t such a blabber mouth he wouldn’t have so much ammunition!” Chad shouted back defiantly.

 

Jared’s mouth snapped shut. He had no answer to that. Kane was going to skin him alive.

 

“Ha!” Chad crowed, “Gotcha! Man, I have done you a favour!”

 

“A favour? Chad are you insane? In what possible way is this doing me a favour?”

 

“It’s easy if you think about it.” Chad was as unapologetic as always. “It's better it gets brought into the open now. You know, get Jensen talkin’ and all that, then you can either go your separate ways or fuck like bunnies!”

 

Jared felt an elephant break down the door. It wasn’t an elephant. It was Jensen. “I gotta go,” Jared shut his phone off.

 

Silently they faced each other. Jared – standing awkwardly in the middle of his bedroom unsure what to do with his hands and Jensen - hovering on the threshold. The irony wasn’t lost on Jared. Wasn’t this where they always were?

 

“Chad.” Jared waved his cell by way of explanation.

 

Jensen nodded.

 

“Well, guess I screwed up.” He tossed his phone on the bed, “I didn’t think.”

 

“And we’ve had that conversation before,” Jensen replied pointedly. “Jared you’ve opened up a whole load of shit we could have done without.”

 

“I know,” Jared admitted quietly. “Like always, huh?”

 

With a rueful smile, Jensen pulled himself off the doorframe and ventured into Jared’s bedroom. “I’ve had Chris on the phone as well.”

 

Jared froze. Oh, no! He hadn’t received a single text from the man and that wasn’t like Chris. He enough fire power to assassinate Jared with now. Swallowing the lump in his throat, Jared shuffled his feet. “I’m in the shit again aren’t I?”

 

Jensen didn’t reply until he was directly in front of Jared. “Do you even know what you want?” he asked eventually, indicating to Jared’s room.

 

“Umm…not exactly,” Jared stammered, trying to read Jensen and totally failing. With his face hidden in the shadows cast by the late afternoon sun, Jensen’s eyes were dark and inky.

 

“No exactly?” Jensen repeated. He was so close, Jared could feel the heat from his body trickling over his skin.

 

“I…I’ve been…um…thinking but I’m not sure yet. Me and Sandy,” Jared shrugged his shoulder, “we broke up and I haven’t figured it all out yet.”

 

“When you do get your head straight, let me know,” Jensen replied softly. “We’ve danced around this for long enough. We need to knock this sucker on the head once and for all.” 

 

Jared’s mouth fell open. “Do what?”

 

Jensen leaned closer to whisper, lips grazing Jared’s ear, voice low and smoky. “We’ve tried everything else. Played by the rules and held back. Now,” he moved Jared’s hair gently off his neck, fingers tracing sensuous patterns, “Now we face this head on and just get it out of our systems. One night,” he said breathlessly. “One night and that’s it.”

 

All of Jared’s blood rushed south. “One night,” he repeated pulse hammering as he turned his head until he was so close he could count each individual freckle.

 

Jensen nodded. “When and if you decide what you want. One night and that’s it.”

 

“That’s all I… all we can have?”

 

Jensen backed away, perfect features schooled in stony resolve. “One night,” he echoed and without a further word he walked away as swiftly as he had come.

 

And fuck like rabbits didn’t seem that far away.


	10. Chapter 10

  
Author's notes: When the truth is just another lie  


* * *

3 Years Ago

 

It had been five days since Jensen had made his offer to Jared. Five very long days and Jared had spent each of one of them, over analysing the idea of having Jensen for one night. 

 

On the sixth day he gave up and rang Chad.

 

Chad howled with laughter. “Dude, you have him by the balls!”

 

Jared so didn’t need to hear that.

 

“I mean golden opportunity or what!” Chad continued, completely oblivious to Jared’s silence, “you can fuck li….”

 

“If you say fuck like rabbits, I swear I’m gonna get on the next plane and come beat your ass!” Jared fumed.

 

Okay, so it was Chad’s favourite comment, but he had others, he could be inventive. “Spoilsport,” he grumbled. “Besides it’s not my ass you wanna be beating. Just think of it Jared, you can get all that gay sex business out you system. I dunno if Ackles has been with a guy before but he’s dated an awful lot, bet he’s picked up a few tricks along the way.”

 

“Chad, can we not get into this, please.” Jared begged as he was beleaguered by spinning visuals in his head. Full colour poster size visuals complete with big bold captions.

 

“Why the fuck did you call me then?” Chad demanded, confused.

 

“Not for bloody sex tips, that’s for sure,” Jared’s reply came with a picture of Jensen on his knees wearing nothing but a smile.

 

“Huh??”

 

Sighing, Jared chewed his lip and admitted. “It’s this one night business.”

 

“Yeah, so what?” 

 

“One night and that’s it,” Jared repeated, it was like trying to explain Einstein’s theory of relativity to Sadie.

 

“One night?” Chad repeated. “Oh, gotcha. You mean one night. Why didn’t you say so?”

 

Jared banged his head on the wall and indulged in a gorgeous image of Jensen lying naked on his bed.

 

“Jared, you are such fuckin’ hard work sometimes!” Chad complained. “What do you want his hand in marriage? Gonna invite Kane over to be bridesmaid? Get with the programme, Jensen knows this is dead end stuff. You’re not gonna run off into the sunset together. Better to have one really good night fuckin’ and then move on. I hate to say it but Ackles has this one right.”

 

Jared stared at his cell phone speechless. Chad had hit every nail on the head. 

 

“I gotta go,” he stammered.

 

“Jared? What? Oh, no please don’t tell me this is what you’ve been brooding over?”

 

Jared had been hiding behind the elephants again. He’d been mulling over Jensen’s offer without acknowledging the real problem. Now, Chad had kindly shoved it under his nose, Jared couldn’t deny it.

 

“Padalecki, he’s turned you into a damn girl! This isn’t a Mills and Boon novel. How you gonna pick up work and be that A list star you keep telling me you wanna be? Do you think you can do that with Jensen on your arm?”

 

“I don’t know what I’m thinking,” Jared protested. “That’s just it. I don’t see how we can have one night and then forget about it. I can’t turn it on and off like that. And I know it would be difficult to make it big, if it got out I was with him. I know all that…”

 

“But you still want him,” Chad filled in the blanks. “Jared, you need to decide if this is who you wanna be. I know you guys can be real adults when you need to, but this thing of yours will change everything. Are you sure that you wanna gamble what you already have for the sake of that?”

 

“Of all the times you pick to be a grown up!” Jared grumbled.

 

“Yeah, well,” Chad didn’t even attempt laughing it away. “I’m beginning to think you have way more invested in this than just a quick fuck.”

 

It was ironic that as Jared had the opportunity of being with Jensen he hesitated. Chad’s words, coupled with his own fears, were weighing heavily on his mind. So instead of accepting Jensen’s offer Jared waited. And when those days turned into weeks Jared began to relax and once again enjoy the camaraderie that he’d always had with Jensen. 

 

It was refreshing, like starting out anew. The ratings for season four were fantastic and they were both enjoying the different developments in their characters. It was going great and during this season they also found it wasn’t such an issue that they weren’t always on set together, because they would always meet up at home. That’s what Jared’s house had become – a home. For both of them. They created a home where they could curl up on the couch and watch TV together; unconsciously moving closer throughout the night. They had well rehearsed routines - mornings were Jared’s where he would take Jensen a cup of coffee in bed and evenings, which belonged to Jensen, who would call into the local shop and pick up Jared’s favourite brand of gummy bears.

 

And if Jensen had been withdrawn and nervous in the beginning, as he wondered if and when Jared was going to accept his offer, it didn’t last. For a time it seemed that the undertones of their relationship had indeed melted away. Jared further indicating their moment had passed and he was no longer interested, by going on a few dates with Genevieve. Dating her more and agonising over Jensen less.

 

Sadly, bad news always brings people together and when the worst news possible about Kim Manners broke, they soon realised that the bar on their relationship had been slowly climbing for many months instead of declining.

 

They finally broke one cold February morning, as Jared was winding up a work out in his basement gym. He was tired and hot, thinking of how Supernatural would never be the same again when Jensen came down the stairs. Jensen was most unusually dressed and ready for work in comfy faded blue jeans and a chocolate brown shirt. Jared’s eyebrows shot up when he saw him. Jensen hated getting up and Jared could think of only one time, when he had been ready this early before and that was when they’d held a party and Mike had snuck into to Jensen’s bedroom and messed with his alarm clock. Picking up his watch from a bench in the corner, Jared checked the time, 6.30 am.

 

“What’s with you,” he asked, wiping a towel over his face.

 

Jensen shrugged, “Couldn’t sleep,” he sat down on the bench, eyes fixed on his battered leather boots, “hope you don’t mind me interrupting your workout?”

 

Jared threw a towel over his shoulder. “Of course not. Hey, are you okay?”

 

Jensen took a deep breath and looked up. “Yeah, I’m just tired. You know how it is,” he added lamely.

 

Jared did know he hadn’t slept well either the last few days. Sitting next to Jensen, he nudged his arm. “Not easy is it?”

 

“Nope,” Jensen said tilting his head towards Jared. “Never is.”

 

Anxiously, Jared scratched his chin. “You think the show will survive?”

 

“Yeah, I do. We have to make it work. We have to, you know.” Jensen’s voice was quiet and thoughtful. “Besides, we have each other and that helps.”

 

Each other was a comforting thought. It was more than most people had. It brought a tightness to Jared’s chest he suddenly didn’t want to examine too closely.

 

“Hey, you could come and do a workout yourself or better still,” Jared joked trying to lift the oppressive mood and head of feelings they would be better off ignoring, “cook breakfast.”

 

Jensen fought against a smile as Jared began checking off his fantasy breakfast. “I could go a nice bit of bacon, eggs, toast…”

 

“How about I just fry up a plate of gummy bears?” Jensen suggested his face brightening at the thought.

 

“Dude, do not think of harming the bears!” Jared looked horrified. “If I catch you melting any of the little guys, I’ll be forced to kick your scrawny ass!”

 

Jensen’s eyes narrowed. “Scrawny? I may not be built like He-Man but I can still take you Padalecki!”

 

They both knew Jensen could hold his own during a fight and on more than one occasion it was Jensen who was left standing at the end of one of their playful scuffles. 

 

This was the easy going playfulness that Jared had missed in their relationship and they sat for a few minutes making small talk, before Jensen dragged himself back to his feet. “I’m gonna go and let you finish up.”

 

“I’m done anyway.” Jared shrugged. “I need to get showered before the car’s here.” 

 

Laughing and joking Jensen waited while Jared put his weights back and wiped off the equipment and together they headed up the stairs. 

 

The steps up from Jared’s gym weren’t steep but they were tucked in the corner of the basement without any natural light. Jared had been meaning to replace the light bulb, which had popped a couple of days ago, but as he hadn’t been down here at night, it had slipped his memory. Continuing their conversation, with Jensen turning back to look down at Jared rather more than looking forwards, to where he was going. Until about half way up, when Jensen let out a startled exclamation, as he missed his step and slipped. 

 

It could have been a nasty accident if he’d fallen to the bottom, but luckily Jared caught his arms and hoisted Jensen to his feet. With Jared supporting Jensen, allowing him time to regain his balance, he failed initially to notice that Jensen hadn’t moved, and simply stood rigid in his arms. When it did finally dawn on him, Jared raised puzzled eyes and saw the look on Jensen’s face. Jared’s stomach dropped clean away as his heart skipped furiously. 

 

Flushed from his near tumble and at eye level with Jared, thanks to him being on the step above, Jared found that Jensen was incredibly close to him. Very close in fact, and with his hands braced against Jared’s chest, as he’d automatically reached forward when Jared had scooped him up.

 

Jared’s mouth dried up and there was a roaring in his ears, as his world narrowed down to a single focus of firm toned biceps taught within his grasp, scorching hands burning through the thin vest top and smouldering jade eyes locked onto his own. 

 

Words were failing Jared but emotions weren’t. Tumbling and jumbling together it tasted to Jared like a heady intoxicating mix of friendship, appreciation, lust and that long evaded recognition of - love.

 

Jared saw and felt it all. It was overwhelming. 

 

But what Jared saw wasn’t what was reflected back in Jensen’s eyes. What he saw was fear. Stark and raw it was etched deep, brought to the surface only by his unexpected slip and Jared’s proximity. 

 

“Jensen? Jared stammered uncertainly.

 

Unable to break away as Jared held on tighter, Jensen was forced to remain still. 

 

“Don’t.” Jensen’s voice crackled roughly. “Don’t, say anything.” He clenched his fists in Jared’s top, pulling him into a fierce and hungry kiss.

 

It was a match thrown at kindling. Snapping and flickering flames igniting as Jensen held nothing back. Restraint evaporating with need and want, as Jared moaned and moved an arm across his back, holding him closer. Tighter and faster, rubbing and touching they moved with each other; hands pulling at clothes, nails tearing at skin. Moulded together in a hot and sweaty embrace. Jared’s brain misfiring as Jensen’s tongue sought his own, their kiss growing deeper, nothing chaste this time. It was dirty, wet and rough. It was everything and more. Everything…and an alarm bell went of in Jared’s head.

 

Jared suddenly broke away panting. “You lied!” he gasped astonished. “You came to me and said I could have you but it could only be for one night. That wasn’t what you wanted at all! You wanted more.”

 

Jensen dropped his eyes shivering, but he didn’t reply.

 

“Why?” Jared demanded and he could feel anger rising. “Why, Jensen? Did you think you could keep it a secret from me? Or did you think the novelty would wear off, so you didn’t put your neck on the line and ask for what you really wanted?”

 

Visibly reconstructing his careful shield, Jensen frowned. “Why do you think? I’ve had Christian breathing down my neck for so fuckin’ long about this and here you were like an overgrown puppy thinking it would all sort its self out.”

 

Jared feeling hurt by Jensen’s stinging words suddenly let go. “I’ve had a lot to think about. Falling for you wasn’t part of the plan. I had Sandy and my career mapped out.”

 

“And that’s why it had to be a one night deal,” Jensen replied, wincing at the dull ache in his back as he landed awkwardly. “We both know there are other things we want. I’ve got Danneel to think about and now you’re dating again. We can’t have everything Jared.”

 

“But you want it!” Jared replied accusingly, not moving to help Jensen up. “I’ve been so confused and all this time you were lying. I didn’t know if I could do this whole gay thing and now I find out you were more than up for it!”

 

Jared was on a role. Suddenly, he was feeling cheated. He’d been agonising about what to do; risk their friendship for the sake of one night and all this time Jensen had wanted it all along. He’d wanted forever. Ignoring the fact that this was what he had been moving towards for so long, Jared stared down at Jensen with loathing.

 

“You know, you were right,” Jared nodded. “This isn’t us. This isn’t who we are!”

 

Jensen blinked slowly in disbelief. “No, it isn’t but it’s who we’ve become.”

 

“For you, yeah,” Jared stepped over Jensen. “But not me. I’ve made a decision alright and it’s not you. I don’t want you Jensen, not in this way. I like you but that’s it. You want something we can never have and while one night with you would undoubtedly have been seriously hot, I don’t want more. I won’t lead you on by letting you think it could be.”

 

Unable to think clearly, Jared stormed out of the basement and headed upstairs to take a shower. With the water pounding against his skull, Jared sagged against the wall, breathing heavily. He couldn’t believe he had done that. Hurt Jensen so much. Worse he didn’t know why. When Jensen had been in his arms, Jared had known that this was it. This was who he wanted. 

 

And he realised, fuckin' Christian Kane had known Jensen’s secret all along. He had known Jensen was fighting against the same demons facing Jared. And now…Jared had thrown it all away.

 

With his head bowed low, Jared wasn’t sure if it was the steam, which obscured his vision or the tears he refused to spill.


	11. Chapter 11

  
Author's notes: A slow burning fire  


* * *

Present Day

 

Jared’s tears, which he had denied to shed three years ago, now fell. And they kept falling because Jared had no idea of how to stop them. He cried for the irreparable hurt he had caused Jensen and he cried for the shame he had brought on himself. 

 

And the thing Jared hated himself for most was it hadn’t ended that night on the stairs, because he wouldn’t let it. He wouldn’t walk away. He couldn’t let Jensen go. 

 

And, Jensen stuck between what he wanted and who he wanted it with, got caught in the middle. And he paid for it.

 

Wiping bitterly at his face, Jared struggled to pull himself together. There wasn’t enough forgiveness in the world that could absolve his sins.

 

 

2½ Years Ago

 

Jared never asked why Jensen had stayed at the house after his outburst. He didn’t even question how Jensen managed to talk to him as if it had never happened. 

 

But Jared knew it had happened. He remembered because he couldn’t forget. 

 

It was in his mind all the time - Jensen’s mouth upon his own, each time he kissed Genevieve. And when he was in character as Sam holding Dean, he was thinking of how he had touched Jensen; muscles flexing hungrily at his touch. 

 

It was driving him insane. He wanted it so badly and at the same time he didn’t. 

 

Occasionally, Jared would turn and catch Jensen eye and he would see a brief flicker of... disappointment, regret, or love maybe? Jared wasn’t sure, because he didn’t try too hard to identify it.

 

But he couldn’t drop it. He couldn’t leave Jensen to get on with his life. 

 

Season four became a game of cat and mouse. On screen separation reflected back in their own lives. And as Jensen constantly delivered emotional scene after emotional scene, hurting and breaking in shot after shot, Jared watched it all from the side lines. Castiel gradually filling the hole left by Sam’s continued defiance.

 

While in their downtime, Jensen was spending more time with Daneel. Everywhere he went she was photographed on his arm and Jared seethed internally. In retaliation he went out with Genevieve, appearing at public events and functions. Flaunting her to hurt Jensen more. It was getting out of hand, and becoming more obvious there was something going on. Jared was caught on film wearing Jensen’s grey jumper and just days later Jensen was captured wearing Jared’s sunglasses. An untrained eye might have missed it but the fans didn’t. Except the fans didn’t know it had all come unravelled, and this was their subtle, if public act of slinging mud at each other. 

 

And when the summer break arrived it was a great relief when Jensen flew back to LA. 

 

At last Jared could breathe and for a few short months he could forget.

 

He didn’t call Jensen and he didn’t text him. 

 

They were done. 

 

Over. 

 

Finished.

 

Chilling out, relaxing with Genevieve and the dogs he hadn’t had it this good in ages. Not since that first year with Sandy. In his head he’d gone back to a time when his life was simpler. Where there were no ugly questions about his sexuality to agonise over, and he enjoyed the soft warm feel of a woman’s body against his own. He was back to the point where there was no Jensen to think of. 

 

It felt final. 

 

It felt like he could move on but of course he didn’t.

 

All Jared was effectively achieving was sticking his head in the sand and burying his heartache beneath flimsy excuses and lots of sex. 

 

It would need a catalyst to pull him back to the present and make him realise it was still all about Jensen. 

 

When that happened it shocked the hell out of Jared. Of all of the people who might have had a quiet word it was Misha Collins, a man he hadn’t had a whole lot to do with, being as he was predominantly on set with Jensen. 

 

And it wasn’t an accidental meeting of two colleagues either. 

 

Misha came to his house.

 

Opening his door to the sunny faced angel, dressed in jeans and casual jacket had Jared’s eyes blinking in disbelief. “Erm….”

 

Misha laughed and leaned in whispering, “I think this is where you either invite me in or tell me to get lost.” 

 

“Yeah, um….come in,” Jared stepped aside and watched as Misha headed purposefully towards the kitchen at the rear of his house.

 

“You wanna drink?” Jared took two beers from the refrigerator and offered one to Misha who was petting two instantly besotted dogs.

 

“Dude, I don’t mean to be rude but I don’t think you came here to see my dogs?” Jared slid onto a chair bemused.

 

“And why do you think I’m here Jared?”

 

“Honestly,” Jared shrugged, privately thinking Misha was taking on this whole angel character a bit too much. “I have no idea. Its not me you spend most time on set with….”

 

Misha turned as Jared’s voice trailed off, deep blue eyes burning into his head. “I came,” Misha replied, with deliberate care. “To see if you really are the dick you’ve been trying so hard to be.”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“No, I don’t think will.” 

 

“What the fu….”

 

“No, Jared,” he interrupted firmly. “You’ve had long enough. I don’t know what’s been going on, and I don’t want or need to know. But I’ve seen enough. Whatever it is can’t you fix it? You’ve been good friends with Jensen for such a long while and I know it’s what’s defined the show. Don’t throw it all away.”

 

Jared sat needle straight, he didn’t want to listen to this. He didn’t need reminders, and certainly none from a man he barely knew. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Me and Jensen are fine.”

 

“Yeah, I can see that!” Misha’s eyes were fixed on Jared’s hands, strangling the life out of his beer bottle. “I’m not telling you what to do Jared. I just think,” he paused, thinking of all the scenes where Dean had fallen apart. “You’ve had cross words or something and Jensen relives them every single day. Can’t you find it in your heart to forgive him?”

 

Jared stared astonished. Misha wasn’t outright telling him he had guessed at the depth of his and Jensen’s relationship but he was hinting at it? No one else on set had ever said anything but did they all know? Could they all guess?

 

“There is nothing to forgive,” Jared stammered eventually.

 

“Then maybe you should tell Jensen that,” 

 

“Seriously, you’re reading too much into things,” Jared laughed. This was hitting too close to home and he stood, walking back to the refrigerator to grab another beer.

 

But Misha seemed to know differently. Squaring up to the taller man he looked disappointed. “The longer you pretend this isn’t real, the worse it’s going to be. For him and for you.” 

 

He turned to leave and had made it to the front door before Jared stopped him. “You said you didn’t know anything.”

 

Misha stilled. “I don’t, not really. Like everyone else I have conclusions and assumptions,” he answered sadly. “I’ve been acting alongside Jensen enough to know what’s real and what’s faked. He’s putting on a good act Jared but none of its real.”

 

Without waiting for Jared to reply he slipped out of the front door. It closed behind him with a solid click and Jared flinched. It wasn’t over. It never had been.

 

The remainder of the summer break was torture. Waiting and waiting for Jensen to return. Jared hit the bars and clubs searching for oblivion, finding it occasionally after a bottle of tequila or a cheap pick up. He didn’t bring any of them home. His hook ups hadn’t earned that and he either went back to their place or rented a motel room for the night. And when he was too drunk to care he just fucked them in a seedy back alley. It wasn’t something he was proud of but he couldn’t stop himself either. Jensen was under his skin and it itched.

 

In the end Jensen didn’t return until 24 hours before season five started. By which time Jared’s temper was on a knife edge and he looked like shit.

 

Jensen, as picture perfect as ever, had looked Jared slowly up and down, “Dude, you stink!”

 

Jared, wearing last nights clothes, as he’d passed out drunk in some nameless girl’s bed, scowled, “Can’t all be as fuckin’ pretty as you.”

 

“Whatever,” Jensen replied coldly and wrinkling his nose he disappeared to unpack.

 

It wasn’t a promising start. Wearily, Jared hauled his ass to the shower and scrubbed until his skin was pink and sore. Jensen had been away for three months and he’d come back leaner, fitter and more distant. Jared ached to touch him; to fold him into a hug like he’d done in the past, inhaling that unique Jensen mix of shampoo and aftershave. 

 

“How do I fix this?” Jared asked quietly, towel wrapped around his waist, dripping water over Jensen’s bedroom floor.

 

Jensen, a multicoloured bundle of shirts in his hands, chewed his lip. “I dunno that you can.”

 

“There must be something….”

 

Chucking the shirts on his bed, Jensen looked at him. “You made it pretty darn clear how you felt. That kinda leaves a mark, Jared whether you like it or not.”

 

Holding each others eyes they were searching for answers. And for each moment that passed the tension ratcheted up a notch.

 

“It’s still there,” Jared crossed his arms, suddenly feeling chilled.

 

Jensen nodded, “Well, that’s something I suppose. At least you’re not trying to deny that something exists.”

 

“I never did.”

 

“Jared,” Jensen began slowly, perching on the end of his bed, “we’re still friends. We have that. Can’t you let the rest go?”

 

Jared shook his head, “No, I can’t because it’s not in the past. You still feel it.”

 

“And it’s my problem!” Jensen was angry but at himself or Jared – Jared didn’t know. 

 

“Stop it!” Jared shouted. “Stop saying that! I fucked up! I get that. I said a truck load of shit that I had no right to and I hurt you! The one person I should never want to hurt.”

 

“Should’ a, could’ a,” Jensen smiled bitterly. “Makes no difference. It’s done.”

 

Towel hanging precariously low on his hips, Jared knelt at Jensen’s feet, “I know,” he touched his wet head to Jensen’s knee. “I’m so sorry. Truly, I am. I’ve had a while to think about what happened and it wasn’t all you. I just….”

 

“Just what?” Jensen hadn’t moved; he sat eerily still.

 

“I freaked out. Jensen, I haven’t ….not with a guy and this….this is you. Me and you. Have you even listened to how that sounds?” Jared raised his head to look at Jensen. Here he was more than half naked, kneeling at the end of a bed where Jensen Ackles, dressed immaculately in jeans and t-shirt sat calmly watching. “Fuck!” he said with feeling. “Have you seen how this looks?” 

 

And for the first time in a long while, a genuine grin broke across Jensen’s face, “Yeah, I have,” tentatively he reached a hand forward, fingers nervously tracing the frown lines on Jared’s face.

 

Jared, closing his eyes leaned into his touch.

 

“I don’t know what you want of me Jared, and I don’t want to know. Not yet,” Jensen said uncertainly, “let’s just make a start at rebuilding us as buddies.”

 

And Jared happily agreed. Their unconventional truce sealed finally with honesty.

 

It was good while it lasted.

 

And it did last, all the way through season five. They had invested so much of themselves in Sam and Dean to do less now would have been dishonourable. So, when Kripke asked for more they gave it without complaint. And Misha hadn’t mentioned his little chat with Jared but his smile indicated his approval of the progress Jared had made. And there was progress.

 

It was different than before. Slower, a smouldering heat unlike the previous touch light fire. Genevieve and Danneel were taking a backseat due to their rigorous film schedule so more often than not it was just them. Just Jared and Jensen, too bone tired to do anything more than collapse together on the sofa. 

 

There was the familiarity of friendship, a closeness born of knowing everything about each other, and an appreciation of affection grown from rekindled trust. Love was never mentioned and lust…. Lust was tentatively recognised in touches that lasted too long and stares that raised goose bumps on flushed skin.

 

It was maddening for both of them; two guys in their prime who had never held back before, dancing around each other like teenage girls. 

 

Chad, who hadn’t been thrilled to hear Jared was back on the Ackles band wagon had sighed disgusted. “Shit, Jared grow a pussy why don’t you!”

 

They had laughed about that one but carefully avoided any mention of Christian Kane.

 

Nothing good would come of talking about Chris.

 

As the season began building for the climax so did the story Jared and Jensen were weaving off set. 

 

They were becoming better than anything, Jared had experienced before and this time around it didn’t frighten him. Questions about his sexuality could wait. He didn’t need to over analyse things, not when he could sit back and wait to see if he enjoyed it. Jensen didn’t encourage him and there were no dramatic moments about if they were doing the right thing. 

 

It was gradual and it was nice. 

 

It wasn’t planned, that their next kiss didn’t happen until after the finale, but that’s the way it worked out. Two days after to be exact. A warm late spring morning as Jared brought the dogs back from a run in the park.

 

Jensen, more asleep than awake in a ratty old t-shirt and sweat pants, hair sticking on end was blearily making coffee when Jared walked in. 

 

“Dude, awesome look,” Jared laughed, shooing Harvey and Sadie towards the lounge.

 

Jensen smiled, “Takes a lot of practice to look this good.”

 

“I know,” and Jared wrapped his arm around Jensen’s waist, and leant his chin on his shoulder. “I’m gonna miss this.”

 

Craning his neck to look back, Jensen rolled his eyes, “Fuck off! Kripke wants to do a sixth season and so do the studio execs, we’ll be back.”

 

“I guess,” Jared sounded mournful, “But even if we do that’s a while off.”

 

“Chad’s right, you are a damn girl,” Jensen ruffled Jared’s hair and went to reach for a couple of mugs.

 

Jared caught his hand and held it.

 

“Jared?” Jensen said quietly, “What are you doing?”

 

Steeling his courage, Jared lightly kissed Jensen’s neck, just below his ear. “I dunno,” he confessed.

 

He could feel Jensen tense. They’d been here so many times before.

 

“Then,” Jensen said carefully, “maybe you ought to figure it out before you do anything you’ll regret.”

 

Jared nodded, “I get where you’re coming from and I don’t expect you to believe me, but I never regretted anything. I was just never certain I wanted it.”

 

“And now?” Jensen’s voice was unsteady.

 

Taking a deep breath, Jared replied, “I know I want to see where this leads. I can’t deny I’m afraid, but I want to try.”

 

Without a word, Jensen turned in Jared’s arms and looked up into his eyes, searching for truth but finding only doubts. It was perhaps too much to expect guarantees so he took a chance anyway. Risking it all, because there was no question his heart was on the line this time, and Jensen gently brushed his lips over Jared’s. 

 

Soft and searching, Jared answered him. Their embrace had lost nothing of the passion that it had before. If anything it was deeper and more profound. But it was controlled. No frantic tearing of clothes this time. This was something they didn’t want to spoil. For now, it was enough that they had a foothold on the ladder. This had to be enough.

 

And that was their last mistake. Love can’t be controlled and it should never be held so firmly in check.


	12. Chapter 12

  
Author's notes: Are you happy now?  


* * *

2 Years Ago

 

It all boiled down to thirty-six hours. Thirty-six hours from start to finish, it was as clean and tidy as that. 

 

And out of those hours, Jared had only two where he could relax in the knowledge that Jensen and he were finally on the same page. 

 

After that the phone call came.

 

While Eric Kripke and CW studio execs wanted a sixth season of Supernatural, higher up the movie making food chain a number of fat wallet big wigs had recognised Jared’s bankability. He had it all – he could act, possessed youthful good looks and had a stellar body to boot, all of which would help to bring the cash cow in and make the already rich much richer. Jared Padalecki would be their next ‘big thing’ and they were prepared to dangle just the right amount of temptation in his way to get him to bite.

 

And Jared had one huge chunk to get his teeth into - top directors to work with, plumb roles with him as the lead, a 3 movie deal with an option for more and a whole shed load of money.

 

This was the high profile deal the big wigs stressed. This was an opportunity that wouldn’t get offered more than once. This had Jared Padalecki’s name written all over it. 

 

All Jared had to do was ask for the pen and the dotted line.

 

However, there was one small problem.

 

Jensen.

 

While there was no mention of Jared’s illustrious co-star, or their close friendship, he could feel it buzzing between the lines of negotiation. This was a deal for Jared and Jared alone. It didn’t come with the baggage of having someone else attached to it in any shape or form. 

 

So, Jared had a dilemma. Two sides to a coin one - for his career and the other - for Jensen - he couldn’t have both.

 

But he did want both? It had taken so long to reach this stage and honestly how did he choose?

 

Instead of listening to his heart, Jared reasoned with his head alone. He was in his twenties, he wanted to see his name in lights and get his own Hollywood Star on the Walk of Fame. This was it. This was his chance. He would be working with the most experienced people in the business.

 

And Jensen? Sure he wanted his co-star now but what about further down the line? Was this something they were committing to for life? No, he didn’t think so. Jared knew Jensen well enough by now, the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids would still be on the agenda. This was a bridge they would have had to cross at some point in the future. This was everything Christian Kane had cautioned him against. Their choices now could wreck their careers and for what? Was a few weeks or months fuckin’ around worth the sacrifice?

 

Jared rationalised it over and over; it wasn’t like either of them were expecting to get offered life altering stuff when they started this thing of theirs. Jensen would realise why he had to go with the deal. Who wouldn’t? He was damn sure Jensen wouldn’t turn it down. 

 

And besides he and Jensen could pick this thing of theirs up at any time. Once he’d made it, if they were still interested they could have their little fling. No harm done.

 

It sounded easy. But then lies always are.

 

So, Jared reached his decision without a word to Jensen. He instructed his agent to close the deal and explain to Kripke how he wouldn’t be continuing with the show. Directly after that he made a quick call and placed his house on the market; after all he wouldn’t need it once he moved back to LA.

 

He told everyone he needed to. He told everyone but Jensen. But then honesty with the one you love is often hard.

 

****

 

If Jared thought the last thirty-five hours were tough he was going to get an eye opener during the last hour.

 

Jensen had taken a call from the realtor.

 

“Dude, what’s with your house up for sale?” Jensen fired his question at Jared as soon as he opened the door.

 

Fuck it. The bloody woman had been supposed to call his cell. Now he was on his back foot.

 

“I need a quick sale,” Jared smiled, trying to brazen it out. Slinging his coat on the back of a chair he gave the dogs a quick fuss and leaned over to give Jensen a kiss on his forehead.

 

Jensen backed away, “What the fuck are you talking about? Since when are you moving?”

 

Jared rubbed a hand across his face. “Since,” he grinned, “I got a call from Universal films! Jen they want me for a major project. A three movie deal as the lead, can you imagine it, me a lead in a Hollywood blockbuster?” he babbled. “It’s fuckin’ awesome. Man, this will set me up for life! For life Jen, I can’t turn this down!” 

 

Astonished, Jensen pinched the bridge of his nose. “So you’ve said yes, already?” he knew Jared had but he needed to hear him say it.

 

“Yeah, I mean dude, who wouldn’t!” 

 

Jensen remained silent. 

 

“Jensen?” Jared queried, he didn’t like the way Jensen’s face had gone totally blank. He knew that look. Jensen was closing down, shutting him out.

 

Jensen shrugged, helplessly, “Looks like you have it all figured out.”

 

“Well, ….I won’t be able to do Supernatural but lets face it we had five good years, a sixth was never definitely on the cards. Kripke will understand.”

 

“Yeah, I’m sure you’re right. The whole crew will understand why you’ve turned your back on them!” Jensen threw at him.

 

Later, when he wasn’t having cold water chucked all over his dream, Jared would see that it did look like he was sticking two fingers up at the people who had got him to this point. He wasn’t, of course, but it sure as hell would feel like it. 

 

“So, this is how it’s going to be,” Jared spread his arms wide. “Got anymore fuckin’ gems you wanna chuck at me? You seriously expect me to pass on a chance like this?”

 

“Of course not,” Jensen’s fists clenched. “But you could have handled it a lot better Jared. Actually told people for instance, instead of letting them find out from some nameless bloody estate agent!”

 

“Right.” this wasn’t going how Jared had imagined it would. Where was the loyalty and support he had expected from his friend? Why couldn’t Jensen see this was a golden ticket to the big time? “You mean, why didn’t, I tell you!” he snapped, banging cupboard doors as he searched for the bottle of Tequila.

 

Jared pulled the door above Jensen’s head open, only to have it slammed shut before he’d looked inside, Jensen’s hand wrenching it from his own. “Shit, Jensen!”

 

“Why shouldn’t I expect you would discuss this with me?” Jensen demanded, fury darkening his sea green eyes, “Or did you conveniently forget about the other day? In this damned kitchen, Jared you stood there and fuckin’ told me you wanted this!”

 

“I still do,” Jared shouted back. “We’ve just got to ease it onto the back burner. We were taking it slow anyway, so what’s the problem? This way we both win!”

 

“You’re incredible!” Jensen exclaimed, pacing the full length of the kitchen. “So we’re going into hiding now. I can sit around waiting for you to give us the okay?”

 

“Well, I wouldn’t have put it quite like that, but….”

 

Jensen’s fist connected hard with Jared’s jaw. It caught him square on and Jared toppled backwards, crashing into the corner of the kitchen units.

 

“Don’t,” Jensen was shaking. “Don’t you dare say it. You take this nice new life, Jared and you go fuckin’ enjoy it! I hope it makes you happy.”

 

Jared dazed and astounded couldn’t answer. He slumped on the floor nursing his bruised jaw, wincing as he heard the door bang shut. He sat there for a whole hour waiting for Jensen to come back. He would calm down eventually and then they could talk. They would find a way to make this work. 

 

It was a lovely thought. But it was never going to happen.

 

Jensen didn’t come back to the house. He didn’t call and he didn’t text. Jared’s house was no longer their home. Jared had seen to that. 

 

A few days later, Jared tired and frustrated tried to plead his case, leaving messages everywhere, even calling Chris. 

 

It was a brave man that called Christian Kane, either that of a very foolish desperate one.

 

Chris laid straight into him with even more venom than Jensen had. “How many chances did you think you would get, Padalecki? You just blew it big guy. But tell me, Jared – why? Why did you do it? I told him not to go back to you but he wouldn’t listen! Fuck you, Jared. Keep away from him from now on. Do you hear? ‘Cos if you don’t I’ll break you’re fuckin’ neck!”

 

It was harsh and on some level Jared even knew he deserved it. But the other part of Jared didn’t. Jensen was just being difficult, spoiling Jared’s amazing news. They would still have their fun in a while so why the big fuss? It would take some time but Jared knew they could fix this. 

 

He always thought he would have the time. 

 

It’s weird how people always expect time to stop while they sort their lives out. They don’t appear to comprehend that time is fluid; constantly in motion.

 

Jared seriously thought with patience and a little bit of effort, Jensen would cool off and come back. 

 

And a year later he still believed it. 

 

With Chad’s help he arranged to be at the same party as Jensen. It was a charity fund raiser organised by some movie industry buff Jared didn’t know, a relaxed affair with stars, writers and anybody with links to the showbiz industry milling around some impressive gardens and an enormous pool. Jared caught sight of Jensen shortly after he’d arrived and he appeared to be alone, which was a huge bonus. Jared hadn’t figured out what he was going to do if Chris had been there.

 

Skulking behind the rhododendrons, Jared had plenty off opportunity to watch Jensen. Drink in hand he was as immaculate as ever, in casual black slacks and a cream jumper. But his polite smiles and cool charm were all bravado. This was the old Jensen, self contained and distant and for a while Jared thought it was because Jensen was here alone and he didn’t appear to know that many people. But then he noticed the tightness around Jensen’s mouth and the dark shadows beneath his eyes. He looked tired and it wasn’t just on the surface, this was a weariness that ran deep.

 

And Jared knew it was his fault.

 

Hoping they could talk and put the past to rest, Jared stepped into Jensen’s eye line and waited for recognition to register.

 

Jensen spotted Jared but he looked straight through him.

 

“Jensen!” Jared shouted.

 

Keeping his pace to a walk, Jared continued his way over. “It’s been a while,” he smiled.

 

Jensen’s eyes were frosty. “Not long enough.”

 

“Dude, I know what I did came outta nowhere but come on, you would have done the same!”

 

“No, Jared,” Jensen sighed, he’d had time to think about this one long and hard. “I wouldn’t.”

 

Jared blinked, his head jerking back surprised, Jensen wouldn’t….what the fuck?

 

“Right,” Jensen laughed bitterly. “You don’t get it, do you Jared? Well, you can just keep on not getting it! I’m done with you. There is no way back. None. Now fuck off and leave me alone!”

 

“Jen.”

 

Jensen looked up into Jared’s face, jaw set. “You don’t get to call me that.”

 

If Jared was a girl he would have pulled his hair in frustration, “Why can’t you just let it go Jensen? I got a deal that most people would give anything for!”

 

They were two striking guys and neither of them were exactly small, people were starting to notice their raised voices. Staring and whispering as they recognised them. Jared glanced about him uncomfortably.

 

“What’s up Jared? Getting too warm for you?” Jensen snarled. “Bet your hot shot people wouldn’t like that.”

 

Jared had heard enough. This wasn’t how he had imagined he would win Jensen over but hell, if he was going to stand their and take all of the accusations. “What were you thinking Jensen, we would play happy families and run into the sunset? We were a short term thing no more and no less. Be honest Jensen, I might have meant more than a one night stand to you, but was I gonna be more than just a few weeks or months?”

 

Jensen bit his lip, head bowed. “Jared, you were so much more than that,” he said quietly. Taking a deep breath he flickered a weary look at Jared. “Now I’m going to leave and you damn well better not follow me!”

 

But Jared had let Jensen walk away the last time and he wasn’t prepared to let him do so again. Chasing after Jensen, who was collecting his car keys from valet parking, Jared tugged at his arm. “I’m not letting you just leave without listening to me!”

 

Tearing his arm furiously away, Jensen shook his head, “I’ve listened to you too many times and if I took any notice now….” his voice trailed away. “I’m not going to do this. Please, Jared,” he whispered, “let me go.”

 

Jared stared at Jensen. “Is that what you really want? Me to let you go?” 

 

Jensen didn’t answer and Jared was aware that he couldn’t start another heated argument in such an open place, “Okay,” Jared replied nodding. “I’ll let you go. For now.”

 

Jensen’s eyes widened, almost as if he were surprised. “This isn’t over,” Jared added. “I can’t let it be over.”

 

The emotions that flickered across Jensen’s face were smothered and masked so suddenly, Jared couldn’t figure them out. Whatever he had thought was between them he had judged it wrongly. The Jensen he had met tonight was suffering and it was all down to him. But how had he not seen that Jensen was never going to be someone that simply passed through his life? 

 

And as Jensen walked away, Jared watched his heart go with him. 

 

That was the moment Jared should have gone after him. This was the night he should have refused to take no for an answer. He could have stopped it from happening.

 

It was just before midnight when Jared got the call. It was Chad, voice roughly hushed, “Jared – switch on your TV.”


	13. Chapter 13

  
Author's notes: One day can shape a lifetime  


* * *

Present Day

 

Jared had learned a lot about himself in the few years since he had met Jensen - how easy it was for him to be tempted by those old clichés, fame and fortune and how difficult, but at the same time strangely acceptable, it was to let someone he cared for walk out of his life. It taken some time to understand that being honest with himself was the hardest thing to do. And lastly and probably scariest of all, was when he accepted he had thrown it all away, because he had been too afraid to risk it all.

 

He could deny he had regrets but it would be a lie, because now he understands how fame is superficial and that adoration doesn’t keep you warm at night. 

 

But love – that’s special. Love is the most priceless gift you can ever receive and the most precious one you can give to someone else.

 

Jensen had given him everything and he hadn’t seen it.

 

And now….now it was too late.

 

 

1 Year Ago

 

Jared caught the note of fear in Chad’s voice when he told him to switch his TV on; blindly reaching for the remote control. Transfixed, breath coming in short, sharp uneven bursts he watched as the large plasma screen snaped into a riot of colour. With his heart thumping madly he punched in the buttons for the 24 hour news channel, hand clenched tight around the phone, Chad muttering words that didn’t register in his ear.

 

There was a weather update playing but scrolling along the bottom of the screen was a NEWS ALERT – TV Actor Critical Following Serious 3 Car Accident.

 

“Chad?” Jared gasped, “Is this…. Was Jensen involved? Is it him that’s hurt? Tell me it’s not?”

 

“Jared,” Chad sounded tired, “He’s been transferred to Cedars-Sinai; all I know is that it’s bad. Chest and head injuries, I think. Look Chris called me, to let you know that much but….”

 

“What?” Jared snapped eyes glued to the TV waiting for the full bulletin.

 

“Jared, you can’t go to him. Chris doesn’t want you there.”

 

Not be there? Was he mad? He had to be there. He couldn’t be any where else! 

 

The remote control went hurtling at the wall, “He can’t fuckin’ stop me! Let him fuckin’ try. Chad, meet me at Cedars.”

 

Chad knowing that arguing was futile sighed, “Okay, just take a bloody cab we can’t have you in there as well.”

 

Jared cut Chad off and grabbed a light jacket and his keys, but before he could leave his apartment the news reel kicked in and he froze.

 

On the screen was a badly lit picture of the crash scene. Jared scanned the images quickly, eyes searching for answers. Debris was strewn across the road, a dark car badly smashed, front end crushed. Jared could just about make out the remains of some other large saloon, more wrecked than the first vehicle, and then - Jensen’s car came into view, a silver hybrid rental. It was a mess. It looked like the drivers door had been cut off, a front wheel was missing and the roof was half caved in. It was so battered, a twisted ruin that was barely recognisable.

 

The news reader was relating the accident details while the scene panned around, but Jared couldn’t take it in. He only registered fragments – Jensen Ackles…. a party…. alcohol…. situation critical… airlifted to… Double blow to Supernatural fans….had been expected to film a sixth season….co-star …. movie career….he had not worked since…..popular TV actor….hospital reports…. might not make it through the night.

 

This couldn’t be. Not Jensen. Not his Jensen. 

 

Shouldn’t he have been safely at home? Why had Jared let him leave? Why? Why? Why? Like a nail being hammered into wood the words pounded inside Jared’s head. 

 

He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t think. He couldn’t….Not Jensen! Please no, not Jensen! 

 

None of it made sense. It had all been so sudden. Why? How? Balancing on a knife edge Jared bent over, hands on knees to stop the dizziness, a dreadful sick feeling in his belly threatening to erupt, as he tried to get air into his lungs.

 

He mustn’t fall apart now. He had to be strong, strong enough for both of them; his willpower alone sufficient to stave off the unthinkable. 

 

Closing his eye briefly to gather himself together, Jared headed towards the hospital. There were already a couple of film crews outside and he was immediately recognised and chased by cameras and an over zealous reporter eager for the first word, “Jared Padalecki we’ve not seen you in the company of Jensen Ackles lately are you two still close friends? Do you know how serious his injuries are?”

 

“No comment,” Jared bit out, for the first time ever hating who he was and what he had achieved. He would have sent them all to hell if he could; instead he opted for pushing them rudely out of the way and as he ducked inside the hospital. 

 

He didn’t get far. Loitering in front of the elevators, Christian Kane was waiting for him.

 

“I knew you’d take no notice of Murray. Always got to do your own thing Padalecki,” Chris’s tone was biting. He looked dreadful, long dark hair sticking up at all angles, face unshaven and etched with worry.

 

“How is he?” Jared asked desperately, he couldn’t deal with Kane’s anger at the moment.

 

Cold blue eyes studied him, “They won’t say. He has severe chest injuries and they’re not sure how bad his head ones are. Jared, he coded twice on the way here, it’s not looking good.”

 

Twice. Jensen almost….twice. It was hard for Jared to get his head around. It couldn’t be his Jensen, Jared had seen him only hours before, tired - yes but still the same. His Jensen - perfectly groomed, wickedly charming and utterly gorgeous. 

 

“I have to see him,” Jared pushed Chris out of the way and called for the elevator. But Kane lunged forward and grabbed his arms, “No you don’t.”

 

“Chris, get out of my fuckin’ way!”

 

“No. Jared they won’t let anyone in. They’ve sent for his family. No one wants you here. They all know what happened between the two of you and ….well let’s say no one’s impressed,” he struggled against the larger man, shoes squeaking frighteningly loud on the shiny floor.

 

“Jensen told them?” Jared was aghast. Why? Why would he do that?”

 

“Because this is Jensen he can hide from everyone but the people who really know him. If you weren’t so far up your own arse you would have even noticed. Jared, he hasn’t done a stroke of work since Supernatural finished.” 

 

“But I thought he was….”

 

“What?” Chris huffed, “Taking a break? Jared, you are so unbelievably stupid! The guy’s been torn up over you. He had to tell his parents because they were worried about him. He’s been drinking too much, partying all the time and he has a different woman on his arm every night not just every week.”

 

“I have to go up. I need to be with him,” Jared repeated, attempting to pull his arms free; Chris maybe smaller but he had one hell of a grip.

 

“Thing is,” Chris pulled him to a corner and shook his head at security who had begun to take an interest, “You’re not with Jensen. You’re not going to be. Let him be with the people who do love him, Jared.”

 

“I do,” Jared gasped, “I do love him!” and he stopped struggling and sagged against the slighter man. Despite his anger, Chris let him. Whatever Jared was or wasn’t he didn’t believe his feelings for Jensen weren’t real. Jared was just too young, too egotistical and too damn selfish.

 

“Jared?” Chad’s voice came up behind them.

 

Chris turned his head, “Took your time. Take him home Murray and make sure the fucker doesn’t come back.” 

 

As Chad collected the defeated man from Chris’s arms, Jared started babbling, “I saw him,” Jared said wildly, searching Chris and Chad’s face for understanding, “Tonight. I saw Jensen tonight. If only I had….”

 

“Had what? Chad can you translate this shit?”

 

Chad swallowed hard, thinking it would be better if he didn’t, “They were at the same party. Jared went to talk to Jensen. I don’t know what happened but I’m guessing it didn’t go well.” 

 

Chris looked at Jared with renewed anger, “What the fuck did you do?”

 

Jared was shaking his head, looking visibly distressed, “Nothing. I swear. He wouldn’t talk to me, well not much anyway. He just left. He took his car and ….oh, god no…. this is my fault I did this.”

 

Chris bunched his fists into Jared’s shirt, “No, tonight wasn’t your fault. Although I would love to say it was. Jensen was driving that car not you. Take your pity party elsewhere Jared,” he released Jared with a shove, sending him skidding backwards into Chad.

 

Chad helped him to his feet, “Come on, Jared. Let’s get you home,” he spared a look at Kane’s retreating figure, “Just keep us in the fuckin’ loop.”

 

Chad wasn’t sure how he got Jared past the media circus outside the hospital, and into a cab. Jared was a mess. Broken but not crying. He was in shock and he was blaming himself. The paparazzi spotted it as soon as he came out.

 

“Was it bad news, Jared? You’re looking very upset would you like to elaborate on your relationship with your former co-star? Jared, do you have any words for all of Jensen’s fans? How will you feel if he doesn’t make it?

 

Getting him out at Jared’s apartment was a no go. The press were staking it out and Chad didn’t fancy his chances at getting Jared through another set of questions unscathed. He was likely to let several cats out of their bags in his present mental state. And wrecking everything now would just be pointless. So, Chad took him to his own home and rang Sandy, spilling some of the sorry tale to get her to come over.

 

And that’s how it had remained for the last year - Jared, Chad and Sandy. With Chad and Sandy supporting the remnants of what used to be Jared Padalecki, pushing him through each day one hour at a time. 

 

And that’s what Jared did, he survived. No more. No less.

 

And over at the hospital so did Jensen. His injuries were severe but against all the odds he survived too. But he did remain in a coma and the doctors weren’t able to say any more than he was out of immediate danger.

 

After six months, Chris had come over to see Jared and grudgingly granted permission for him to visit. And that helped. To a degree.

 

Jared’s first visit since that dreadful night had been hard. He was full of trepidation despite his need to see Jensen after being denied access to him for so long. The mix of utter relief mixing with terror at what he would be face with, almost bringing him to his knees. For such a giant man it was awful to see a small and humbled figure walk nervously up to Jensen’s hospital room door. A huge part of him half expected to be turned away before he even got chance to see Jensen. To be told to leave and not come back, like he’d been ordered to before. 

 

Chad and Sandy watching the reunion unfold found it heartbreaking.

 

Jared hovered anxiously outside Jensen’s door for ages, refusing to be coaxed or hurried. But, eventually, he went in, eyes averted until he was sat beside the bed. And when he did look, Jared was surprised. There were a few bits of machinery connected to Jensen but nothing on the scale of any of their scenes in Supernatural. Jensen looked like he was asleep. But his stillness was unnerving. There was nothing casual about his posture, this wasn’t Jensen as he remembered him, buried beneath his bed covers with Sadie curled up to his side. Jared had once called Jensen pretty and looking at him now he could still see why. His face was perfect with just a faint purple tint beneath his eyes. A slumbering sleeping beauty whose features couldn’t be marred by sickness. 

 

Jared took his hand nervously, “Hey, Jensen, it’s me Jared. Now, I’m guessing you might not want me here but you gotta know we’ve all been so worried. I’m worried,” he glanced around the room, “You’ve got flowers, nice ones looks like they’re from Daneel. And cards, the whole rooms full of cards,” Jared didn’t know how he had missed them before but they were littered all about Jensen’s room in different shapes and sizes. Some were from fans, from as far away as Australia and some from friends and family. “You’re one popular guy,” Jared smiled, “Sandy and Chad are waiting outside, don’t think they trust me to be alone. I….I hate being alone. I’ve not really been alone before….It’s not the same without you.”

 

His mouth was running on and on, a continuous stream of nonsensical drivel that only ceased when a nurse entered the room. She smiled, “Its okay,” she said, “Not knowing what to say. Sometimes just being here is enough you don’t need to say anything. He’d understand.”

 

“Do you….Do you think he can hear me?” Jared stammered.

 

The nurse checked Jensen’s chart and made a few notes, “I think so. On some level. He’s still with us so….there’s hope. He’s a fighter.”

 

“It was bad wasn’t it?”

 

She looked at Jared, hearing how lost he sounded, “That doesn’t matter now honey, now, I have to go check on my other patients.”

 

Jared nodded as he bowed his head, rubbing his thumb over the back of Jensen’s hand, it was warm but unresponsive, “I do love you Jensen,” he whispered, “I’m so very sorry I let you go.” 

 

That was how Sandy and Chad found him an hour later, wordlessly communing with Jensen. Taking him home they worried at his silence and wondered if Jared would find his way back to them if Jensen didn’t recover.

 

 

Present Day

 

Jared had stopped crying. He didn’t know if he had run out of tears or if his exhaustion had halted them. Across the room his Oscar continued to glitter, a beacon of his failure. He stared at it, deep in thought and after a long moment he reached for his phone calling Christian Kane.

 

Kane’s drawling voice quickly answered, “You’re the last person I expected to call today Padalecki! Aren’t you supposed to be celebrating and stuff?”

 

Pursing his lips, Jared sighed, “Like I could do that. I just called….I called to let you know I’m going overseas. I’m gonna accept a film offer and go to Paris. I’m no use here and if I stay every time I visit Jensen the press will keep hounding everyone. That’s not fair to you or his family.”

 

Buzzing silence answered and for a few seconds, Jared though Chris had hung up, “That’s a decent thing to do,” Chris conceded. It had been hard, since that first night the paparazzi had swarmed like flies, Jared’s distraught behaviour raising numerous questions. Then, when Jared had started visiting the hospital again, his daily presence had caused quite a stir.

 

“I know you think I made bad choices. I know I made them. But I need to try and do something. I need to do it for him,” Jared explained.

 

“Yeah, I know. You coming over to see him before you go?” Chris asked.

 

Jared had considered it but, “No. After tonight and my stunning acceptance speech and no show at the party the media will be worse. I’ll just slip off in a day or two.”

 

“You’re not a bad man Jared. You just made some poor decisions and we’re all guilty of that at times.”

 

“Dude, your decisions don’t put people in the hospital!”

 

Chris let that lie, “Good luck, Jared. I mean that. I’ve been hard on you in the past but these last six months have shown that you honestly do care. If it helps I’ll keep you posted on his progress while you’re away.”

 

“Thanks,” Jared replied quietly and he shut his phone off.

 

Standing up, he made his way back over to the window and looked out across the city. In body he might be moving on but his heart wasn’t. It never would.


	14. Chapter 14

  
Author's notes: A gilded, glittering nightmare  


* * *

All Present Day from this point on 

 

 

Jared boarded his Paris flight alone. It was time to cut the apron strings to Chad and Sandy. He was more than willing suffer, for what had happened to Jensen, but he didn’t see why anyone else should have to, least of all Jensen’s family. The media furore wasn’t going to leave him alone any time soon, so now was the ideal time to leave. 

 

Reluctantly, Chad and Sandy had to agree, taking him to the airport with glum faces, making him swear to phone everyday. And Jared promised to do just that, because they needed to hear it. It was written all over their faces, they would worry incessantly about him while he was away, but Jared knew he couldn’t ask them to put their lives on hold for him forever. And although grateful for their support these last few months, secretly he was glad to be on his own. Oscar night had in some small way liberated him. It had released him from the tunnel vision that had seen his emotions bring everybody down. He was still conflicted and guilty but no one else was, or even should be, especially not Chad or Sandy. Besides, he needed the focus a new project would provide. Something he could loose himself in. Something that would help him forget, even if it was only for a few moments on film.

 

More than that – Jared had no ambitions. 

 

Briefly, he had considered sending Jensen his Oscar, as an actor he more than deserved it; he had more than delivered consistently stunning work as Dean Winchester. But in the end, Jared couldn’t do it. How could he send Jensen the trophy, which had been an instrumental part in pulling them apart? So, he kept it, his Oscar buried in the middle of his luggage. Just in case there were times when he forgot what he had done; he could take it out and remember the price both he and Jensen had paid.

 

And then there was Paris, a place that was a double edged sword for Jared, and not one of his most favourite destinations, not anymore. His brief engagement had seen to that, but it was an amazing city, full of culture, history and the biggest bonus of all - people who, for the most part, hadn’t a clue who he was.

 

He could pretty much walk the streets unmolested, save for the odd eagle eyed fan. The media hoopla that had followed him around of late, had yet to figure out he had fled the country. So, for a short while at least he had the run of the city and he was able to bask in the peace and serenity that Paris had to offer. At a time when Jared had no idea of how he would go on if Jensen didn’t recover, Paris could have been worse. 

 

Once filming started he threw himself into it 110%. He was always on set an hour earlier than necessary and he made sure he knew everyone by name, right down to the teas ladies, who he made a point of flirting with shamelessly. 

 

But surface pleasantries aside that was as far as it went. 

 

He didn’t socialise with the rest of the cast often, refusing to take breaks between shooting with anyone and, more often than not, retreating to the safety of his trailer. Jared became difficult to work with - reclusive, secretive and morose, his figure cutting an oppressive atmosphere across the set. The projected light, comedic murder mystery movie changing into something that was dark and moody with a cynical twist. 

 

And where there were rumblings of discontent about difficult leads, the press were certain to follow.

 

Already in a frenzy the media couldn’t get to him fast enough. Speculation and non co-operation were buzz words the paparazzi lived for and they began tripping over themselves to uncover the truth about his on set antics and by association his relationship with Jensen. Jared ended up a virtual prisoner in his hotel room, which had the knock on effect of Chad and Sandy threatening to come over and shake some sense into him. But he simply shrugged it all off. 

 

On one of his regular calls with Jared, Chad aptly summed it up, “Dude, just have it over and done with and march in the next gay parade!”

 

Subtlety was never one of Murray’s strong points.

 

Jared laughed but added seriously, “I’m not doing this with anyone but Jensen. Don’t you get that yet? I’m not gonna be the next gay icon.”

 

“Shit, Padalecki you are one lame ass dude!”

 

“Glad I’m not disappointing,” Jared sighed ruefully, “I just….I just miss him, Chad. The last time I was in Paris, I rang him at some dumb ass time to tell him I’d gotten engaged.”

 

“Well, when he gets better you’ll be able to take him back there,” Chad replied brightly, “The press will have one hell of a pay day when that happens!”

 

“Yeah,” Jared’s tone was wistful, “I don’t think it’s gonna happen. I don’t think Jensen will ever forgive me. I don’t know that he’ll ever wake up. Chris said….” voice heavy with tears, “Chris said the longer he remains in a comma and doesn’t respond….”

 

“Jared, stop it!” fuckin Kane with his loose mouth, “Chris isn’t a doctor; he doesn’t know everything and besides Jensen’s a pretty forgiving sort of guy.”

 

“I guess.”

 

“Now go finish your movie and smile once in a while! You’re not gonna get offered many more parts if you keep this up! The studio is gonna come down heavy with the amount of speculation you’re causing as it is.”

 

Jared did know, he’d already fallen foul of a call from his agent, “Jared, while I accept that the last six moths have been very traumatic and you had a very close and good friendship with Jensen Ackles, are you sure that the amount of interest you’re generating in that area is really a good idea? Your contract stipulated no baggage and you haven’t hit the dizzy heights yet, even if you have got your first Oscar.”

 

Jared wondered if his agent were deliberately dangling the prospect of further Oscar’s as a way to gain Jared’s unswerving commitment to his career. The sharp tone, from a man who was looking forward to his next percentage cut rather suggested he was, and the pointed remark about baggage stung. 

 

Jared could think of only one possible response, “I don’t have any baggage, I wish I did! I did everything the studio wanted, I cut all ties to Jensen and then the accident happened. Wasn’t that enough? Isn’t it enough that I’m not with him? That I’m not hanging on to his hospital bed sheets, praying for him to wake up? I’m not giving interviews and I’m not making statements. Anymore than that, you can all go to hell!”

 

“Jared, please,” his agent cautioned, “One statement would suffice, I’ll even make it for you. Something thoughtful about Jensen that reflects your brotherly affection.”

 

“Brotherly?” Jared struggled to keep his temper, “Affection? Have you not listened to a word I said? No way are you releasing that statement. There are people in both mine and Jensen’s lives that know that isn’t true. You seriously expect me to publicly denounce everything me and Jensen were to each other, just to make a few suits happy?”

 

“You did it before, Jared. What’s your problems now?”

 

Jared was glad there were several thousand miles between them. He was fond of his agent and he’d like him to keep all his teeth. But the bottom line was pointed, although his agent had been persuasive and had agreed he should take the film deal, it hadn’t been his fault Jared had been gutless.

 

“I should have said it was a deal breaker way before now, and even if it is too late to make any difference, at least I can say in the end I was honest. Jensen Ackles is non- negotiable. No matter how this plays out, I’m not going to push how I feel about him into some discrete little corner.”

 

“Then just keep your head down, be nice to everyone and keep your damned mouth shut. Oh, and Jared watch what you tell Murray, I don’t trust him.”

 

Jared had wisely not revealed that not only did Murray know everything he’d already let his secret slip, sometime ago to Christian Kane.

 

For now, Jared did what was expected of him, staying within the confines of the set or within his own security detail. He was hustled between his hotel and location shoots in a car with blacked out windows and always via a private entrance or exit. It was a lonely way to live but Jared managed. He was good at avoiding people, so good he even managed to slip the end of filming wrap party. 

 

Celebrating wasn’t part of his life. Happiness wasn’t either. 

 

And on the one time, Jared was persuaded to attend a small late night dinner, with his immediate co-stars they tried to fix him up with a bit of company. Company that came in the form of a bubbly, brunette air hostess. 

 

It was a disaster. 

 

During the entrees, Jared was forced to fix a pleasing smile on his face and take at least a partial interest in what she had to say, by mains he was trying hard not to stab her with a fork, as she kept patting his hand over and over, and by dessert he was trying not to choke on his profiteroles, as she offered to blow him in the men’s room. To be fair it wasn’t her fault either. In another time and place, Jared might well have been tempted to take her up on her offer, she was good company and very pretty. But she wasn’t want he wanted, and although Chad would’ve argued she was what he needed, a little light relief to take the edge off, he couldn’t do it.

 

The night finished with Jared forced to deposit the girl on the Maitre d’ and pick up the tab. He didn’t even have the luxury of exchanging a few words with his well meaning fellow actors, as they ended the meal so wrecked they wouldn’t have understood him anyway. 

 

To add insult to misery the bubbly brunette air hostess just had to be serving on Jared’s flight home to the States. He groaned when he saw her. Groomed and manicured to perfection she didn’t attempt to hide her disappointment with him, and spent much of the return journey whispering to her colleagues. 

 

Jared could have lived with their curious stares, but the frequent enquiries by the rest of the cabin crew as to how he was feeling and could they help in anyway, made him feel that he was in some sort of seedy competition to see who could talk their way into his trousers first. This suspicion was more or less confirmed when Jared made a visit to the restroom and was met on his way out by a male steward called, Rob. 

 

Obviously when female charm failed to nail him, it was time to throw in the token gay. Jared hadn’t been amused.

 

“No offence, dude,” Jared replied, jumping as Rob herded him back inside the tiny cubicle, “but you’re just not my type.”

 

“Oh, but Cindy said you turned her down, and honestly you’ve not looked interested in any of the others, so we guessed that the rumours were probably true. You know, about you and that other guy….”

 

“That other guy,” Jared pushed Rob out of his way, “has a name and he’s not you.”

 

“Monogamous, I get it. That’s gotta be tough when he’s in a comma and all, you sure you don’t wanna….” Rob made a lewd hand gesture.

 

Jared was beginning to see in the eyes of the media and the people who bought the trash, who they were wasn’t defined by their friendship or what they meant to each other, it was judged on what they looked like and what other people thought they did together.

 

“Thanks for the offer,” Jared shook his head, “but no thanks.”

 

“Well, if you change your mind,” Rob tilted his head back towards the restroom, “It’s a long flight, and I’m a flexible sort of guy. I’d be happy to blo….”

 

“Don’t!” Jared interrupted, “I’m not interested so can you please just drop it?”

 

Rob moved out of his way, but by the time Jared was back in his seat he had joined the rest of the cabin crew, exchanging notes on his lack of success. Rob was right about one thing, it was a long flight. 

 

Mentally drained from fending off unwanted advances things were further exacerbated on landing, by Jared’s luggage taking forever to clear customs, and a string of fans recognising him just as he stepped outside the airport. His car was a no show, and in the end he was forced to take a cab home with a driver who decided, Jared was just the person who could explain to him why his neighbour was screwing his wife.

 

Jared gave him an extra large tip. It was good to be home.

 

Home – it was an alien word now; home was a swanky apartment with minimalist furniture. It was dull and unloved. A little bit like how Jared felt, because by now he had his own inner self deprecating party going on. It was getting late or early depending how you looked at it, around 2 am and he needed a drink, but as he went to pour a whisky he found he’d run out of alcohol. Irritable he made a mug of coffee instead, before realising he’d got no milk. The day just plain sucked. Abandoning his untested drink on the coffee table, he dragged himself to bed and stayed there for a good sixteen hours. 

 

Jared’s body clock was so screwed by the time he woke up at six in the evening, he felt like shit and his head was thumping. Dragging himself out of bed he began making a painful mental list - he needed to ring Chad, to let him know he was back and see if he was free tomorrow, he also had to make time to go shopping for groceries, and most of all he needed to call Chris and ball him out, for not giving him an update on Jensen for the past three weeks. But first he needed Tylenol. Tylenol and more sleep.

 

But the whole plan, of what he needed to do, rapidly went out of the window when his doorbell rang.

 

Jared had two options to ignore it and hope whoever it was took the hint and left him the fuck alone, or answer it and pray that it wasn’t some bloody stalker or journo who had got a hold of his address. 

 

Jared opted to answer it and his life exploded out of control.


	15. Chapter 15

  
Author's notes: A million times  


* * *

Jared’s world tipped on its axis. He was in free fall and there was no net at the bottom to catch him. Thankfully, though there was someone waiting to break his sudden plummet. Someone with sea green eyes, softly spiked hair and a teasing smile. 

 

Jared’s heart began trembling madly.

 

“Are you gonna ask me to come in or are we doin’ this on your doorstep?” a familiar low voice asked.

 

Jared, unable to think clearly opened his door wider and watched mesmerised as a pair of dark blue jeans walked into his apartment. Speechless, he closed the door, leaning his head against the cool wood for a moment, praying the illusion wouldn’t shatter by the time he turned around. 

 

But it didn’t. He was still there. As impossibly perfect as ever.

 

“Jensen!” Jared breathed, and his feet suddenly came rushing back to life, spurring him forward to throw his arms wildly around the smaller man in reckless abandon.

 

Jensen laughed, allowing himself to be momentarily lifted off his feet, as he buried his head into Jared’s shoulder. 

 

“I….I can’t believe it’s you!” Jared’s voice cracked, “How long….how long have you….why didn’t anyone let me know….are you okay….where are you stopping….does Chris know you’re here?”

 

“Jay, I think you’ll combust if you don’t slow down!” Jensen joked, pushing Jared gently back, “It’s good to see you.”

 

“Really?” Jared asked doubtfully, because he could remember their last conversation all too vividly. He’d lived with it every day for almost a year.

 

Jensen shook his head, dismissing Jared’s worries with a sheepish smile, “No, I haven’t forgotten, quite the opposite. It’s interesting what you pick up while you’re laying in a hospital bed.”

 

Jared’s eyebrows shot up, “You heard everything?”

 

Jensen shrugged, “Yes, well some anyway. The stuff that mattered,” he looked intensely at Jared as if trying to weigh something up, “You haven’t been by in a long while. I heard you went abroad, Paris wasn’t it?”

 

Jared ducked his head, “Yeah,” he coughed, uncomfortable, “Paris. Jen, I needed to get some clear air. It was full on, I didn’t know if you would ever wake up and the press kept hounding everyone because of me. It just seemed easier if I wasn’t in the picture for awhile.”

 

“Its okay Jared. I’m not here to criticise your decision,” Jensen replied, taking yet another step away.

 

The distance between them was growing, an ironic similarity to before Jensen’s accident. Jared could see it, feel it and he had no idea how to stop it from tearing apart. He ached to do something. To bring Jensen back to him. To hold him in his arms again. But Jared wasn’t sure where they stood anymore, “Jen, I can’t begin to tell you what it means to me that you’re better, that you came to see me. But I have to ask. I need to know….Its driving me crazy.”

 

“You mean why am, I here exactly?” Jensen arched an eyebrow.

 

“Yeah. Hell, Jensen I don’t wanna put you on the spot or expect to give me a second chance but after everything with your accident and all.”

 

Clear green eyes, open and searching regarded Jared softly, “It’s simple. I had unfinished business.”

 

“Unfinished business? What? Who?”

 

“With you, Jay.”

 

“Me?” and Jared’s voice squeaked.

 

“Well I don’t mean Christian!” Jensen smirked, “Yes, you big girl – you! Jared, are you sure it was just me that took a bang on the head, cos you’re being a bit slow here?”

 

Jared was beginning to wonder that himself, “B..But I….”

 

Jensen rolled his eyes, “Jared, I had to see you. I had to know if we….,” he said thoughtfully, “I need to know, if all we are or all we ever could be is just friends?”

 

Jared steeled himself, “Jensen, we’ve never been just friends. From the day we met there was always something there. This….a bond,” he added, searching for the right words, “What we have is special. You’re special and I….I didn’t realise just how much I valued it, valued you, until you all almost slipped through my fingers,” Jared couldn’t keep looking at Jensen, whether he forgive him or not, Jared would never forgive himself, “I almost lost you altogether. I turned my back on you because I had this illusion, I wanted to be up there in the A list making waves and big bucks. I turned my back on you because everyone else’s opinion mattered so much,” Jared’s voice was wrecked, torn with too much emotion. Too much guilt.

 

Jensen sighed wearily, “If everyone else’s opinion matters that much then you did make the right choice, Jay and one day you’ll find what you need.” He turned towards the front door but only made it a couple of steps before Jared snagged his arm.

 

“No! No you can’t go,” Jared panicked, “I don’t care what anyone thinks,” he said brokenly.

 

Jensen glanced at the firm hand holding him still, “I didn’t come here to issue you with ultimatums. I just wanted to be sure before I closed the door on this and moved on.”

 

“So, do you? Jared croaked, drawing Jensen back towards him, “Do you want to know how I really feel? What I really want?”

 

Jensen removed Jared’s fingers, as if his touch could some how cloud his honesty, “Please,” he nodded, “tell me.”

 

Jared took a deep breath, “I feel like a coward. I feel like a coward because I couldn’t face this business we’re in. I’ve been carrying this….this burden around for so long. I let you down. I let us down. I wanted….” he cleared his throat, “I wanted you - Jensen Ackles.”

 

“And do you still want me? Cos you said wanted Jared,” Jensen asked cautiously. 

 

“Yes!” Jared exhaled sharply, “Yes, I want you!”

 

And then there was nothing. No movement. No sound. Nothing. Jensen simply stood there, eyes holding Jared’s. Silent agony. But Jared couldn’t be the first to speak; this had to be on Jensen’s terms or not at all. Jared’s eyes blurred and at first he didn’t notice when Jensen moved, instead he felt Jensen’s featherlike touch brush his cheek, fingers sliding into his hair, gently caressing the sensitive skin at the back of his neck. Jensen’s touch speaking far more eloquently than any word could communicate. 

 

Jared leaned into his hand, Jensen’s aggravatingly slow exploration possibly the most erotic experience of his life. They were close, so nearly there, Jared could almost taste success. It was sweet like the spice of Jensen’s aftershave. 

 

Jensen was the addiction Jared couldn’t kick. Oh, yes he fuckin’ wanted him. 

 

Moving effortlessly with the moment, Jared bent his head, mouth hungrily claiming what he’d needed for so damned long. And Jensen went with it, lips moving slick and hot over Jared’s, growling low in appreciation when Jared broke off to nuzzle just below his ear. 

 

It was too much and at the same time it wasn’t nearly enough. Jared’s stomach tightened in anticipation, he was slowly drowning and he didn’t care there wasn’t a single life belt in sight. Because he was drowning in Jensen, and that made him so fuckin’ heart exploding happy, he sank further into Jensen’s arms as they wound themselves around his neck.

 

“Jared,” Jensen uttered; voice low and loaded with meaning.

 

The husky rumble of his name setting Jared’s blood on fire; Jensen’s murmur full of sinful promise, “Anything,” Jared gasped, “I’d do anything. I’ll give you everything. I don’t care any more. Just you. I just want you.”

 

Jensen relaxed his hold a fraction, tilting his head to the side, regarding Jared with hooded eyes, lazy like a cat, “Are you sure, Jared? Crossing this last line can’t be undone. It can’t be forgotten. You sure you can face up to everything that this may bring? Will you know in your heart that despite all the backlash, that will most assuredly follow, you made the right decision?”

 

“Yes,” Jared stared intently back, willing Jensen to believe him, praying that he could hear the sincerity in his voice, “A thousand times you could ask me and the answer would be – yes! If the whole damned world has to know, if my acting career is finished or if tonight were the only night we ever had, my answer would still be the same – yes! A million times – yes!”

 

And Jared hit gold, the relief in Jensen’s face obvious as he visibly relaxed, “I needed to be sure. I had to know you really wanted this.”

 

“Yeah, well I hope I was convincing,” Jared smiled feeling more confident, “Cos now I want you to shut up and kiss me!”

 

“Bossy,” Jensen chided, pulling Jared closer.

 

“And demanding,” Jared added with a smirk and a wriggle of his hips.

 

“So, I notice!”

 

“Hmmm,” Jared’s breathy reply barely audible, “should be interesting, all this catching up.”

 

“Should be,” Jensen agreed, voice a whisper as he wriggled back, “very interesting.” Heat was pooling in his stomach with the heavy friction of denim and the rub of their highly aroused bodies. 

 

Shit it was good. It sent flashes of pleasure shooting up Jared’s spine in painful aching bursts, as he uttered a needy, “Yeah,” when Jensen fiercely grabbed at his hair, and took him in a hard and desperate kiss.

 

It was messy and wet and damn fucking perfect. Mouths devouring every inch, lips caressing, biting, taking, scolding skin with each ravenous kiss, tongues tangling over and over fighting for dominance. 

 

“Fuck!” Jared gasped desperately into Jensen’s ear.

 

“S..t..o..p..t..a..l..k..i..n..g..,” Jensen groaned seeking Jared’s lips again.

 

Perfect had gone, this was animal, hot and insanely dirty, as Jared tired of holding back ran his hands up the inside of Jensen’s grey sweater, delighting in the power of making the smaller man shiver, pulling the offending garment roughly over his head. Better, much better, Jared’s eyes and hands roamed over freckled skin fascinated by the way Jensen arched his back, when he dipped his fingers into the crease of his ass.

 

“No, fair,” Jensen protested, enjoying the excruciating pleasure. Blindly, he took a tight hold of Jared’s shirt, ripping it open, buttons flying in his need to have his hands on bare skin.

 

But Jared didn’t care about fair and he also didn’t care that Jensen had just shredded one of his favourite shirts. He couldn’t see or feel past his intense need. He and Jensen were half naked and achingly hard but it still wasn’t enough. He had to have more. Blood roaring through his ears, all thought processes abruptly short circuited as Jensen’s tongue began tracing lazy patterns across the hollow of Jared’s throat, hands grabbing and pulling and demanding. The slick slap of skin an erotic record they moved in time to.

 

Everything was brutal and fast. It would never be enough, Jared’s mind was crazed, he was a junkie craving more and his drug was Jensen. Instinctively his hands quested lower, tugging at Jensen’s belt, impatience making him struggle with the leather. And Jensen simply stood there running his tongue across his lips, watching him with those damn delicious eyes. Letting Jared take over, hissing sharply when his fingers finally succeeded in freeing the buckle, before moving deliberately south towards his zip. Then and only then did Jensen stay Jared’s hand, “You sure?” he asked huskily.

 

Jared regarded him perplexed, everything about Jensen was screaming pure sex and he had no intention of stopping now. With a wicked grin, Jared moved his hand lower, rubbing over Jensen’s groin, feeling how hard he was; pressing down to elicit another wanton response. And as Jensen’s full lips parted in pleasure, Jared smothered them with his own. 

 

That was it. There was no more thinking. No more hesitancy. Within minutes their remaining clothes were gone, Jared indulging himself in the glorious sight of smooth supple muscle, as he manhandled Jensen onto the big brown leather couch. They disintegrated into a blur of pushing, rubbing, grabbing and grasping. Faster and dirtier, grinding against each other. Jared threw back his head arching into Jensen, mouth falling open in a wordless cry as Jensen bit his neck. It was endless pleasure peaking white hot, nails digging into Jared’s backside, pulling him closer, tighter, losing control. Jared heard a muffled gasp from very far away, but he didn’t know if it was Jensen or himself who cried out, before pulsing warmth spilled between them.

 

How long they laid sprawled across the couch, Jared didn’t know. His sense of time had lost all meaning, but he was still breathless as he pushed damp hair out of his eyes. Smiling, he looked down at Jensen, “Hey,” he said softly, “you okay down there?”

 

Cautious eyes, blown wide and dark gazed back, “Yeah, apart from 6’ 4’ of giant crushing me, I’m real good!”

 

“Dude, that was hot!” Jared pulled himself up, slapping Jensen’s thigh as he moved.

 

“Hey!” Jensen pouted, “Careful with the goods, or I won’t let you play with them again.”

 

Jared licked his lips, “You know,” he trailed his fingers over Jensen’s stomach, “damn well you will.” 

 

Jensen’s reply was unintelligible as his eyes drifted shut, “Let’s move this somewhere we’ll be more comfortable,” Jared whispered in his ear.

 

Cracking his eyes open Jensen looked at Jared suspiciously, “You’re thinking about getting stains on the couch aren’t you?”

 

“No!”

 

“Come on,” Jensen taunted, “I know you too well, Padalecki admit it, you’ve never had sex on this couch before, have you?”

 

“Well….” Jared searched for a way to deny it, he’d been precious about the sofa he’d owned back in Vancouver and he knew Jensen had him on this one.

 

“You haven’t have you?”

 

“Okay, no,” Jared conceded, “I haven’t, but that doesn’t mean that’s the reason I want to move!”

 

Jensen laughed, “And you call me princess!” giving Jared a playful shove he bent over to retrieve the remnants of Jared’s shirt to clean himself up.

 

“Jensen,” Jared’s voice was thick and shaky, as he watched in fascination, “Um…. you’re definitely the princess in this relationship.”

 

“And why’s that?” Jensen asked puzzled as he threw Jared his shirt.

 

“Because,” Jared’s voice was tight, as he moved closer, “you’re gonna be the girl!” The confused surprise on Jensen’s face turned into shock as Jared hoisted Jensen over his shoulder and headed for his bedroom.

 

****

 

It was early the next morning when Jared woke to an unfamiliar ache in parts of his body that he wasn’t used to. As he rolled onto his side he found himself touching the warm body of a man he knew so well and two things suddenly struck him. The first was that his illustrious ex co-star and friend, Jensen Ackles was in his bed. The second was, and Jared made a point of absorbing every minute detail, that said co-star was most assuredly naked. 

 

Laying on his front, arms buried beneath a pillow, Jensen slumbered blissfully unaware of Jared’s stare. With his back exposed, Jared was sorely tempted to count the multitude of freckles that littered Jensen’s skin, fingers itching to trace down his spine to where the sheet skimmed low across his hips. 

 

It was altogether an incredibly edible sight, which Jared thought he could quickly become accustomed to, and his mind drifted back to the moment he had unceremoniously dumped Jensen on his bed. 

 

Tossed onto the super king size bed, Jensen had pulled Jared forward by his hips with an evil glint in his eye. Repaying, Jared’s blatant mistreatment by introducing him to the numerous and agonisingly, talented abilities of his mouth and tongue. Jared had to admit Jensen sucking his dick had him struggling not to blow his load straight away, hips twitching frantically with every teasing lick. Jared was seriously considering rededicating his Oscar in Jensen’s honour.

 

This development in their relationship was a natural organic thing, and Jared was more than willing to reciprocate, initiating a few fantasies of his own. They knew each other so well it was an intoxicating mix of grinding bodies and sex. And yeah, Jared could go with that, already incredibly turned on by the images of last night on constant replay in his head and Jensen’s close proximity, he was now having a hard time keeping his hands to himself. He wanted to touch Jensen, feel sweaty skin sliding beneath his body. He wanted to lick his way down those freckles, inch by glorious inch. Yeah, touch him, lick him and hold him down by his wrists, as he fucked him hard all over again.

 

It was too irresistible to resist and Jared slowly dragged the sheet away, as he ran his hands up Jensen’s thighs.

 

“I can hear you thinking,” Jensen mumbled, eyes still shut.

 

Jared smiled self consciously, “Sorry, can’t help it. Not used to having all of this to hand when I wake up. Made me think of last night when we….” he blushed unable to finish the sentence.

 

“Now you’re shy?” Jensen opened his eyes, thoroughly amused, “You’ve been buried balls deep in my ass and now you’re embarrassed? You are way too cute!”

 

“Jensen!” Jared gasped shocked.

 

Jensen groaned and rolled over, grabbing hold of Jared’s hand, “Well, it’s true! Every damn word. Seriously Jay, how can you wake up and play the innocent maid after a hot night like that?”

 

“I’m….I’m naturally reserved.”

 

“If that was you being reserved, I’m Santa Claus! Jared, I know exactly what you were thinking and don’t pretend any different. There is no way you woke up this morning and did not want a repeat of last night. Besides it just wouldn’t be polite!”

 

Jared smiled and kissed Jensen’s fingers, running his tongue across the tips, “Well, maybe you do have a point,” he conceded.

 

“I swear you’re determined to turn us into a couple of freakin’ girls, havin’ to do all this talkie stuff, but….as we are, I do want you to know something.”

 

“Sounds serious,” Jared paused, holding Jensen’s hand across his heart. 

 

“Yeah, well that’s chicks for you,” Jensen joked sighing sadly, “Anyway I want you to know that I said a lot of things to you, before the accident I didn’t mean. I know they had to hurt. What happened, it wasn’t your fault, Jared. It was mine.”

 

“Don’t Jen,” Jared shook his head, “Don’t try to excuse what I did. I was thinking that eventually you would want to settle down and have a wife and kids,” he lowered his head, “I didn’t give you any chance to explain what you really wanted.”

 

“We all walk away from shit sometimes, Jared. I could have handled it better. You didn’t put a drink or car keys in my hand. I did that all on my own. I kept it hidden from you how I felt. I let you walk away when I should have said something. I could have let you know how much I wanted this.”

 

Jared regarded Jensen, seeing him with all his flaws and insecurities. It had been easy to be blinded by the facade Jensen presented to the world. But he was so much more than an adorable face. Charm and wit Jensen would always have in abundance, but laughter and love he didn’t let happen so easy.

 

“Jared, you’re like my perfect script, that once in a lifetime role that lands in your lap. The best job you can ever hope for. You’re my leading role Jared; my very own star. You have been since we started Supernatural and you always will be. Nothing will ever change that.”

 

And there it was, all laid bare for Jared to see. Jensen had just thrown his heart in front of the speeding train, to hell with the brakes. Jared could either accept what he offered or he could tell him no and walk away, “Considering I’ve sure done a great job of screwing it up so far,” Jared said ruefully, “I don’t expect you to believe me but you gotta know, I want to stop getting it wrong. I want this Jensen. I’m in 100%. Shit, we really are a couple of silly girls.”

 

“Well, I for one,” Jensen said quietly, leaning over to pin Jared to the mattress, “have no problem with being the girl,” and he raised a none too subtle eyebrow at him, “Unless of course you’re up for a challenge?”

 

Jared squirmed as fire rumbled in his belly and he eagerly moved his body against Jensen’s, “In case,” teeth skimming Jensen’s shoulder, “you didn’t notice,” biting at his neck, “I’m up….fuck….for anything!”

 

Jensen’s eyebrow arched higher as his hands slipped lower, “Prove it!” he said with a throaty laugh.

 

Jared did, pulling Jensen’s arms to his sides as he hooked his legs around to flip them over. Tangled in sheets, Jensen offered no resistance, surrendering to Jared’s searching gaze and wandering hands, desperately trying to stave off a whimper. But it was hard. CAPITAL fuckin letters hard not to unravel as Jared touched him. 

 

And Jared, he didn’t give a damn what this thing they had labelled him. It thrilled him a little more each time Jensen gasped his name, growling low, taking everything that he was offered. No, Jared didn’t care if he appeared on every magazine cover in the country brandishing his own gay placard. This was them. Their moment, cherished with every manic thrust. A well rehearsed dance that built slowly, harsh breathy gasp at a time. And Jensen was urging Jared on, harder, faster - wanting more, needing to feel that painful burn, as he writhed and chanted Jared’s name. It was madness, a crescendo of pleasure that gradually ebbed into a sensuous rhythm; where sex was blown away into making love.

 

“I’ve wanted,” Jared panted, movements erratic as he struggled to hold back, “you for so long.”

 

Jensen thoroughly debauched cried out as a sudden explosion of thick heat flooded his body and Jared muffled his own cries into his shoulder, ending with the only word possible, “Jensen!”

 

****

 

Tired. So, very tired. Jared needed sleep. He had no bones. They were gone, dissolved into liquid heat in the most perfect way possible. Loving Jensen.

 

Jensen smiled as he caught Jared’s awed look, “I’m sorry we didn’t do this sooner,” he said quietly, I’m sorry for not being honest sooner but I’m glad I hung on to my dream. I’m glad I stayed around for you.”

 

“Are we turning into girls again?” Jared sighed into Jensen’s shoulder.

 

Kissing, Jared’s sweaty brow, Jensen shrugged, “Nah! I’m happy. I’m just glad we did this.”

 

“Me too,” and Jared couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer.

 

****

 

When he awoke, Jared realised it was gone midday and Jensen was on the edge of the bed, fully clothed and pulling on his shoes.

 

“Where are you going?” Jared couldn’t hide the edge of fear creeping into his voice.

 

“I have an appointment I can’t get out of,” Jensen shrugged apologetically, stealing a soft lingering kiss.

 

“Can’t you cancel?”

 

“Sadly, no,” Jensen laced his fingers with Jared’s, “I don’t want you to worry about us anymore. Or about anything else that follows. Last night was ours and that’s all that matters. I can’t deny that it’s not going to be easy, every day will be a struggle but you make sure you know in your heart,” he tapped Jared’s chest for emphasis, “that I love you.”

 

Jared had been expecting many things but not that. Sure, he had known Jensen loved him but to have a declaration ….was quite another and Jared didn’t know if he would be able to return the sentiment in words.

 

“Don’t worry,” Jensen’s lips hovered over Jared’s, “You can always tell me later. I understand.”

 

Jared replied with a messy kiss and rueful smile, “Thanks.”

 

“I have to go,” Jensen pulled reluctantly away, hands and fingers lingering as long as possible. Releasing Jared he headed out of the bedroom, “Later, Jay,” he called and Jared heard the front door click shut. 

 

It wasn’t many seconds after, Jared’s cell rang. Thinking it was Jensen, smiling he picked it up. 

 

But it wasn’t Jensen, it was Christian Kane.

 

“Jared,” Chris’s voice was oddly strained.

 

Instantly, Jared was alert, Chris hadn’t said anymore than his name but it was enough, and his heart pounded harder, pulsing beat after pulsing beat, “I’m sorry, Jay. I’m at the hospital, its Jensen - shit....you need to get here its bad.”

 

“What?” How could Jensen be at the hospital when he’d only just climbed out of Jared’s bed? 

 

“I didn’t want to phone before but he’s been getting worse for weeks.”

 

Jared didn’t wait to hear anymore. He flew out of bed, running for the door. It couldn’t be. But he had a sick sinking feeling. How could Jensen be….in the hospital….so ill, when he’d been with Jared? When they’d been making love. Finally getting it together. 

 

Knowing Jensen couldn’t have possibly reached the elevator yet and ignoring the fact that he was naked, Jared wrenched open his apartment door. But the corridor was empty and they only thing that filled it were his screams, as he collapsed to his knees, “Jensen!”


	16. Chapter 16

  
Author's notes: My heart  


* * *

Jared hadn’t moved by the time Chad arrived at his apartment twenty minutes later. Called by Chris, when he heard Jared’s scream, as he hadn’t disconnected the call, Chad was wild eyed and shocked to discover Jared crouched into a ball, eyes glazed, naked in his doorway. 

 

“Jay,” Chad bent down and tapped his arm, “You okay? Chris called and told me what was happening he was worried you were freaking out.”

 

Jared’s head slumped onto his arms, “Jensen.”

 

“Yeah, man I know,” Jared really didn’t look good, “Look we need to get you over to the hospital. But you need to go put some clothes on?”

 

Jared looked at him blankly, “Jensen!” he repeated more urgently.

 

“Dude, you’re acting a bit weird. Why, are you in your doorway naked?”

 

It looked as if Jared might say Jensen again, but, thankfully, he just sighed and shrugged his shoulders. Glancing cautiously down the corridor, Chad was relieved to see that Jared’s neighbour must be out, but he was fully aware and worried that someone else might come up. The last thing Jared needed right now was a full sized spread of him without his clothes on. Jared was behaving strangely, even given the news, and Chad didn’t know what trip he was on but it didn’t look like a good one, “Come on let’s get you in to the shower. You stink!” Chad wrinkled his nose he was beginning to suspect, Jared had taken some strong shit. 

 

With a little more cajoling, Chad managed to get Jared on his feet and directed him back into the privacy of his own home. He was a pathetic sight. Tear stained cheeks, sweat rumpled hair and dried bodily fluids; not even Chad wanted to think to closely about.

 

“Bathroom, Jay. We don’t have all day,” Chad said, firmly pushing him towards the door at the end of the hall, “You think you can manage in their alone, or have I got to come in and scrub your ass?”

 

Jared glared, the first genuine sign of comprehension registering in his eyes.

 

“Good you’re back with us. Now get cleaned up, while I find you some clothes.”

 

Not bothering to shut the bathroom door, Jared followed Chad’s instruction, moving on auto pilot. It was unreal. Jensen. Last night. Everything. It had never happened. Had it? Jared tensed, ducking his head under the scolding spray, but he knew it had. It was real! He could feel the stubble burn on his chin, the sweet ache of muscles stretched beyond their usual limits, he could taste Jensen on his lips, feel the lingering touch of his hands like fire upon his skin. He didn’t know what was happening, or why, but Jensen had been here. He’d been with Jared. 

 

Jared closed his eyes, remembering the slightest details from the second Jensen had turned up at his door. And slowly, with mounting horror, he began to unearth the pieces of this devastating puzzle - Unfinished business, Jensen had said. He concentrated harder, determination linking it all together, identifying the chances he had been given to turn Jensen down and run away - Are you sure Jared? 

 

Oh, Jared could see it now, the questions Jensen had asked, worded so they held a double edged meaning. 

 

And,….oh, please no! No! No! No! Jared had played right along with him.

 

Unwittingly, stumbling headlong into it, providing Jensen with all the right answers, a thousand times you could ask me and the answer would be – yes! 

 

It was too much. Jared braced his arms against the wall, as water pounded down his back. It had been real. It had. It had. And – Jared’s head snapped back up, so quickly he swallowed huge lungful’s of steaming water. It had been a warning, a wonderful and elaborate temptation and he had played willingly into Jensen’s hands - if tonight were the only night we ever had, my answer would still be the same – yes! A million times – yes!”

 

Jensen’s one night deal was coming back to haunt him.

 

“Damn you, Jensen,” Jared muttered, “why did you do this to me? To us?”

 

The only reply was the sound of falling water. And honestly, Jared’s answer was already in his heart, hidden in the simple truth that he would probably never get one. 

 

Not in this lifetime.

 

“Jay!” Chad’s voice cutting through the rise of steam, “Get your ass out of that fuckin’ shower and get a move on!” 

 

Jared could have stayed in the shower forever. Stayed in there and ignored the outside world completely, because he would have nothing left if the one person he desired above all else left him. If Jensen…. No, don’t go there, his mind shrieked, You’ll make it true if you even think it. 

 

Wearily, he dragged himself out dazed and confused. Somehow he had to pull himself together and face what was waiting for him at the hospital. 

 

He stood in the middle of his room staring at the bed and the rumpled sheets. It had been so real - he could picture Jensen lying there, body warm and lightly tanned. He could hear his laughter, light and happy. He could close his eyes and - Chad threw an arm across his shoulders, “We don’t have to go you know? People would understand if you stayed away.”

 

“No, it’s, okay,” Jared shook his head, “I can do this.”

 

He looked utterly defeated and Chad’s heart reached out to him, “Jay?” 

 

But Jared brushed him off, “Don’t. Don’t say anything. What sort of a person would I be if I didn’t go to him?”

 

“But you don’t want to go?” Chad replied softly.

 

“No,” and the word slipped past Jared’s lips in a broken sob, “I can’t….I can’t….” he struggled for breath, “Tell me Chad?” desperation straining his voice, “How do you watch someone die? How do you stand there and see them slip away and know there’s not a damn thing you can do about it?” Jared’s eyes were wild as he begged, “Tell me? For Gods Sake, tell me, please!” 

 

“I….” Chad looked perplexed, scraping back his hair, not knowing what to say.

 

“Do you tell them that you love them?” Jared whispered, collapsing against the wall, he didn’t know, he just didn’t know, “Do you hold their hand and tell them it won’t matter soon, because they’ll be in a better place?”

 

“Jared, don’t do this to yourself, you can’t be sure….”

 

“Don’t I?” Jared insisted with conviction, “Chad I know. I know!”

 

“Okay, maybe you do,” Chad implored, “But you’ll find away through this Jared. You will.”

 

“Well, maybe I don’t want to,” and Chad shuddered, because there was too much truth in Jared’s words. Way too much for him to be comfortable with. 

 

Two tears tracked down Jared’s face, one for grief and the other guilt. 

 

And as his world fell and kept on falling Jared had a sudden thought that maybe it was his guilt that refused to let Jensen go. Maybe it wasn’t love, maybe it was something he’d twisted to make it feel like it. 

 

No. His heart denied it. 

 

The Jensen who had been with him tonight hadn’t made him feel that way. He’d made Jared feel more alive than he ever had. And Jared had loved him in return. As they’d always done before they’d found each other. They would always find each other.

 

And there was the hope Jared had been blindly searching for. Tonight hadn’t been about taking chances it had been about regaining faith. Faith in one another. 

 

Faith and love.

 

And if Jared had his faith then maybe, just maybe Jensen had some left too.

 

“We have to go,” Jared turned on Chad, flying into motion, “You have to get me to the hospital as quickly as you can.”

 

“Jared?”

 

But Jared was throwing on clothes, grabbing keys and locking doors, “We need to go now Chad.”

 

The journey was made in silence, Chad anxiously worrying if he’d need to have Jared admitted for observation and Jared hoping desperately he’d get his miracle

 

****

 

At the hospital they were directed to intensive care, where outside Christian Kane, looking exhausted and like he hadn’t slept in day’s, was waiting for them.

 

“Jared,” Chris looked solemn, “I’m sorry.”

 

For a second Jared’s heart stopped, body rigid. He was too late. Too late. But then Chris shook his head, “He’s alive but….he’s, shit, Jared, it’s not….” He couldn’t finish the sentence, tears welling in his eyes, throat clogging with emotion.

 

“Can I see him,” Jared asked; voice steady. He could do this. He had to. He had to hold it together long enough to see Jensen. He needed to see him. Jensen was the only one who had any answers regarding last night and although he couldn’t answer Jared, at least Jared could talk to him, tell him everything he should have said to his face. 

 

Chris sighed, “Yeah, of course, man. You can be alone with him for awhile, everyone’s gone to grab some rest and a drink,” he turned to Chad, “We should….,” he gestured with his head towards the elevators.

 

Chad hesitated, unsure if leaving Jared alone was such a good idea. 

 

“Please, Chad,” Jared begged, “I need to do this. I know you’re worried but trust me, I’m okay.” Desperation aching in every bone within his body, Jared’s eyes held Chad’s, “I’m okay,” he reiterated.

 

Chad nodded he could worry about Jared’s sanity later, “Okay. Go see your boy.”

 

Slapping, Chris affectionately on the shoulder, Jared walked to Jensen’s door, took a deep breath and went inside. 

 

If it were possible Jared’s heart broke all over again. 

 

Jensen was wired up to machines and a ventilator pumped air into his lungs. What had been purple tinged skin below his eyes had darkened to dirty grey and he looked small and so defenceless, so lost.

 

“Jensen,” little more than a whispered sob, Jared stumbled towards the bed and sat down on a chair vacated by a previous visitor. Oh, this hurt. It hurt so damned much.

 

“I don’t….I don’t know where to start,” he said sadly, taking hold of one of Jensen’s hands, “I don’t know if this is where you expect it to end? If you want this to be the end of us? I just don’t know anything anymore!” tears brimming over, looking away, averting his eyes, “Are you punishing me? Did you want me to feel as much pain as I put you through?”

 

But Jensen wasn’t the sort of man to do that. He might live in his own headspace too much or be angry enough to shut things out of his life, but he was never cruel. And Jared knew this. 

 

Forcing, himself to look back at Jensen, Jared gulped, words tumbling from his mouth in a rush, “Last night, I know it was real. I know it was you,” he choked back his tears, “What did you think Jen, you could say goodbye? Was this your way of moving on? Or were you trying to get me to stop you? Are you testing my faith in us? Tell me? I have to know, I have to stop this.”

 

Jensen’s reply was the soft rise and hissing fall of the ventilator.

 

The silence was endless and Jared didn’t want to break it. To do so meant that he would be sealing the end to something that had never gotten started. He doesn’t understand the last twenty four hours but strangely he also doesn’t care anymore. All that matters is now. Right here in this antiseptic room. Jared doesn’t want to let Jensen down. He doesn’t want this to be the only moment that defined who they were. 

 

He only wants Jensen - the one person who has always had so much faith in him. And Jared can’t let him down. Not now, not ever. 

 

This hospital room with Jensen lying there, slowly losing his battle to survive, everything that tore them apart and everything they missed out on – it makes him angry, angrier than Jared’s ever been before. It fills him to the brim burning his veins. 

He won’t let go. He can’t ever let go.

 

Because he can’t. And he needs Jensen to feel how much he wants this. If there was ever a time he needs Jensen to want this, its now. He wants Jensen to have faith. 

 

“Well, I won’t let this be it! You here me?” Jared shouted, “They all think that you’re going to check out on us. But you’re not! I won’t let you,” he leaned forward whispering brokenly in Jensen’s ear, “I love you, Jensen. You got that, I damn well love you! I won’t say goodbye. I won’t.”

 

Wiping ineffectively at his tears, Jared kissed Jensen on the side of his head, before standing to his full height, “I’m gonna wait for you, Jensen. I promise. As long as it takes. You got that? As long as it takes. I’ll wait.”


	17. Chapter 17

  
Author's notes: Turning circles  


* * *

Eight Months Later

 

 

Jared stared at the contract in front of him. All he had to do was put pen to paper and sign. 

 

It sounded simple but for Jared, it wasn’t.

 

“Dude, grow some will you and sign the damn thing already,” Chad was beyond bored, Jared had been willing the letters off the pages for the last two hours, “Last time I checked you didn’t have X-ray vision, you weren’t psychic, and you can’t possibly know how this will turn out!”

 

Jared glowered, trying desperately to remind himself why exactly he and Chad were still friends. Oh, that was right Chad had been the glue, which had held him together for the last two years. Through the bad and down into the darkness where even the nightmares refused to go. He’d been Jared’s anchor to sanity; the only person that had kept him going. 

 

Chad could be infuriating and lack any kind of verbal censor but he always had Jared’s best interests at heart. Jared couldn’t help wondering if Chad would have burned the script if he’d known what it had contained, as he’d accidentally bumped into the courier in the elevator and handed the envelope over to Jared. 

 

Because the script, Jared was holding was bringing back memories; reigniting embers of a fire that had never burned out. 

 

Jared’s face dropped as he thought of his old friend and co-star, he missed him. Not a day went by that Jared didn’t think of Jensen and wish that things had been different. That he had taken a hold of their magic and kept it tight, never letting go. Jensen was his soul and his heart and he had taken both with him when he left.

 

“Shit!” Chad frowned, chucking yesterday’s newspaper at him, “I know that look, you’re thinking about fuckin’ Ackles again!”

 

“Don’t!” Jared warned, ducking his head as the paper sailed past, “It’s kind of hard not to under the circumstances,” he waved the contract, “I didn’t think this would ever happen. And I wish it hadn’t.”

 

“Tell Kripke then you can’t do it. He’d understand. Hell, everyone would understand.”

 

Jared rubbing tired eyes, stretched as he stood up and moved into the kitchen to grab a couple of beers, “Can’t risk it,” he sighed, offering a beer to Chad, twisting the cap off his own, “I refuse and then the whole damn media circus starts all over again. Now more than ever, I can’t let that happen.”

 

“Fuck, Jay,” Chad chucked the cap in the waste basket, “Don’t you think you’ve hidden this secret for long enough? You’ve done everything the lawyers, doctors and Kane asked of you. Besides are you sure that they will agree to this?” Chad pointed at the script, “Will they want Jensen starring alongside you again?”

 

And that was the question of the hour. Would Jensen sign? Would Jensen commit to a big screen version of Supernatural? 

 

Eight months ago, Jensen wasn’t supposed to be doing anything ever again. His health steadily detiorating, while he was in a coma, he hadn’t been expected to survive. But Jared had desperately clung to the hope that his dream vision of Jensen had been sending him a message. Have faith. Jared had prayed and prayed that his dream wasn’t just that – a dream. He’d sat beside Jensen’s bedside and poured out his heart. Everything he’d buried deep inside over the six years breaking to the surface. 

 

And somehow Jared’s hope and faith that Jensen would hear him; that he wanted Jared enough to stay proved right. And against all predictions to the contrary, Jensen had rallied, and after a year in limbo had actually woken up. 

 

Jensen gradually came around, sore, irritable and with absolutely no memory of anything he had done since 2004. 

 

Jared had been wiped from Jensen’s existence in one clean sweep. 

 

Jared had been received the news quietly, nodding his head with simple acceptance. But one thing Jared had learned from Jensen was how to put on a public face, and inside he was falling apart. Jared was torn between the utter relief that Jensen was not only alive but awake and recovering and the devastating blow, that he had lost all chance of rectifying his mistakes. His hopes of building a life with Jensen dying the moment he had woken up. 

 

It had been Christian Kane who, eventually, came over to deliver yet more crushing news, “He doesn’t remember Jared. Not you, not Supernatural, or anyone else since he finished Smallville.”

 

Just like that, six years gone in the snap of a finger. 

 

Jared was a name on a piece of paper and nothing more. He was an actor whose name happened to appear on the same TV website as Jensen’s. 

It was wrong and so, damned unfair. To know Jensen lived and breathed, that he laughed and smiled with all those who loved him but not with Jared. Never with Jared. 

And it was desperately hard for Jared to know he was excluded, his name anathema. 

 

Kane had been instructed to explain a very harsh decision, albeit delivered with some sadness in his eyes. Any coverage from Jensen’s days on Supernatural would be withheld from him, papers would be hidden and the internet barred. And most importantly there should be no awkward questions raised and no innuendo as his relationship with Jared. This was what the lawyers were demanding and the doctors enforcing at least in the short term. It was crucial, Chris stressed, to Jensen’s recovery, brain injuries and amnesia were delicate, they had to abide by the recommendations. Jared let it slide; the most important step was for Jensen to recover his strength, to mend his body and his mind. 

 

Those following months had been tough and Jared hadn’t any idea how he got through them. It had passed in a blur of faked smiles, as he’d paraded in front of the cameras and lied. Lied that he had spoken to Jensen, that they were planning to meet up and rekindle old acquaintances. Mentally distraught, he returned to his old ways when he was in pain, with sufficient alcohol every night to fell a small elephant and enough sex to impress the most hard working porn star. And at the end of the night he had Chad. Chad who would sober him up, stick his head under a cold shower and ensure that whatever Jared did was as discreet as possible. It was a difficult job to do and for four months, Chad had a hard time keeping up with Jared’s movements and bed hopping skills. 

 

But it was the only outlet Jared had. He could do no more. He couldn’t argue with the rules laid out in such precise black and white, no matter how much he wanted to. 

 

And now….now it was all turned on its head. Eric Kripke had written a film script, a film script Jared had to admit rocked, and the execs who held the purse strings had insisted that both Jared and Jensen had to be on board for it to be given a green light, or it was a no go.

 

It came as little surprise when Chris reappeared the morning after Jared had received his script. Already sick of the sight of Christian Kane, Jared had begun to loathe the man. They had never had the easiest of relationships and with all of all the deception and deliberate lies it was made even worse. Chris only got in contact these days, in his capacity as a messenger boy, delivering stipulations and commands. 

 

“He wants to do this and we can’t stop him. Physically he’s better but….Jared, he still doesn’t remember. He….” Chris sighed deeply, “he hasn’t seen the stuff that the fans wrote about you and he hasn’t seen any of the convention clips….”

 

“What?” Jared interrupted surely Jensen had his freedom back by now, “How? What have you done? Continued to censor everything he’s had access to?”

 

Chad, who had followed Chris up to Jared’s top floor apartment, pulled a face, “Fuck, Chris you’ve got a ticking time bomb on your hands!”

 

“It wasn’t my decision you know!” angrily Chris paced Jared’s lounge, “But, it’s done, he hasn’t seen any of it. And he’s beginning to ask why. He’s adamant he wants to be a part of something that obviously meant a lot to him. Jared, I hate to ask this….to say it,” Chris searched Jared’s face, “Please don’t sign. Don’t do this. Don’t do it to him again.”

 

“Don’t do what? Love him?” Jared snapped, “Don’t tell him that when he almost died and that he was gonna take a big part of me with him?”

 

“No, don’t let him down! Walk away now before you do it again!”

 

“Fuck, you just had to!” Jared bunched his fists, “Can’t leave it alone for a second. Can’t you understand I love him? That I’ve never gotten over him?” he was yelling, “Jensen’s a grown man. He doesn’t need you fighting his corner for him. He’s never asked you to and he wouldn’t expect it, even now.” 

 

Chad grabbed Jared’s arm in time to prevent him taking a swing at Chris, “Stop it, Jay he’s not worth it.”

 

“You should listen to Murray,” Chris grimaced, hardly able to believe he was saying it, “He knows you shouldn’t do this. Tell him Chad! Go on tell him he should leave well alone!”

 

Jared froze, “Chad?”

 

“I don’t think you should sign,” Chad replied willing Jared to trust him, “You and Jensen, you’re just too …damn complicated. You’ve fucked up every time. You’re these two fantastic guys who love each other but can’t ever seem to work it out. When you’re together it’s crazy and destructive.”

 

They were telling him to let go. They knew Jared was heavily invested, hell the guy deserved a break, but this thing with Jensen was just too deep. Chad and Chris had witnessed so many false starts, one more breakdown and it could be more than Jensen they might have to consider saying goodbye to.

 

“No,” Jared wrenched his arm free of Chad, scowling at Chris as he picked up his discarded script, “I doing it,” he waved it under their noses, “I’m doing this!” snatching a pen he scribbled his signature across the bottom.

 

Supernatural had taken blood, sweat and tears in the five years it had run for. Jared was going to push it for a little bit more. Jared was going to push himself for every scrap of energy to get through it.

 

“I’m doing this for him,” Jared stressed, “I’ll keep my silence. I promise. I won’t ask him for anything,” he said desperately, “But if he comes to me….” he left the sentence hanging. It was a warning. A promise.

 

Chad and Chris looked at each other. This was one feature that showed every possibility that it could run and run.

 

****

 

One hundred and sixty four days later, Jared was back in Vancouver, in a rented house only a street away from the one he had owned. It was disturbing to be in a house so similar and Jared’s first thought, when he had seen it, was that he couldn’t stay here. It reminded him of a place where there were too many memories. He had so much baggage that he had chucked into boxes and never thrown away.

 

But with his dogs for company he was settling in. Getting used to the familiar scenery once again, visiting old haunts that had Jared and Jensen etched into every nook and cranny. 

 

And of course best of all, the Supernatural machine was winding up for action. Kripke buzzing around locations checking that they had the fine detail right. There were even some recognisable faces amongst the crew, happy to be back on board what had been a family and not just a show. 

 

Jared loved it, every bit of it. He was itching to get back on set, to revive Sam and let the magic out.

 

Sam Winchester. One half of a whole, just like him and Jensen were supposed to have been.

 

But Jensen wasn’t back in Vancouver yet. Word on the grapevine was he was struggling to get back into a character. Unsurprising, given he had no memory of playing Dean Winchester. Jared assumed he was watching the old seasons and trying to catch up but, still, his silence and absence was disturbing.

 

It wasn’t until a week before filming commenced that Jared had any inkling as too what was afoot and as per usual it was Christian Kane that turned up on his doorstep.

 

“Oh, for fucks sake!” Jared exploded as he opened the door, he’d been on his way out anyway, and the dogs rushed past him to mob Chris. 

 

“You too, Padalecki,” Chris replied sourly, bending to fuss the dogs as Jared opened the back door of his truck, shooing them inside.

 

“What do you want this time?” Jared shut the door with a bang.

 

“A favour.”

 

“What? You want….Are you mad? A favour? Why? Why, would I do you any favours?”

 

“It’s not for me,” Chris replied calmly, “It’s for Jensen.”

 

Jensen. And all thoughts of refusal vanished from Jared’s head.

 

“What does he need?”

 

Chris pulled a face, “To talk to you.”

 

“Me?”

 

“You know any other Jared Padalecki’s? Of course you!” Chris still retained his ability to be cutting Jared noticed, “He needs help,” Kane continued, “He’s watched all the old episodes but he can’t get into Dean’s character properly. He says something’s missing. He thinks if he can talk to ‘Sam’ he might be able to sort it out,”

Chris looked distinctly uncomfortable.

 

“Was it Jensen that referred to me as Sam or is that just your wishful thinking?” Jared asked, defensively.

 

“Actually,” Chris replied, shoving his hands in his pockets, “it was Jensen.” Blue eyes, cool as a spring morning looked at Jared with pity. For Jensen there was nothing left. 

 

Jared was Sam Winchester, brother of Dean, no more and no less.

 

“Oh….” And really what else could Jared say to that?

 

“So, can he?” Chris prompted.

 

“Um….” Jared leaned against his truck, the shiny black paint stark contrast against his pale face, “I guess….” he had to do this. He owed it to Jensen, to the show he had left behind.

 

“Good. Well, I expect he’ll want to come over later….”

 

“What!” Jared interrupted, “Come over? Jensen wants to come here?”

 

Rolling his eyes Chris sighed, “Yeah, he thinks it would be best kept off set. Doesn’t want too many people knowing, you get that don’t you?”

 

And there was the barb hidden in the subtext, Jared flinched, “Sure. Tell him,” his voice wobbled and he coughed to clear his throat, “Tell him to come over tonight, we can run a few lines.”

 

Chris nodded and backed off quickly, his eagerness to be away from Jared and possibly this whole disaster visible in the tense line of his shoulders, as he walked over to his rental car.

 

Jared released the breath he’d been holding and gulped. Jensen was coming over. They were going to talk for the first time in almost two years. Faith, hope, and everything he’d prayed for was coming true. It was going to be one hell of a reunion.


	18. Chapter 18

  
Author's notes: Gambling on the replay  


* * *

Jared had fluffed every cushion four times and tided his entire house twice in an effort to release some of the nervous energy he was carrying. It hadn’t worked. Desperate, he went for a run but as he pounded along the sidewalk he still couldn’t think straight. Every tune on his ipod reminded him of Jensen, each lyric achingly poignant. It was hopeless. Recognising running away simply wasn’t working, Jared cut short his work out and jogged home, abruptly coming to a stand still just a few steps short of his driveway.

 

There was a figure on his doorstep who wasn’t Christian Kane.

 

A figure in faded blue jeans and a dark green shirt. He was profiled in the late afternoon sunshine and was wearing shades, so that Jared couldn’t clearly make out his face but he knew who it was. It simply couldn’t be anyone else. He knew that body as well as he knew his own.

 

“Jensen,” Jared whispered involuntary unable to keep the words inside.

 

And the figure was turning towards him, and heartbreakingly it didn’t matter in the slightest when he said, “Its Jared isn’t it?”

 

Jared solemnly nodded. Jensen was here and that was all that mattered.

 

Jensen took off his shades and smiled, “It’s good to meet you.”

 

He held his hand out and Jared simply stared at him. He was here. He was really here? And for a good five minutes Jared couldn’t do anything more than blink. Checking Jensen over with a critical eye, marvelling at how well he looked and at how absolutely downright fuck me gorgeous he was. 

 

Jensen shifted nervously, withdrawing his hand, “Look if this is a bad time, I can always come back later?”

 

Jared tilted his head confused and then he realised he hadn’t taken the offered hand or said anything, “What? No, no it’s fine, I’m just….” he gestured to his sweats, “I wasn’t expecting you yet. Sorry, I’m hardly dressed….”

 

“Don’t worry,” Jensen smiled shyly, “I should have called but I was in too much of a hurry. Lines to learn and all,” he explained lamely.

 

“Yeah, right,” Jared replied softly, he’d forgotten how reserved Jensen could be with people he didn’t know. And what was more important, Jensen was here for Sam not for him, it was best he didn’t forget that.

 

“So, we doing this out here or what?” Jensen rolled his eyes.

 

And Jared’s stomach dropped, “What did you say?” he stammered.

 

“I asked if we going to do this - go through the script on your doorstep,” Jensen looked amused, “Dude, are you sure you’re okay?”

 

Fumbling with his keys, Jared unlocked the door ushering Jensen inside, “Yeah, I’m good.” He was far from good. For a second Jensen had rattled him with his question, he was quite certain he’d heard it during his dream, “Go through to the lounge. I’ll grab us a couple of beers,” he paused thinking of the accident, “You do drink, right?”

 

Jensen nodded awkwardly, “Yeah, in moderation. I’m not gonna be stupid enough to drink too much on an empty stomach again though. Don’t wanna spend another year out of the loop!”

 

“So - the crash?” Jared asked cautiously, “One wild night too many, huh?” he handed Jensen a beer.

 

“That’s what they tell me!” Jensen shrugged, sitting down on Jared’s couch, “I don’t remember,” he looked hard at Jared as if seeing him for the first time, “Gotta be weird,” he added quietly, “all of this. Me not remembering you or the show?”

 

“You could say that,” Jared sat down in a chair as far away from Jensen as possible.

 

“So….” Jensen stared at his shoes uncomfortably.

 

Just what they needed awkwardness. And didn’t that just speak volumes of how far they had drifted apart; awkwardness was something that they’d never had. 

 

“Let me get changed,” Jared jumped to his feet. He was so disjointed and out of sync he didn’t know where to be. Hell, he didn’t know who to be.

 

But Jensen stood alongside him and grabbed his arm, “No!”

 

It was electric. Jared felt his heart skip and the feeling zing down through his arms and into his toes. And judging by the surprise on Jensen’s face he’d felt something too.

 

“I mean you don’t have to,” Jensen finished lamely, frowning, dropping his hold on Jared’s arm.

 

“Okay.”

 

And then they ran out of words. Just stood there staring, drinking each other in. Both with questions and so few answers, wondering and analysing in much different ways. Jared could see Jensen’s fingers twitch as he stared at a curl of Jared’s hair, sticking damply to his neck. It would have made him smile if it wasn’t so damned sad.

 

“Where do you want to start?” Jared asked softly.

 

Confused green eyes, only a fraction lighter than his shirt, blinked slowly, “At the beginning, isn’t that where it always starts?”

 

Knowing Jensen wasn’t referring to them didn’t matter, for a second their connection had sparked with life, “Yeah,” Jared replied simply, “The beginning’s always good.”

 

Jared talked and talked while Jensen listened. He told him about the show to begin with, how they’d prepared for their characters and he told him how they first met, of the pranks they’d played, and of how much he’d learned from Jensen as an actor. He told him stories of things they did off set, and they talked about Texas and family. He talked about everything except their relationship, just like he’d promised Chris. At the end of it all, Jensen had nodded sagely but remained tight lipped.

 

“I just don’t see. I don’t see it, even knowing all that, how it helps,” Jensen shrugged eventually.

 

Jared sighed, “I don’t think it will either, you just….you just had to be there.”

 

There wasn’t a kinder way to put it. Jensen could learn all there was to know about those lost years but he would never truly have a feel for them, not unless his memories came back.

 

“I’m gonna go,” Jensen said at length, “I’ve had enough for one day,” he looked at Jared’s weary face, “Do you mind if I come back tomorrow, maybe we can run through those lines we were supposed to do today?”

 

“Sure,” and Jared said it with way more conviction than he felt.

 

Later, when he had time to process everything, Jared instinctively knew that after the film was finished he would always keep in touch with Jensen. They would talk on the phone and occasionally hang out but it would be nothing deeper. Not the connection they had enjoyed before. It wasn’t that they couldn’t form a new friendship, because despite the lack of memories they had a natural rhythm, bouncing effortlessly off each other. But he’d seen it in Jensen’s eyes when they had touched; the shadows of fear and absolute denial. Faith and hope were all very well but Jared needed something to keep him going. He just couldn’t do this on his own anymore. He’d been through the emotional wringer one too many times. It was too hard and he was too tired. Seeing Jensen day-in-day-out and not be able to hold him, touch or kiss him, wasn’t something he could handle anymore.

 

So, over the next few days, in Jared’s lounge, they ran through not only the new film script but several old ones Jensen had got a hold of from Eric Kripke. And Jared took it for what it was, interesting and a lot of fun for him to see how far Sam had come, and how he’d changed. 

 

And it should also have been wonderful to be rehearsing alongside Jensen as he tried to crack the complexities of Dean, but it wasn’t. Their easy rapport and blinding mix of chemistry was notably absent. And no matter how hard Jared tried he couldn’t help Jensen to recreate it.

 

It was to say the least frustrating.

 

“Fuck!” Jensen slammed his coffee mug on the table, “Why isn’t this working?”

 

Jared watched him pace the room like an angry tiger, “Dude, chill. It’ll come.”

 

Eyes flashing, Jensen glowered, “Yeah, right excuse me if I don’t quite believe you.”

 

Sitting on the couch, script in one hand as he fussed Sadie with the other, Jared kept his eyes firmly fixed on the carpet.

 

“Okay, Jared, spill!”

 

“What?”

 

“Don’t what me!” Jensen was livid, “There has to be something you’re not telling me. There has to be a reason we can’t get this working right?”

 

Keeping his face perfectly schooled, Jared shrugged, “Not that I know of.”

 

“Fantastic! You’re about as fuckin’ useful as Chris!”

 

“Chris?” Jared’s voice quivered, “What does he have to do with it?”

 

“Nothing. Oh, I don’t know everything - something. I think. He’s being very closed mouthed about stuff since we got here,” Jensen paused, “A bit like you actually.”

 

Jared let out a less than manly squeak, “I’m not doing anything.”

 

Jensen frowned and sat down next to Jared, “You are and don’t give me any of that crap it’s all down to the accident. I know it’s not. See, we’ve done the whole getting to know you routine and we’ve practised the characters and the script until I can’t see straight. And nothing is making a difference. Hell, if I can see it then the fans and critics sure will.”

 

Jared squirmed uncomfortably this was one conversation he didn’t, no scrap that, he couldn’t have. How could he tell Jensen they had chemistry before because they were more than friends? How did he say, “You see, Jensen, right from the beginning there was something between us, and although we fought hard to deny it we couldn’t escape the fact we were in love.” 

 

“There’s nothing more I can say,” Jared, eventually, replied in the vain hope Jensen would drop the subject.

 

But this was Jensen Ackles and accident or not he could smell bullshit and Jared was just full of it.

 

“Who did you say that friends of yours was, Chad?” 

 

“Huh?” now what had Chad got to do with anything.

 

“Maybe,” Jensen said slowly, “Chad can fill in the bits you and Chris seemed so determined to keep from me? I mean, was I a secret serial killer in my spare time? Or,” he searched blindly for a reason, “did I steal your girl or something?”

 

Jared sucked in a breath this was all going disastrously downhill, he had to say something, anything, and clutching at a reckless straw he blurted, “No, it was the other way around I stole your girl.”

 

But it was the wrong lie. One bald faced fib too many and Jensen exploded, “Don’t fuckin’ lie to me!” he snarled, “All anyone does is fuckin’ lie and they think I don’t know! You’re all hiding something, and I’m guessing it has to do with me ending up in hospital. Well, I’ve had enough whatever it is I’m gonna find out!”

 

Stalking towards the door, Jensen grabbed his coat and cell determined to find someone, anyone who would tell him the truth. And Jared’s mind was spinning, Jensen leaving angry, walking away was too close an imitation from the night of his accident. Shit, this was beyond bad. He couldn’t let Jensen leave and he couldn’t let him uncover the truth from some ruthless hack. Jared was running out of options, and honestly didn’t he want Jensen to know the truth? Didn’t he want to stop playing by the rules that everyone had laid down? Jensen was better now, wasn’t it time he took control of his life again?

 

“I can’t tell you,” Jared got to his feet, “I promised I wouldn’t,” he added quietly.

 

“Promised? Promised who?” Jensen froze, “You need to tell me right now?” his anger was far from abated, stewing gently it simmered, waiting for that secret ingredient to set it off. 

 

“Kane, your family, the doctors, just about everyone who knew exactly why you ended up in hospital,” Jared replied anxiously.

 

“But knew what, Jared?” Jensen huffed, “I already knew they were keeping things from me, maybe, I should pull a few newspapers from when my accident happened?”

 

“No!” that would be an awful way to find out, “Don’t, please anything but that,” Jared implored, he had read some of the articles, speculation had been rife and fuelled by numerous photo’s of Jared’s gaunt face.

 

“Then fuckin’ tell me?”

 

And they were back to standing on the edge of the cliff. Swaying precariously, Jared weighed up what was at stake – did he want to risk the tentative friendship he’d rebuilt with Jensen? No. Could he live with losing him all over again? No. Was what they had now enough for him to survive on? - Oh, right and there were the damned elephants again, and Jared had suffered more than enough of those – the answer what a big fat and emphatic NO! NO, he didn’t have enough of Jensen. Jared couldn’t live with this glass half full crap, and not for the first time in his life he wanted it all and he wasn’t about to compromise.

 

“You want to know?” Jared raised his voice, fear making him angry, “You really want to know?”

 

“Yes, I want to know!” Jensen shouted back.

 

“Jared!” a third voice cut in to their conversation, “Don’t do this.”

 

They both turned. It was Kane in the doorway, ready to collect Jensen and take him back to his hotel. 

 

“You shut the fuck up!” Jensen snapped and turned back to Jared, “And you,” he said pointedly, “keep talking!”

 

Jared stared at Chris over Jensen’s shoulder, pleading, begging Kane to let him end this. And Jensen turning his head between the two seemed to sense that Chris was swaying, hesitating and suddenly he knew that Jared had a significant part to play in his story. He held his breath as, Chris nodded his head at Jared in weary acceptance, smiling with resignation in his eyes, and there – Jared had his permission.

 

“We….we were good friends Jensen, real good friends and over the years it changed and it became something more,” Jared said gently.

 

“More….” Jensen repeated, “ More? What does that mean?”

 

Jared took a step closer, reaching out to touch Jensen’s arm, “What do you think?” he asked softly.

 

It was effortless how they could fall back into the moment. This magical silence they created, where they didn’t speak but communicated by a simple look and a fleeting touch. It was ingrained in them so deeply, the love they’d built transcending all obstacles including Jensen’s lack of memory - love, desire, hope and longing flowing from Jared into Jensen.

 

Jensen glanced down at Jared’s hand, mouth slightly parted, “Are you….” he struggled to find the words, because Jared’s touch was burning, unleashing all kinds of emotions and fuck it all to hell, it was exciting and scary and it made him want more, “Are you telling me,” oh, shit it couldn’t be, “we….” was he really going to say this, but the look on Jared’s face was making his heart dance, “us….together?” he almost squeaked the last words.

 

Jared nodded suddenly afraid of the desperation in Jensen’s eyes, “But this isn’t who….” Jensen stuttered quickly.

 

“We are,” Jared finished for him, when Jensen’s voice trailed off, “No, but it’s who we became.”

 

And they had gone full circle. Jared repeating Jensen’s words to him from all that time ago.

 

Jensen pulled his arm free, needing to be out of here, away from Jared, far away from his maddening touch, “Maybe it was, Jared but isn’t who I am now.”

 

And if Jared needed further confirmation of what he’d lost, it was when Jensen turned to Chris and ushered him out the door. Kane sighing regretfully as they left. Jared had gambled but he hadn’t won.


	19. Chapter 19

  
Author's notes: Is this where we say goodbye?  


* * *

As they had a few days before filming commenced, Jared didn’t see Jensen the next day or the one after. In fact he heard nothing from either Jensen or Chris. And the longer the silence continued the harder it got for Jared to keep himself together.

 

On a knife edge and knowing that he was pushing his luck, Jared rang Chad, he needed morale support, “Can you come up to Vancouver?” he asked plaintively

 

“Oh, fuck it all Jay, you went and told him!”

 

“I kinda had to,” Jared sighed, “Besides, Chris was there and he let me.”

 

“Yeah, and there’s a ringing endorsement!” Chad sighed, “Damn it Jared, okay I’ll catch a flight out tonight. You sure you wanna carry on with that damned movie?”

 

“Jensen’s not pulled out yet, so if he can do it then so can I.”

 

“You pair are such girls!”

 

“See, you tomorrow Chad,” and Jared rang off, he had to get to set.

 

****

 

Jensen was already in make-up by the time Jared arrived and his only acknowledgement was to watch him silently over a cup of steaming coffee.

 

Jared sighed as he settled back to be powdered and groomed, it was going to be a long and difficult day.

 

The first scenes they were shooting were, ironically, the reunion between the brothers. Sam having not seen Dean since they had averted the apocalypse. It was a simple moment built on a similar premise as the pilot - Dean, climbing through a window of Sam’s apartment in the middle of the night, only to be sprung by his ever vigilant brother. There were very few lines to learn but it was a scene they hadn’t been able to get right in rehearsal because Jensen couldn’t connect with either Dean or Sam.

 

Sam was to be in a worn t-shirt and sweat pants, hair ruffled from sleep looking for a midnight snack with his head in the refrigerator, and on hearing a noise at the back of the house moving stealthily to investigate. With Dean padding silently across the wooden floors directly into Sam’s waiting arms.

 

When the director shouted action they went for it - Sam gaining the upper hand in their first exchange of kicks and punches and Dean not turning the tables until the very end, straddling Sam with a wicked smirk.

 

Jared acted out the shot on autopilot, half expecting for the director to yell a disappointed - cut! But it didn’t come. Dean was attacking him with ferocity, and when he flipped Sam onto his back and smiled down at him with a dirty great big grin, Jared felt as if he’s been punched in the stomach. 

 

It was back! 

 

Everything they’d been trying so hard to recreate, back in one swift punch. He gasped and luckily it was in keeping with the script, because Jensen’s body was warm across his thighs and Jared couldn’t keep the surprised delight breaking across his face. The shot was perfect. 

 

From there they moved from scene to scene and recreated magic. Jensen and Jared were Sam and Dean. Just like before. Just like before but with one exception – it didn’t extend beyond the set.

 

At the end of the day, Jensen went to his hotel and Jared went home to Chad.

 

“Dude, maybe he’s got his memories back. Have you asked him?” Chad sounded fed up, Jared couldn’t blame him. Playing babysitter to a grown man, whose only handicap was a desperate longing for his co-star, was hardly fun.

 

“Nope!”

 

Jared was a lost cause. “Dude, I wanna go home! I wanna life again! You need a life again. Go pick up a waitress or something. Get laid, have fun. Quit brooding over fuckin’ Ackles.”

 

“Chad…”

 

“I know, I know,” Chad snatched Jared’s beer, mimicking his voice, “I can’t get over him. I’ll never get over him. I’m such a girl, I’ve got no balls.”

 

“That’s not funny,” Jared snatched his beer back, “And go get your own.”

 

Grumbling, Chad sloped over to the kitchen counter, “At least just say we can go out tonight? Please?” he wheedled, “I’m bored?”

 

“Okay, okay,” Jared conceded, “But no waitresses,” Chad’s eyes lit up, “and no strippers either!”

 

“You’re no fun,” Chad sulked, chucking a damp cloth at Jared’s head.

 

**** 

 

Jared tugged nervously on the fraying edges of his denim jacket thinking Chad’s ideas for fun didn’t usually tend to pan out all that well. Many a time Jared had been reduced to bailing Chad out for any number of offences that usually involved scantily clad ladies and a hot dog. But tonight, Chad’s idea of fun was quickly curtailed the second they arrived at the local bar.

 

“Of all the places we could a’ gone to we pick this one and he has to be here! I swear I’m gonna kill him!” Chad glowered, spotting Jensen and Chris only after they’d ordered their first round of drinks.

 

“They’re busy, ignore them,” Jared sighed, watching a busty blonde, in a white mini skirt, seat herself in Jensen’s lap.

 

“Huh!” Chad taking a swig of beer glanced over in the pair’s direction, “At least the dude remembers how to have a good time,” he scowled at Jared, “You could do with following his example.”

 

Jared downed his drink, eyes fixed on Jensen. He looked hot. Dressed in black slacks, green cashmere sweater and white shirt he could have stepped off the pages of Vogue. 

 

Chad obnoxiously noticed, “Man, do you get off on this on something? Watching your ex feel up some bird?”

 

Jensen’s hand was half way up the giggling woman’s skirt.

 

Jared didn’t answer. He couldn’t get past the woman’s giggles and Jensen’s wandering hand. He hated it. It was like someone stamping on his heart. 

 

“Come on, let’s grab a seat,” Chad gave up, Jared needed serious therapy.

 

But the only way over to a free booth was to walk past Jensen’s table and as soon as they did, Jensen’s hand froze and he stared at Jared.

 

“Chris,” Chad acknowledged Kane, “Hoped, I wouldn’t see your big ugly mug again.”

 

“Murray,” Chris laughed, tipping his head back to gaze curiously up at Jared, “Wasn’t expecting you to still be hanging around.”

 

“Yeah, well,” Chad, shot daggers at Jared, “Someone’s got to look after the big puppy!”

 

“Hmm, you got your work cut out there, looks like Jared has something or someone on his mind!” Chris remarked, smirking at Chad.

 

“Don’t fuckin’ encourage him!” Chad wailed, “Or we’ll be stuck at your table all freakin’ night!”

 

For any outsider watching the four of them it was hilarious, for the girl on Jensen’s lap – not so much.

 

Chad was watching Chris, who was watching Jared, who in turn couldn’t take his eyes off Jensen. And Jensen, he was looking anywhere but at Jared.

 

“O..k..a..y..” the girl blushed, “I think I’m going to leave you boys to it. You guys are freaky.”

 

“That’s one word for it,” Jared snapped.

 

“Like you’d know,” Jensen bit back, as the girl pulled down her skirt and stood up, “Maybe, later darling’” he smiled at her.

 

“Huh?” she looked between Jared and Jensen, “I don’t think so. It’s not my scene, sorry. Try Brandi, she’s up for anything.”

 

“Hey!” Chris butted in, “that’s my waitress!”

 

“Really?” Chad asked impressed, “The girl with the” he made an obscene gesture with his hands.

 

“Yeah, wanna go say hello? She’s got a friend.”

 

Chad frowned and glanced at Jared and Jensen who were reduced to glaring at each other.

 

“They’ll be fine,” Chris laughed, “I’ve decided to leave well alone. If they wanna get into this again, I’m having nothing to do with it. So, you with me?”

 

Chad beamed conspiratorially as Chris slung an arm around his shoulders, “Say, are those things real?” Chad asked curiously, as the most unlikely duo in Canadian or American history teamed up and went looking for Brandi and her very loose morals.

 

It was deathly quiet without Chris and Chad. And extremely uncomfortable now that Jared and Jensen were alone. 

 

Jared stood with a bottle in his right hand, fingers twitching restlessly and Jensen in his seat, rubbing unconsciously at his hip where the girl had been. 

 

During the TV series of Supernatural Jared remembered Jensen had always been wistful about shooting a western episode, now it looked like they were going to get one.

 

“So,” Jared started.

 

Smokey eyes looked up, “So?”

 

Jared was aiming to do nothing more than make meaningless small talk but the girl had got his back up. Jensen’s hand on her thigh had also made him all hot and bothered. He was tired, pissed off and horny to boot, while Jensen sat there looking unruffled and down right edible. It wasn’t helping.

 

And Jared just couldn’t help himself, “Look,” he blurted, “I know it must have come as a shock when I told you how we felt about each other, but is it so bad? We had some feelings for each other that went beyond friendship, it’s not a huge deal?” he mumbled with another lie, sliding into Chris’s vacant seat.

 

Jensen stared at Jared, “No,” he said unflinching, “I guess not. But it wasn’t just some feelings was it?” voice growing colder, “It was more, much fuckin’ more! Hell, dude, I’m not gay!” Jensen’s tone softened, as he added uncertainly, “And yet…., shit Jared. I’m not sure how I feel about it. ….Chris, he told me….he told me we didn’t ever work it out. And if I…if we had such a great thing going, why wouldn’t we have worked it out?” he sighed sadly, “I don’t get how I got into this and then I look at you…..”

 

Jared held his breath, “And?”

 

Jensen shrugged it off, “I dunno, seems complicated. This, this is huge. The whole career and family stuff I get why we didn’t….” he made a gesture, “you know.”

 

Nodding, Jared felt even more defeated, “I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t be,” and genuine regret flitted across Jensen’s face, “Takes two doesn’t it? Besides you went off and bagged yourself an Oscar!” 

 

Jared’s eyes widened, “Chris told you?”

 

“I caught up on some reading. You did alright,” Jensen added softly.

 

“Yeah,” Jared had almost forgotten about that, his guilty reminder.

 

“Congratulations,” and Jensen sounded so sincere.

 

Jared ducked his head, “Thanks. I was gonna send it to you but I needed it,” he looked into Jensen’s eyes, “I needed it to remind me what it had cost.”

 

Jensen didn’t reply.

 

“I’m sorry,” Jared sighed, placing his beer upon the table, “I’m sorry that I left you, I’m sorry that I let you down. Fuck, Jen I’m sorry for everything!”

 

“I get that,” Jensen kept his eyes fixed on Jared’s as he slowly stretched his hand across the table.

 

They were in the middle of a crowded public bar with all the chips on the table. 

 

Jared met him half way, interlacing his fingers with Jensen’s, “I wish things had turned out differently.”

 

“Do you?” there was no accusation, no bitterness - there couldn’t be, Jensen had no memory, he’d only read or heard it from Chris.

 

“Yeah, I do,” Jared’s voice choked, they were putting the past to rest. This was the end of their story. 

 

Almost tenderly, Jensen ran his thumb across the back of Jared’s hand, the most affection Jared had seen him give to anyone, since the day he walked out on him at the end of series five. It was telling. Almost as if Jensen was too fragile to let anybody close. To let anybody love him. 

 

“I’m gonna go,” Jared nodded, holding Jensen’s fingers still, “I can’t do this any more, Jensen. I know I said I could but….” he thought back to his dream, “I promised you once that if one night was all we ever had it would be enough, but I lied. It’s not. And it never will be.”

 

Pulling his hand free, Jared stood and walked away. He walked away from the man who had won his heart with his easy smiles and sunny laughter. He ran away from the man he loved who held his soul.

 

Outside it was raining and chilly but Jared didn’t care, he took a deep breath, tears falling down his cheeks. It was over. It was finally over. He’d actually done it, he’d said goodbye. Something he never thought he’d be able to do.

 

But Jared hadn’t counted on Jensen.

 

“Jay!” it was Jensen’s voice; rough and anxious.

 

Jared whirled around astonished, Jensen had followed him out and was standing in the rain face anguished, “Don’t do it, Jay! Don’t walk away and leave me.”

 

Jared stood stock still; Jensen hadn’t called him that since before the accident, “Why?” he asked brokenly, “What’s left to say?” “This thing has chased us round in circles so much before your accident let’s not get back into it again!”

 

“Why not?” Jensen took a hesitant step closer, unlike Jared, who had a jacket he was getting soaked, “Don’t I get a say in this?”

 

“You’ve made it pretty clear you don’t have any feelings about this - us, about me. You adamantly told me there is no - us. You don’t have any memories about any of it!” Jared was exasperated he didn’t need Jensen any closer, “And you said it loud and clear that even if you had, there were plenty of reasons not to take it any further.”

 

“I did say all of that, I know,” Jensen replied tiredly, face mirroring his confused emotions, “But…”

 

“But nothing,” Jared shook his head, “Don’t do this Jensen. Don’t! I can’t take it anymore,” and there was no way to stop the floodgates now, “I made a stupid decision and I’ve been paying for it ever since. I let you down and I lost you. I wish to God that I hadn’t and I would give anything to go back and do it differently!” Jared paused, wiping ineffectively at his tears, “All I can hope is too see you well and happy. Let me have that much. Let there be something good to come out of all of this. And please, please let me walk away, let me go.”

 

“No,” Jensen’s vehement refusal a scalding rebuke in the face of Jared’s plea, “I can’t let you go!”

 

“Damn it, no! Why Jen? Why can’t you?” 

 

And then Jensen said something, which broke Jared’s heart all over again, “I can’t because I’ve got unfinished business.”

 

NO! He couldn’t say that. He could say anything, but not those words. Because Jared remembered them all too clearly from his dream and he couldn’t face it. 

 

But it was too late the cat was out of the bag and running directly towards Jared.

 

Jared’s mouth dropped open, “Do you remember saying that?” he gasped, “Do you?”

 

Jensen nodded eyes wide and glassy stopping only inches away.

 

“But….”

 

“It wasn’t real?” Jensen replied, staring intently, “I know. But is this real?” and he lifted up his hand, fist tightening in Jared’s wet hair, pulling his head down toward his own, capturing his mouth in a long and passionate kiss, tongue slowly teasing inside Jared’s mouth.

 

And Jared’s heart burst open, clinging onto Jensen as if his life depended upon it, lungs threatening to burst as he was swept along. Moving synchronously with Jensen like they’d been doing this all their lives, but feeling it as if it was the first time they had ever kissed, “How?” he breathed, trembling when they broke apart, “How do you remember that?”

 

Jensen shrugged, “Does it matter?” he didn’t know how or why he just knew. 

 

And, hell yes, it should matter. It should matter very much, but somehow Jared couldn’t bring himself to care. He didn’t want to know anything beyond this gorgeous man enfolding himself within his arms. 

 

“No,” Jared replied, eventually, squeezing Jensen tightly, making sure he wasn’t just another dream, “I guess it doesn’t.”

 

They were standing quietly in the street, outside a bar in the pouring Vancouver rain, soaked to the skin and oblivious to anything but each other. It wasn’t perfect but it was a start. It was where their old magic combined with new, bringing them to each other. Looking at Jensen was like seeing the sun rise, basking in the golden glow and slowly warming rays. Jared had called him pretty but he was more than that, he was beautiful inside and out. 

 

Jensen was his world and Jared had just won him back.


	20. Chapter 20

  
Author's notes: Defining Moments  


* * *

“Jared, dude, step away from the damn mirror and chill,” Chad heaved a weary sigh; he’d had to suffer Jared pacing between his wardrobe and the mirror, fretting and worrying over what to wear for the last three hours. To say he was bored beyond belief was putting it mildly. 

 

Jared, determinedly ignoring Chad’s jibe, gave his blue silk tie yet another twist into place as he smoothed down his suit and turned around, “What do you think?”

 

“Awesome,” Chad muttered darkly, “I always knew you were a girl Padalecki but you’re taking this to a whole new level!”

 

“But….”

 

Chad held his hands up in warning, “Do not say his name!” he interrupted, “I get it. I really do. Hell, I think the whole of Vancouver and LA gets it by now!”

 

Jared flushed, “That’s a bit of an exaggeration.”

 

Chad stared at him in hard, “Riiighhht! Of course it is. Jared, you and Ackles have been broadcasting the lurve everywhere you go fuckin’ go! All those secret smiles and little touches, do you seriously think people walk around with their heads tucked up their arse?”

 

“We haven’t been that bad!” it was a weak protest and Jared knew it.

 

“Hmph, well let me see – the coffee shop manageress asked me if she should send Jensen’s account bill to your address,” Chad began ticking points off with his fingers, “the lady from next door asked if you were just back off honeymoon and Misha just came right to the point and asked if you were fucking yet! Do you need me to go on?”

 

Okay, well maybe Chad had made a small point. 

 

“Sort yourself out, Jared and quit with those tortured looks you and Jensen keep throwing at each other, because honestly you are so not fooling anyone. And stop inviting me around to always play chaperone, I thought you were two healthy adults in the prime of life, not two old ladies dancing around their knitting. Seriously, Jared I’m beginning to think you’ve tied a knot in the end of it!”

 

“Chad!”

 

“And don’t Chad me. Dude, you’re not gonna get him pregnant!”

 

Chad, wonderfully subtle and unerringly direct as usual had the nail firmly hit on the head, because right there was the tiny hitch in the ballad of Jared and Jensen. 

 

They were stuck, straddling the fence between friends and lovers just like they’d been since the day they had met. 

 

The whole awkwardness of how they moved this relationship forward proving to be no easier than it was last time and added to that was the whole mountain of history and issues they were carrying with them, including Jensen’s patchy memory. 

 

It wasn’t easy for either of them. Jensen had so many questions and Jared had more than enough answers, but most of them were related to his bailing out on Jensen and the show. Regret and guilt had top billing in Jared’s life at the moment and it was difficult to shake them when Jensen frequently looked so confused.

 

But it was getting better. Jared had to hang onto that. Because when it got better still, then they could start to figure out where they were taking this thing of theirs.

 

“Jared! Hey, Jared! Chad snapped his fingers in front of Jared’s face, “Wake up dude, we gotta go.”

 

Go? And then Jared remembered they had a big night - the LA red carpet premiere of the Supernatural movie.

 

But truthfully, Jared didn’t want to go. 

 

He couldn’t help it, the last year had driven him insane and he had no love for the media piranha’s that would be bound to attend. Jared also didn’t have any love for his agent or any of the studio execs who continued to pressure him into taking a pretty piece of skirt to the event, rather than Chad, who he’d bribed into playing his date for the night. It was bad enough he’d been convinced not to take Jensen and it had been bothering him for days, how easy it would be to slip back into denial and misconceptions.

 

Ushered into a black limousine Jared took the short trip to the red carpet, where he quickly spotted Misha working a huge bank of fans. There were so many people Jared had forgotten how much love the show had produced. Ironic too that Jensen and Supernatural had almost met untimely ends thanks to Jared’s actions.

 

Sliding out of the limousine, Jared was deafened by screaming cheers and whistles and dazzled by the flash of a thousand cameras going off at once. Grinning, he fell into step with Misha, clowning around and signing autographs until his hand ached, studiously ignoring the line of journalists on the other side.

 

“You’re gonna have to go over and do the press stuff sooner or later,” Chad hissed, squiggling his own signature across his fifth half naked breast.

 

Jared glanced over his shoulder, spotting the same woman journo from the Oscars line up, “Maybe later,” he smiled as he spotted another limousine pulling up.

 

Chad turned to look and rolled his eyes, “Go do your worst,” he called as Jared walked back a few steps towards the parked car.

 

The furious snap of camera flashes completely obscured Jared’s vision as he neared Jensen’s limo, but, eventually, two familiar figures came into focus. One was Christian Kane, managing to pull of his rock-n-roll country boy look while wearing a suit and the other…the other one caused Jared to stop in his tracks and stare in open appreciation. Immaculate in a dinner suit and dickey bow, laughter creasing at the corners of his eyes, Jensen stole whatever reasoning Jared had left. 

 

For Jared the crowd blurred and filtered into nothing. He saw only one thing – Jensen. Utterly and perfectly gorgeous and amazingly all Jared’s. And it was at that exact moment that Jared knew what he wanted. He knew who he wanted to be. Putting everything he felt into his eyes, Jared held his breath, watching as Jensen’s smile faltered and his hands clenched at his side. There was a challenge in Jared’s stare but it was up to Jensen if he wanted to accept it. 

 

But Jensen didn’t disappoint. Teasingly, Jensen’s smile erupted back to life as he began the short walk to Jared’s side, “S…o…., Jay,” he said slowly, arching an eyebrow, “we doin’ this out here or what?”

 

And Jared threw back his head and laughed, pulling Jensen into a fierce hug, “Have I told you how much I love you?” he whispered.

 

Jensen tilting his head grinned, “Not today, no!”

 

Ignoring the flurry of quickly captured pictures and the roar of squealing fans, Jared bit his lip as he braved the question, “You ready for this?”

 

“Honestly,” Jensen replied, feeling somewhat naked, “No, but that doesn’t mean I’m not gonna do this.”

 

“You can back out, we don’t have to….” Jared knew this wasn’t planned and they hadn’t even talked about it.

 

“Jay?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Shut up and kiss me,” and Jensen had one last chance to catch his breath before Jared’s mouth covered his own. Intending it to be a fleeting, chaste and simple kiss, Jared moved to break away, but Jensen had other ideas. Holding onto to Jared’s neck, Jensen opened up his lips, inviting Jared to delve inside. And fuck wasn’t that just the hottest thing he could have done and Jared swiftly lost all conception of where he was. Gripping Jensen even tighter, arching him slightly backwards, he went for broke.

 

The crowd went from shocked silence into a riot of whistles and cheers. It was madness, camera flashes working over time so that the whole red carpet was flooded in brilliant white light.

 

Chad watching from the sidelines smirked as Christian Kane came over, “Do you think they’re serious about it this time?”

 

Chris, watching Jensen smile as he and Jared pulled apart all flushed and laughing, nodded, “Maybe!”

 

Giggling like a pair of girls, they crossed the carpet to join Jared and Jensen, “So, you do realise you just fucked off the entire Hollywood press by denying them an exclusive?” Chris threw an arm across Jared’s back.

 

Jared shrugged, “They weren’t going to make this easy anyway, figured we ought to give something to the fans that put us where we are today.”

 

It was a pretty hard slap in The Face Of Hollywood but Jared thought they’d survive. 

 

Chad, meanwhile, tapped Jensen on the shoulder, “And how’s Kripke gonna feel you overshadowed the Winchesters return with a little hot lip action?”

 

“He’ll live,” Jensen nodded, spying Eric further up the red carpet with a grin as wide as Texas plastered on his face. 

 

****

 

It was late, a little after one and the premiere was done. Jared still on a high from his unorthodox relationship revelation on the red carpet was flicking through the news channels on Jensen’s TV.

 

“Dude, this is crazy, we’re almost the biggest headline of the night!”

 

Subdued and leaning against the doorway to the lounge, hands in pockets Jensen watched Jared affectionately, “Yeah, well they’ll get used to it.”

 

Jared paused, he couldn’t help but feel and hear the tinge of sadness to Jensen’s voice, “Do you regret it?” he asked switching off the TV and crossing the room towards Jensen.

 

“No,” but it came over less than convincing.

 

“Talk to me,” Jared asked quietly, pulling Jensen’s hands into his own, “Tell me that we’re okay?”

 

Jensen lowered his eyes and for a long moment Jared’s heart stopped. This couldn’t happen again. Not after everything they’d been through.

 

“Jensen?”

 

“I’m afraid,” he replied softly, “Afraid that this…” he squeezed Jared’s hands, “will get dirtied and sullied by the media and that…” his voice trailed off.

 

“And?” Jared prompted, still fearing the worst.

 

“I won’t be enough for you not to regret turning your back on your career,” Jensen turned his face back towards Jared’s and it seemed so wrong that a man, as undeniably lovely as he was, would need to be afraid that he wouldn’t be enough.

 

“Jensen, no,” Jared shook his head, “Never. I know what it’s like to live without you and I can’t do it. What do I have to do to convince you?”

 

“Love me,” and it was so simply said, Jared melted.

 

With deliberate care Jared reached up and pulled at the ends of Jensen’s dickey bow, watching it unravel and drop carelessly to the floor, Jensen’s dark eyes following as it fell. The movement sensuous in its simplicity made Jared’s heart flutter furiously, as he leant down and brushed a slow but firm kiss across Jensen’s lips. Never had Jared felt so connected to anyone, the depth of his emotions overwhelming in their fierceness and his need for this beautiful man. 

 

But this wasn’t just about care and love. It was their first time and what had started soft and gentle rapidly ignited into something else entirely. 

 

Jared’s slow seduction, as he manoeuvred Jensen towards the couch, rapidly became lustful and needy. Shedding clothes with desperate speed, Jared wanted everything. And everything meant Jensen’s shirt was hastily ripped off, buttons flying in all directions, while Jared tripped and swore trying hurriedly to remove his pants. 

 

It all became a blur of frenzied movement. Bodies naked and hard, thrusting against each other; kisses nipped and licked across sweaty skin. Jared wanted it to go on forever. Jensen was everywhere, his hands, his smell, his touch – it was maddening. This was crazy hot and Jared would never have enough of it. Passion, which had steadily built over the years flooded through them, making eager, hungry hands grasp and grab. Tongues sliding into warm welcoming heat; teeth biting and marking. Jared had Jensen pinned beneath him claiming brutal, savage kisses, as Jensen’s hand jerked his dick. And it was too much, too intense. 

 

This was what they had been heading towards. Finally, this was what they wanted. 

 

With a desperate cry, Jared thrust erratically as his orgasm struck, biting hard at Jensen’s neck, feeling a second flood of warm come spill between them when Jensen followed him. 

 

****

 

Feeling self conscious, Jared flushed as he stared into inky eyes, “Hey,” he smiled, rolling sticky to one side, intensely grateful he had bought a massive couch.

 

This was Jensen. Jensen who was lying with him hot and naked, Jared’s come cooling on his skin. This was his friend, no his lover and strangely that didn’t down sound as odd in his head as Jared thought it would. 

 

“Jay?” Jensen looked thoughtful, as if reading Jared’s mind.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Shut up and kiss me,” and it might have been a girlie thing to say but Jared didn’t care. 

 

He’d just got this forever.


End file.
